


Behind Closed Doors.

by mischievousme23



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alexandria Safe-Zone (Walking Dead), Bondage, Dom Negan (Walking Dead), Dom/sub Undertones, F/M, Love/Hate, Negan Being Negan (Walking Dead), Negan Fluff, Negan Smut (Walking Dead), Possessive Negan (Walking Dead), Psychology, Rough Sex, Sweet Negan (Walking Dead), The Sanctuary (Walking Dead), conflicted MC, psychologist mc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:28:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 55,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27790768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mischievousme23/pseuds/mischievousme23
Summary: After the deaths of Glenn and Abraham, the MC and her brother go on a run to collect what they can before Negan's first visit. The MC encounters a handsome stranger and makes a connection only to find out his true identity as the leader of the Saviors when he comes to Alexandria to collect. As a trade for Olivia's life when two guns come up missing, the MC agrees to go with Negan to the Sanctuary and a tumultuous entanglement ensues.Follows many of the events of the TV show and comics with slight timeline deviations.I do not own any part of the walking dead or its characters.This is the first fanfic I've ever written, so please be kind! I'd love to hear from anyone who reads this.
Relationships: Negan (Walking Dead)/Original Character(s)/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

Things had been different in Alexandria since the night Abraham and Glenn were killed. You didn’t personally know either man particularly well but knew that they were kind-hearted people and they were missed deeply by the community. No one could bring themselves to talk about what happened, but the anger, fear, and grief it caused was an undercurrent throughout the town. The only thing that was openly addressed was what the Saviors expected of us going forward. The reality that we would lose half of our supplies hurt, but the thought of the Saviors expecting us to scrap and scavenge just for them to roll through and continue to take from us was what made everything feel hopeless.   
  


_ How could anyone do this? _ You thought to yourself.  _ Taking a life when you have no other option is one thing, but executing people like that, ENJOYING it the way everyone says he did, that’s different.  _ Bile rose in the back of your throat just thinking about it.   
  


In your old life, you were fascinated by the warped minds and motives of cold-blooded killers. Your morbid curiosity had made the occasional true crime podcast or documentary one of your guilty pleasures—it had even been enough to spark your initial interest in psychology when you started college, but living in a world that had pushed so many people towards the coldness and cruelty that used to be such an anomaly was a nightmare.   
  


You may have started getting into psychology to better understand the Ted Bundys of the world (like so many other teenage girls who had a soft spot for the dark and twisted), but after getting your foot in the door you were embarrassed by your cringe-worthy inspiration. You discovered your passion for better understanding things like the psychology of education and applied behavior analysis, which led you to your  _ almost _ career in school psychology. The virus that started everything began just as you finished your Master’s degree, and you never made it out in the field.

It used to irritate you that school psychologists were so often confused with guidance counselors. More than once, you remembered explaining to people that we deal with behavioral assessments, and evaluations to see if students qualified for special education services, not talking about feelings. But now, your few graduate-level counseling classes were the most useful part of your education. You had acted as a “counselor” of sorts since arriving in Alexandria with your younger brother. With everything going on, there were a lot of people with a lot to work through, and you and Father Gabriel were the most qualified people to help.   
  


You had told people your door was open for anyone who needed to talk, but going working through the horrible details over and over again with person after person, trying to remain neutral and work in a productive direction when you were just as terrified as they were was taking a toll on you. That was why you volunteered for a supply run.   
  


It had been a while since you had volunteered to go outside the gates. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to help, you just knew that you would only slow the rest of the party down. You weren’t particularly fast, and you never carried a gun, preferring the youth-sized bow and arrows and array of throwing knives that you happened to have collecting dust in the garage before the world went to shit. Both had been impulse buys from amazon. You never followed through with learning to use either before things got bad, but when you were forced to leave your home, they were all you had.   
  


You weren’t going on a supply run for food and medicine. You knew that was out of your league, the area was almost completely bare and what was left was hard to get to. Instead, you strategized. If they take half of everything, it won’t just be food. It’ll be furniture, tools, clothing, pillows, and blankets. These things were much easier to find if you knew where to look.    
  


Not fitting into the role of a fighter, supply runner, or civilian, you and your brother worked to fill in the gaps and contribute however you could. The two of you arrived in Alexandria only two months before Rick’s group arrived, separating you from both the group of native Alexandrians and those who came after you. The two of you had stuck together from the start of things and had trouble getting close to other people, afraid to open yourselves up to the possibility of any more loss. While sometimes you wished you were closer to your community, times like this reminded you of the virtues of keeping your distance.    
  


Before the walkers, you had worked part-time at a thrift store not far from Alexandria. The store itself wasn’t big, but the storage area in the back was a good size and held donations of all sorts. While it wasn’t advertised, the store even kept canned goods in the back for customers you knew were in need. The back room was bolted shut with a key tucked under the counter. It might be wishful thinking, but it was somewhere to start.    
  


Your younger brother, Liam, decided to go with you on the run, knowing the area equally well and refusing to let you go alone.    
  


“This should be a quick run, we’ll stay out of trouble. We’ll pack up a car with what we can find and come straight back. I know it's not much, but as long as you don’t think it's a waste of gas...” You explained to Rick.   
  


“No, no. We’ll need anything we can get at this point. Just don’t take any unnecessary risks, alright?” Rick replied, his head angled downward with his hands on his hips. You could tell he was struggling, but wouldn’t push him to talk about it.   
  


You and Liam pulled in the back of the building and parked in the trees and weeds and walked around to the front of the store. The store itself was stripped almost bare, but the metal door leading to the back was still sealed shut, and the key was still tucked away where you remembered it being. Opening the door, you heard the raspy growl coming from the far side of the room and grabbed one of your throwing knives. Getting closer, you recognized the form crawling on the ground by her hair: It was your former boss. In life, she was a thin older woman with stark white hair falling just past her shoulders. In death, she looked emaciated, stomach curving inward, flesh rotting, and hip bent at an odd angle. By looking up at the ladder near her body and down to the spilled box of canned goods spread across the floor, it was clear that she had fallen down and never got back up. 

The shock of seeing her like that sent a wave of ice through your veins, but that didn’t stop you from grabbing a clump of her hair and pushing the tip of your knife into her temple. It was a relief when the growls and hissing stopped.

“Open the drop off the door and pull the truck up,” You called to Liam “let’s make this quick.” 

Liam propped the drop off door open and backed the truck up to the entrance while you refilled the spilled cardboard box with cans of food and surveyed what else would be worth taking. You moved piles of the nicest clothes, shoes, and housewares you could find to the door where Liam loaded things. Once the truck was loaded and the truck bed was sealed shut, you both decided to do one last sweep of the front of the store. You thought back to your time spent as one of the store's employees; it felt like it was lifetimes ago. You ran through the list of all of the store’s staples and secrets when you remembered the tiny gun that was kept in the far back of the cash register, well hidden from anyone who didn’t already know where it was. There was a good chance it was gone, but you couldn’t leave without being sure. 

You couldn’t see the front door from around the corner of drywall where you emerged from the back room yards ahead of your brother, but you heard voices approaching the shop even before you heard the tinging of the bell above the glass door. Two people, definitely male.

  
“Shit,” Liam hissed in a low whisper.

  
“Take my stuff and get to the truck,” you ordered, setting down your bow and arrow along with the sack of knives worn in a belt around your waste. 

  
“Are you out of your mind? Pick it up and come with me” Liam snapped back.

“There might still be a gun in the register, I can’t leave it. If they see me, I don’t want to lose any weapons. I still have 2 knives on me. Give me 5 minutes then set off the alarm to cover the sound of the car starting. Pick me up in front of the gas station 2 buildings over. Take the back way” 

“We’ve got enough, what difference does one gun make? It’s not worth the risk. Anything could happen in 5 minutes, I’m not leaving you here.” Liam rationalized.

“There’s no time to argue. Just go.” You reasoned back. 

“5 minutes.” was all he replied as you shut and locked the door to the back behind him.

You crouched behind the drywall and just observed them for a minute. The cash register was at the front of the store near the door, there was no way you could sneak past them.  _ Come on, think. _

When the idea hit you, you knew it was a longshot from the start, but the two men seemed laid back, one with slicked back hair in a leather jacket and another with blond hair down to his shoulders and a painful looking scar covering half his face. 

“What do you think, Dwighty-boy? See anything  _ worthy _ of my wives? Come to think of it, I don’t know Sherry’s size,” A mischievous grin showed a row of bright white teeth “but I’m willing to bet  _ YOU do _ , don’t you Dwight?” the man let out an amused huff as if he’d just told a joke.

  
_Now or never_. You thought to yourself as you made your move to knock a glass vase off of the shelf next to you and hoped they wouldn't shoot you on sight.

“Fuck,” you played the crash off as an accident. “Uh.. don’t shoot, I’m alone, I don’t have a gun, and I have nothing valuable. I’m going to come out now with my hands up? You can check me? I was just leaving, really”

When you stepped out you saw the blond man pointing a handgun towards you, the other man holding a bat.  _ A popular weapon, apparently _ . You thought to yourself, trying not to think of everything going on back home. 

“Walk over here to the light. Slowly. Keep your hands above your head” The blond commanded. 

_ Good. _ You thought to yourself.  _ He’s bringing me right by the register, right by the door.  _ This would work to your advantage. You hadn’t imagined things going this smoothly. The only question was how to spin your story to where they’ll let you go. If you act too naive, it won’t be believable that you made it this far on your own; too tough and you’ll be seen as a threat. Too late to think about it now.

“I call dibs on patting  _ this one _ down” the black-haired man called to the blond as he leaned his bat against a shelf.

“Woah,” you thought out loud under your breath as the man approached you. 

He was tall--very tall, with a neat salt and pepper beard and large hazel eyes that bore into yours. There was something about him that struck you to the core, a playful glimmer behind his otherwise neutral expression. As he picked up on what you said, his lip twitched up in a smirk and he winked. You blinked fast and felt the blood rush to your face.

_ It’s like he’s toying with me.  _ The thought crossed your mind as you tried to piece yourself together.  _ Focus.  _

The dark man started patting you down, leather gloved hands gliding over the back of your neck and working their way downward. Involuntarily, you felt a rush start in your stomach that crept lower. While your reaction to him might be a distraction to you, you were willing to bet it was distracting him too. 

“And here I thought you said you were  _ unarmed” _ The handsome man looked up at you scoldingly when he found the rusty knife you carried on your hip under your flannel.

“No sir, I said I didn’t have a gun.” 

He appeared to take a second to maul that over, not knowing whether to be upset or impressed by the omission. He finished patting you down and came back up to meet your eyes slowly, hand trailing up your stomach as he did so.  _ Thank goodness,  _ you thought. _ Pull yourself together. No more doe-eyed bullshit. _

“Where are you from” the blond man, Dwight, snapped. 

“Here,” you responded shortly but politely. “This area, I mean.” 

“Where’s the rest of your group?” He spat. 

“I’m not with a group.”  _ not a total lie, you are  _ currently  _ alone.  _ You had always been bad at lying, hated the nauseous feeling it gave you, but in a world like this, you couldn’t always afford to tell the whole truth. You preferred conveniently omitting details.

“And  _ what _ is someone like you doing out here all  _ alone _ , sweetheart _? _ ” The man in front of you drawled.

“I-I was just looking for some shoes. I saw that the place was pretty much wiped out and was just leaving to find shelter for tonight. If I could just have my knife back, I’ll be out of your hair”

“ _Hm,”_ The dark man drew out the H sound dramatically, disapprovingly. “A _young_ _lady_ with nothing but a _rusty_ old knife traveling around without anyone to watch her _back_? There’s no telling what _monsters_ you could come across. Lucky for _you_ , we’re gentlemen. Isn’t that right, _Dwight_?” 

The mocking tone in his voice made you nervous, and suddenly, for the first time since stepping out in front of them, you realized how stupid it was to practically offer yourself up on a platter to two strange men.  _ Just another couple minutes, if you can keep them talking until then, you’ll be fine. Confidence.  _

“Well I appreciate your  _ concern _ , sir. It’s nice to know that chivalry isn’t dead. But  _ really _ , I’d better be on my way” you drawled in a tone that matched his own

“Enough,” Dwight interrupted before the dark man could reply. “What did you do before the virus?” he asked.

“I was a grad student studying school psychology. I gave psychometric assessments to kids, IQ tests and stuff. Worked with special ed kids. And some counseling, sometimes” You replied calmly.

“A  _ counselor _ ,” the dark man thought out loud.  _ That’s inaccurate, but okay _ . “That’s an important part of civilization, wouldn’t you say, Dwight?” There was something about his tone that wasn’t entirely condescending. “Setting people  _ straight _ , working through their  _ shit _ ,” the man paused.

_ Everything this guy does is over the top. _ You thought, trying to read his laid back and bantering demeanor. His charisma alone was almost enough to suck you in.

“Think we should offer her a place to  _ stay _ ?” The man continued. 

Dwight just stood there eyeing you, face completely blank. Before anything more could be said, you cut in. 

“I’m good, _ really _ , but thank you anyway, sir” you smiled a little, hoping the rejection would be taken well. “I didn’t make it this far going home with strangers.” you tried to joke.

The man tilted his head to one side, looking directly into your eyes. 

“I’m curious, kid. _ Why _ do you keep calling me  _ sir,”  _ the man began to ask. “ _ You _ implying that I'm  _ old _ ?” His eyebrows pulled together as he leaned and bounced back as if to add emphasis.

“Uh, no, not at all..you’re just…” _Handsome? Dominant?_ Sure enough, calling him sir had little to do with showing him respect and significantly more to do with wanting him on top of you. “..well you’re…” You started to relax your arms, pretending to lower them to your neck had just been part of being frazzled. _Go for the shock factor._ You thought to yourself.

“You’re so...in _ charge _ , I guess..it just came naturally.” you looked him up and down meaningfully before locking back on his eyes, then gazing down at his lips through your lashes. “..I think I might have been flirting...I wasn’t doing it consciously, I’ll stop”  _ Also not a lie. _

“Oh sweetheart, don’t  _ dream _ of stopping now,” he smiled _. _ “I like  _ you _ more and more by the  _ minute.  _ You’re  _ definitely _ coming with us. _ ” _ He drawled with an appraising look in his eyes and a wide smile. You could tell he was scanning you for bullshit, but you blinked fast, breaking eye contact with him and blushing. He was onto something about you. 

You made the motion of looking down seem like you were being bashful, but you were reaching up into your braid to slip out the small switchblade hidden underneath It was a tiny knife, smaller than a car key when the blade wasn’t drawn and not good for much, but you felt better knowing you had something to cut your way out of restraints or get you out of a sticky situation. It was something you used to wear on your key chain for your late night walks to your car on campus. With the grip in your hand, you were right where you needed to be.  _ Cash register is wireless. Grab the whole thing and go. _

As if on cue, the alarm started blaring through the store. You jumped, still caught off guard even though  you were expecting the noise, and looked around as if you were scanning for a threat.

“Dwight” was all the man in front of you said to send the blond off in the direction of the sound, all banter lost from his voice. In the back of your mind, you couldn’t help but find him more attractive as you witnessed his easy authority.  _ What a shame I won’t be seeing him again. _

_ Now. _ You thought to yourself. 

You pulled the blade out of your hair and gave a quick throw to the sprinkler above you, setting off a second alarm with a sudden shower. For once, the outdated system that had been set off multiple times with only the slightest bump during your time as an employee had come in handy. In the man’s confusion, you grabbed the cash register from behind you and jumped through the broken glass door, feeling the shards scrape your elbows on the way through. As you sprinted to the gas station, you heard an unceremonious “ _ What _ the  _ SHIT” _ echo from the direction of the store. You got in the truck and Liam hit the gas immediately, throwing you back in the seat as the car jolted forward. As he pulled out of the parking lot, you saw them. Walkers were slowly making their way towards the shop from every direction. The two men were nowhere to be seen, no doubt still inside the building. They were about to be swarmed. 

You hadn’t thought through this part of your plan. The repercussions of setting off the alarm system, of the men you’d potentially sentenced to death. Panic coursed through you.

“We have to get them out” you said, yanking on Liam's sleeve. 

“You can’t be serious.” Liam kept his eyes on the road as he passed the store, not giving it so much as a glance of consideration. “That’s their problem, not ours. They’ll have to find their own way out.”

“It’s our fault, we can’t leave them there. Did they have a car?”

“I didn’t see one, no.” Liam paused, slowing down the car and making a u-turn back towards the shop. “You’re out of your fucking mind. You realize how stupid this is, right?”

“Just stay in the car,” you tell him as you open your door and sprint back in the store.

You almost fall, stopping cold as you see the muzzle of a gun pointed in your face. Both men looked pissed, but maybe just as confused as anything else. 

“There’s a herd coming, we’ve got to go. Give me your weapons and hop on the truck bed” you ordered. Dwight looked like he’d rather kill you than accept your help, but the dark man hopped on the truck and Dwight was soon to follow, reluctantly slamming his gun into your palm. 

“Your bat?” you pointed out to the man climbing up onto the truck.

“She stays with me” he retorted, still a glimmer of mischief in his eyes. It might not be the worst idea for them to have  _ some _ protection. There was no time to argue.

You just shrugged as you jumped into the car and slammed the door.

“Hold on” you turned around, talking to the men through the open window. 

The truck had a covered bed, all the better for keeping supplies safe, but not providing a lot of traction or places to grip in situations like this. 

“Grab the gun, keep it on them. Don’t let your guard down” Liam ordered, and you complied, holding the gun up to the small open square window just above the truck bed.

“Where’s your car?” you yelled to them over the fading sounds of the alarms and walkers. 

“Just get us away from the main road, we’ll walkie our people over” the tall man said.

The rest of the ride was silent with you keeping Dwight’s gun pointed at the two men until the truck reached the outskirts of town. The walkers didn’t give you any real problems, but you still had the ‘too close for comfort’ feeling of fading adrenaline deep in your stomach. The car slowed to a halt and the two men climbed off the bed. You and Liam both stepped out of the car, meeting the men in the back. Liam kept his own gun drawn on the strangers while you extended the one in your hand back towards Dwight, point down. 

His eyebrows drew together as you handed back the gun as if he didn’t expect to see it again.

“Did you even take the safety off?” He remarked, half amused.

“Yes. But I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to shoot..” you responded sincerely looking between the two men. “I’m sorry about the trouble I caused. If it makes you feel better, there was nothing left worth taking.” you finished, backing up to the car door and climbing inside without taking your eyes off of the pair, Liam doing the same thing. Neither man made a move against you as you drove away. 

“That whole thing was reckless” Liam scolded as you pulled back into Alexandria’s gates after a ride of silence. 

“I know.” you responded, still feeling the aftershock of the panic coursing through you. “But they weren’t bad men, we couldn’t let them get trapped or die like that. It all worked out in the end” you said as if that excused putting both of your lives in danger. “Plus,” you continued with a smug look on your face as you reached into the cash register and pulled out the tiny derringer gun, barely larger than your palm “it was still there.”

Liam couldn’t help but break out in a disbelieving smile, shaking his head. “All that for that tiny gun” he teased.

“One more gun to use against Negan.” you responded darkly.


	2. Chapter 2

The next afternoon, you were working in the garden when you heard the commotion at the gate. People began to gather as a number of cars rolled into the small town. You went immediately to find Liam, as if having him in your sight might keep him safe. You found him gathering with the rest of the crowd of Alexandrians forming in the center of town, his jaw clenched, breathing heavy. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me” he spat out under his breath. 

When you followed his glare to the middle of the group of Saviors, you felt your stomach drop, nausea spreading through your body.  _ NO _ .

In front of you, you saw the handsome man from the day before. The mischievous, charismatic stranger that you couldn’t bear to leave to fend for himself. The man who may have died if you hadn’t told Liam to go back for them.

“Oh  _ fuck _ ” you muttered, feeling as if you were about to throw up. 

The man who beat Abraham and Glenn to death. The man who led the group of thugs who were coming to steal your supplies. It could have been over yesterday. It was  _ your _ fault that he was still alive. 

You tugged Liam’s sleeve and slowly made your way out of the crowd, avoiding notice. 

“I didn’t know,” you started, as if he may have thought saving  _ that man _ had been intentional. “We couldn’t have known-”

“You just had to go back for them, didn’t you.” he spat. “You couldn’t have just left well enough alone for  _ once _ ” he continued.

“Do you really think you need to rub it in?” you growled back. “I already feel stupid enough without your help” you finished. 

Liam was four years younger than you, barely 20, but since the beginning of this world, he had always been more willing to do what needed done than you were. It wasn’t that he wasn’t kind, he would help people where he could, but not at risk to him or his. He was more practical, more brutal in a way, and that was a big part of what got the two of you so far. 

“Well, you know what they say,” He face softened, accepting the situation for what it was “cut one head off, two more will take its place” 

“Hail Hydra, I guess” you retorted, showing him you got the Marvel reference. “Nerd.” you teased. “But I’ll fix this. I’ll take him out myself if I have to.”

“You can’t. It is what it is now. If we hadn’t saved them, he  _ might  _ be dead, but if we hadn’t set off the alarms, he wouldn’t have been in danger in the first place. Let’s just call that even and move on. Just keep your head down and stay out of their way” he finished. 

It was then that you noticed the commotion going on and heard Olivia crying. The man,  _ Negan _ , holding his bat. The whole town was holding their breath, but Negan and his Saviors almost looked like they were enjoying themselves; like they were cats playing with a group of mice. You and Liam moved toward the edge of the group.

“If I don’t have those guns IN MY  _ hand _ ,  _ SOMEONE _ is going to DIE today” Negan raised his voice to be heard by the growing crowd.

“ _ No _ !” you pleaded before you could stop yourself.

Negan looked at you, eyes flaring with recognition, a dark smile growing on his face. Fear, anger, and something.. _ else  _ sent a chill down your spine. You felt Liam grab your arm tightly, but didn’t look away from the wolf of a man stalking his way over to you.

“ _ No? _ ” Negan echoed, leaning down until your eyes were level. “Well shit,  _ SLAP my ass _ and call me  _ Sally _ , I didn’t think I’d be seeing  _ you  _ again so soon,  _ sweetheart _ ” He said louder, straightening to his full height, condescending smile gleaming. You felt a confused tension sweep the crowd as Liam tugged you closer to him.

“Now _WE_ have some _unfinished business_ , don’t we” he paused, his predatory smile not leaving his lips. “You know, _maybe_ I’m going about this all wrong. _Maybe_ what we need to _seal our dea_ l here is a little _investment_ in the Saviors,” He paused, voice raised for the crowd. “I’m a _reasonable_ guy, and I’m in a _GIVING mood_ today.” He winked. “Lucky for _Olivia_ here, _Lucille_ isn’t feeling thirsty _after_ all,” he said, twirling the bat around his wrist for dramatic effect. “So here’s what I’m going to do, as a gesture of good faith. _This_ one,” he paused, holding the bat to your chest, “comes with me as my _special_ _guest,_ and I’ll let you _keep_ the two _mysteriously_ missing guns. And _that_ one” he continued, pointing the bat towards Olivia “lives to eat another day” he smirked.

“No-” Liam started.

“Done.” you said instantly, breathing shallow and hurried as you looked Negan in the eyes. Just yesterday, being so close to him made you blush. Today, it made you nauseous. 

“Are you fucking crazy?” Liam spun you to face him. “ _ NO.” _ he growled. 

“Done.” you repeated, looking back to Negan. 

Negan smiled, looking the two of you up and down, looking especially pleased with himself as if he’d just put the final piece in a puzzle. 

“ _ Well _ now, I’d hate to start trouble in  _ paradise _ ,” Negan leaned back, twirling Lucille again, meaningfully. “But if your little  _ girlfriend _ has made up her mind, I’m inclined to go with  _ her _ answer, not  _ yours _ , asshole.” 

“He’s my little brother” you said almost defensively. You were instantly repulsed that you felt the need to clarify that.

“Hm.” was all Negan said, bouncing with emphasis, head tilted to one side as if reappraising the situation. 

“It’s okay. I’ll be fine.” You turned back to Liam. “I’ll be with Daryl” you stated as if that would make Liam feel better, hoping he wouldn’t notice Daryl’s whole body shaking beneath his mop of hair, mouth trembling. “Stay out of trouble, bud. I’ll see you again” You hugged him close and gave him a kiss on the cheek before slipping out of his grip and turning around towards the trucks. 

“Search her for weapons before we go,” Negan ordered. “And don’t forget to check her  _ GODDAMN hair.” _ He added with a wide smile on his face, twirling his bat and whistling as he headed towards the town’s entrance. He paused next to Rick and leaned in, what he said next making you gasp.

“In case you hadn’t caught on, I just slid my  _ dick _ down your throat and you  _ thanked me _ for it.” Negan half-chuckled as he walked away. You hated how the outright dominance (along with the mention of other things) nearly made your mouth water.


	3. Chapter 3

You were blindfolded most of the way to the Savior’s compound, muscles clenched in the back of a moving truck of strangers, not knowing if or when the first strike would come. You couldn’t help but twitch away when someone reached to pull down your blindfold, gloved leather hands grazing your cheek. 

“Woah there,  _ relax  _ sweetheart” Negan drawled. “ _ You _ act like I’m gonna _ hurt  _ you” his condescending smile was still there, but there was a glimmer of something else in his eyes. 

“ _You_ ,” he paused, “either have _a MASSIVE_ sack, _metaphorically_ , of course, or a fucking _DEATH_ _wish._ ” He scoffed. “But it’s just the three of us now-- _well_ , four if you count _Daryl_ here” He patted Daryl’s shoulder a bit too hard to be friendly, and you saw Daryl flinch. You noticed that Dwight, who was sitting by your side, must have been the last person. You looked at Daryl, he was shaking worse now than before. You reached out to give him a reassuring touch, but he pulled away. Negan chuckled, dropping his head. 

“I’m a level headed man,  _ sweetheart _ , but you try touching him again and you won’t like what comes next.” He paused. “Do you know what a  _ whipping boy _ is?” Negan smiled darkly, looking into your eyes. 

“ _ Yes _ .” you hissed back, seeing where he was going. 

“Can you  _ remind _ me, then? Just to make sure we’re on the  _ same pag _ e”

“If I fuck up, you’re going to take it out on him” you skipped to the point, venom in your voice.

“Then we have an  _ understanding _ .” He smiled darkly. 

“What do you want from me?” You asked, trying to hide the fear in your voice. 

“I already told you, doll, you’re my  _ guest.”  _ he drawled, back to the laid back tone he used in the thrift store. “ _ I _ , being the  _ generous _ man that I am, am going to let you live in the  _ Sanctuary _ for a while, see what it's all about, then  _ if _ you decide to go back to Rick the Prick, you’ll tell all your little  _ friends _ what a good thing we have going, help them see things  _ our _ way.” He winked.

“If I  _ decide _ to go back?” You asked warily.

“Once you’ve paid your debts, who am I to keep you somewhere you don’t want to be? Like I said yesterday, I’m a  _ gentleman.” _

“Mm, right” you scoffed. “A  _ gentleman _ ” you restated, the air quotes implied. 

“Don’t take advantage of my _ hospitality _ , sweetheart _. _ I’m not inclined to be  _ mean _ unless  _ you _ push me to be. Just because I’m being friendly doesn’t mean you can forget who’s...how did you put it yesterday? In  _ charge?”  _ Negan drawled. 

You clenched your jaw, remembering how only yesterday you were flirting with this man, building him up. You let off an angry huff, mad at yourself, only to see Negan’s eyes flare. He mistook it as a sign of disrespect. 

“Maybe you need a  _ reminder _ .” he said, smile gone from his face, eyes cold as he gripped the neck of Daryl’s shirt and pulled him closer. 

The punch came so fast, you didn’t anticipate it coming until you heard it crack against Daryl’s face. His fist came back, Raised to strike again.

“ _ No, PLEASE,  _ I’m sorry!” You hurried, anxious to prevent another hit. Negan’s fist was still raised, Daryl bracing himself for the next blow.

“Sorry  _ who?” _ Negan purred. You knew immediately what he expected, and couldn’t help but remember a time when in other circumstances, the same demand would have thrilled you. You used to love the ‘alpha male’ types, especially the ones whose egos were so easily stroked. Even now, you couldn’t deny the faint traces of heat stirring at your core. It wasn’t until you broke eye contact with Negan and saw Daryl cowered and waiting for the blow to come that bile rose in your throat. 

“ _ Sir. _ I’m sorry,  _ sir. _ It won’t happen again.” you tried your best to clear the animosity from your tone. 

“Now _there’s_ the girl I met yesterday, under all that.. _misguided_ anger.” He smiled, eyes dancing as he let Daryl go. “It’s like I told Rick, those two _men_ I killed were nothing personal _._ Your _fearless_ leader and _Daryl_ here left me no _choice._ But I will _not_ let you disrespect me in front of my _men._ _I_ can’t _have_ that. I’m sure you understand.” He finished. You nodded in reply.

“Now that  _ that’s  _ fucking settled,” he started, “Here’s how your  _ stay _ with us is going to go” He started, looking like he was about to negotiate a business deal. “At the Sanctuary, everybody works for  _ points _ . You then  _ use _ those points to  _ buy _ the things you need.”  _ Simple enough _ , you thought. “Just like in anything else, getting started can be expensive. You’ll start out in debt. Once you pay that debt  _ off _ , what you do is up to you.” There was a look in his eye that said he was leaving something out. 

“I’m guessing you have something in mind.” It was a statement, not a question.

“You’re sharp, kid. I’ll give you that.” his smile widened, a flicker of something in his eyes. He almost looked impressed. “ _ I _ just happen to be in the market for a  _ maid. _ To cook, clean, the whole deal. You know what they say, keep your friends  _ close _ ..” He punctuated the sentence with a wink and a smile.

“I’d rather scrub toilets, if it's all the same to you..sir” the ‘sir’ was an afterthought, but the impudence of your comment hadn’t hit you until you considered what it might mean for Daryl. 

Negan came closer to you, finger under your chin, only inches away from your face. Your outright fear of the man had died down as the conversation went on, but testing his patience was still dangerous. You couldn’t help but bite your lip as your gaze dropped to his lips and trailed back to meet his eyes. 

“Did we not  _ just _ do this?” Negan scolded as he motioned for Dwight to hit Daryl

“No! No. I’m sorry,” you panicked. “I’ll do it.”

“I wouldn’t want to put you somewhere you aren’t going to be happy,” He mocked.

“ _ Please _ .” you swallowed your pride. 

“ _ Well _ then,’ he paused, looking deep into your eyes, “I’m glad that’s settled.” he smiled and let go of your chin. 

Not long after, the car stopped, and people started unloading. Dwight pulled you to your feet, and the others stood too. 

“Set her up next to me and keep an eye on her. I’ll check in once we’re unloaded.” Negan leaned into Dwight’s ear. 

_______________________


	4. Chapter 4

Dwight showed you to a room the size of a storage closet, just large enough for a twin sized bed and a small dresser. You sat criss-crossed on the mattress while Dwight explained the communal showers down the hall along with how the point system worked. After a while, there was no sound between you but the occasional voice coming from Dwight’s walkie talkie. You patted the bed next to you.

“You might as well sit, I don’t bite” You couldn’t deny the animosity you felt towards the blond man now that you knew what he was a part of, but you were trapped here. While the situation was far from ideal, you were here now, in enemy territory, and felt you had no option but to make the most of it. It was easy to make the Saviors out to be evil, to be the enemy, but you knew that there were two sides to most stories and that both good and bad people existed in every community. You couldn’t deny that your first instinct was to be cold and angry, but you knew that wouldn’t get you far. You reminded yourself that the more connections you made, the more likely you were to get out of this alive. If you were going to make it here, you’d need people in your corner. 

“You really don’t get how this works, do you” Dwight shook his head. 

“No, probably not. But if you’re willing to tell me, I’m all ears” you retorted.

“I’m already on Negan’s shit list, I’m not going to let you make it any worse for me.” he glared. 

“All I did was offer you a seat, I was just trying to make a friend.” Your tone was soft, even you could hear the confusion and feeling of rejection in your voice. 

“No one here is your friend,” He started. “I don’t know how things go in Alexandria, but the people here are survivors. We didn’t get that way braiding each other’s hair. Just keep your head down and watch your back”

His tone might have been harsh, but telling you to ‘keep your head down and watch your back’ would probably prove to be  _ very _ useful advice in a place like this. You sat in silence for another minute before swaggering footsteps echoed down the hall. You felt your body tense as he approached the doorway. Negan was accompanied by a larger man who carried full of supplies in his arms. Negan and the other man entered the room while Dwight continued to stand outside.

“I see our new  _ guest _ is settled in. Fat Joseph, if you’d be so  _ kind _ ,” Negan gestured toward your bed. 

_ Fat Joseph? That’s what they  _ call _ him?  _ While the man didn’t seem phased by the apparent nickname, it made you uncomfortable. He moved closer and set the basket down on your bed, explaining it’s contents. 

“There’s some clothes, granola bars, toiletries, everything you need to get started. Whenever you run out of something you can buy more from the commissary on the first floor. If you need anything, I’m just one floor down. Welcome to the Sanctuary.” The man smiled shyly before leaving.

You smiled slightly at him, face softening at his kindness. “Thank you,” You called, hoping he could hear you.

You exchanged a look with Dwight as if to say ‘see? No harm done by being friendly’, but he just rolled his eyes. Negan’s gaze shifted from you to the doorway and back before his eyebrow rose, as if he was trying to put something together. 

Desperate to break eye contact with him, you started going through the basket and organizing your new things. There was one pair of jeans, two t shirts, and three dresses along with two satin nightgowns. It had a box of granola bars, some other little snacks, and travel sized bathroom products. There were bras, underwear, hair ties, bobby pins, the works. 

“All of this along with your room will start you off at 500 points.” Negan smiled. 

“Dresses? Bobby pins? I don’t need all of this” You said as you started sorting the things you could do without into a separate pile in an attempt to decrease your debt. 

“I don’t think you get it, kid.  _ You _ don’t decide what you need,  _ I _ do.” He said as he fingered the laciest of the bras with a dark smile on his face. 

You felt your lip twitch in anger, but you said nothing as you turned your head away from him.  _ You wanted to make this right, this is your chance. You can take him out and make up for saving him yesterday. _

“Do you expect me to sleep with you?” You asked bluntly. “Because if that’s your plan, it's not going to happen. Just kill me.” 

“You’re getting ahead of yourself, kid. What makes you think I’m  _ interested _ ? I’m a  _ married man _ , aren’t I Dwight” Negan smiled mischievously, something playful dancing in his eyes. “Come on, we’ll give you the  _ tour _ .”

The two men lead you through the complex, showing you the highlights. No matter where the men took you, everything halted the moment Negan entered the room. The infirmary, the cafeteria, the  _ yard _ . You saw Daryl briefly as he wrangled walkers in his dirty sweats. You tried to will him to look at you, but if he knew you were there, he ignored you completely. 

When you came across the large open part of the main floor they called the  _ commissary _ , Negan put on a show. You came in on a walkway above the crowd, able to see everyone from the vantage point. The hustle and bustle of the floor below stopped in seconds from when the first person noticed Negan standing there. The whole crowd dropped to one knee. 

“You see that?  _ Respect. _ ” Negan purred in your ear before addressing the crowd. 

“This  _ kid _ ,” He paused, tilting his head towards you. “Is from Alexandria. She’s going to be staying with us and living like a Savior for a while as  _ our guest _ to let her see that she’s on the  _ wrong  _ side of things here. She’s  _ young _ . She doesn’t  _ know _ better. Everyone say  _ hi _ .” Negan smiled condescendingly as the crowd said hello in unison.  _ What is he doing? What game is he playing here? _

“ _Now_ you know as well as I do that those Alexandrians can be _sneaky_ , so if anyone sees her do _anything_ _suspicious,_ I want to hear about it. Is that clear?” The crowd nodded in reply. “As you were.” Negan called, and the crowd rose from their knees and went back to what they had been doing. _Ah, having the whole complex reporting on you. That’s the game._

After a brief tour of what the commissary had to offer, Negan and Dwight led you to the library. 

“You’ll be cooking all of my meals. I doubt you’ve ever cooked a day in your life, but you can find recipe books here.” Negan informed you. 

“I know how to cook.” You bristled.  _ Why did you feel the need to defend that? _ “And I’m not a  _ kid. _ I’m full grown. I’m old enough to  _ have _ kids.” You continued. Even to your own ears, this made you sound younger than 24. Negan got close to you and learned down to your ear.

“ _ Don't remind me, sweetheart _ .” He whispered darkly. “And  _ definitely _ don’t remind anyone  _ else.” _

Your heart fluttered at his words and his nearness, but you stepped away from him to pursue the recipe books, desperate for any excuse to put distance between you. You grabbed a few that looked interesting and a woman working the makeshift counter walked you through the borrowing process. 

The last stop on the tour was the wives suite. You were shocked when the door opened to a beautifully furnished lounge. There were four stunning women in fitted black dresses that sat around the room. 

“ _ Ladies, _ ” Negan started, drawl more emphasized than usual, “this is my new maid, just got here from  _ Alexandria _ . Dwight and I were just showing her around and I thought I’d save the  _ best _ for  _ last.  _ Make her feel welcome. You know,  _ girl talk _ and  _ all that. _ Frankie..?” Negan trailed off with a seductive smile and a beautiful red haired woman stood and walked with him to an adjoining room. 

A girl with black hair made room for you on the couch next to her. The invitation wasn't quite friendly, but you accepted the offer. The room was uncomfortably quiet for a few minutes, and you wondered why you were still there. 

“Dwight, should we head back..?” You started to ask, but you were cut off as he leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. 

“He isn’t done here.” Dwight said looking straight up to the ceiling. “He wants you to listen.”

“Listen..?” You echoed, trying to understand what he meant. 

Just then, muffled moans sounded from the direction Negan and Frankie left in.  _ He wants you to listen _ . Unable to escape the sound, your ears fixated on them picking out Negan’s low voice.  _ Gosh, he’s vocal _ . You could hear the unique timbre of what must have been him talking dirty to the red head.  _ Does he ever stop talking?  _ While you couldn’t make out what he was saying, the dominance and certainty in his words was enough to strike a match in your core. You felt an uncomfortable wetness start between your legs, and squeezed your thighs together in an attempt to stop it. Desperate to distract yourself from their sounds, you spat out the first thing that came to your mind. 

“Are you guys here against your will? Does he...does he make you..?” You regretted the questions the second they came out of your mouth. 

“We all chose to be here for one reason or another. For a favor, for the lifestyle--being here comes with it’s perks. He doesn’t  _ make _ us, exactly, but it’s understood that it’s our end of the bargain. There are worse ways to get by than tolerating his occasional  _ visits _ .” The black haired woman said. 

“It’s easier for some of us than others.” The brown haired woman shot daggers in Negan and Frankie’s direction. 

“Do you...I mean, do you  _ like _ him?” You asked, sticking your foot further in your mouth. 

“Does anybody?” A blond woman said under her breath. No one corrected her.

You looked over at Dwight, but he stared at the floor, ignoring the whole conversation. Apparently, he wouldn’t correct the girl either. You noted that for later.

You spent the next few minutes talking with the women, hearing small bits and pieces of their stories and sharing equal parts of your own. The brown haired women, Sherry, seemed like the head of the small group as well as the most outspokenly against Negan. You decided that you liked her, and wondered how she ended up a part of his harem. 

Negan and Frankie eventually returned, the room falling just as silent as it had when they had left; as if your conversation had never happened. Negan dismissed Dwight, and led you to his room to start your job. 

Negan’s room (or rather  _ rooms _ ) was like an entire apartment with a kitchen, living room, bedroom and bathroom. It didn’t compare to the entire houses of Alexandria, but compared to the few ‘Sanctuary’ rooms you’d seen in passing, he was living like a king. Everything was well furnished and modern. 

“Have a seat.” Negan motioned to the seat next to him at the kitchen table. You hesitated, but complied. “What did you think of the  _ wives _ ’ suite?” Negan taunted. You bit your lip to stop yourself from saying anything impudent. You didn’t want to cause any trouble for Daryl. 

“Look doll, when I ask you a  _ question _ , I expect an  _ answer _ ” He paused, waiting for you to respond. “When it’s just you and me here, you have  _ freedom of speech _ . You’d be _ boring as shit _ otherwise.” You seriously considered sitting there in silence, but your impertinence overcame you. 

“What’s your game here?” You paused, testing out your ‘freedom’. “You kill innocent people, take our shit, bring me here, then show me around and ask me what I think of the group of women you turned into your post-apocalyptic prostitutes?” 

“I think we have different ideas of  _ innocent _ , kid.” There was a warning in Negan’s eyes. “Is that the _ only _ impression seeing how my wives live made on you?” He added without addressing anything else that was said, going back to making casual conversation. 

“Did you think I’d beg to join? Sorry to disappoint  _ sir _ , but the whole sugar baby thing’s not really for me. I think those rooms could use some sound proofing though. I’m curious -- are you always that loud, or were you putting on a show?” You quipped sarcastically.

Negan grinned broadly if not a bit sheepishly. “It sounds to me like you were  _ listening in _ . If you’re  _ that _ curious, I could always show you  _ first hand _ .” 

“I’d rather die.” You said flatly. Your rejection didn’t phase him. 

“Let's talk  _ business _ , then.” Negan started. “These are my rooms. Your job,” he paused, “is to keep things  _ spotless _ and cook my  _ meals _ . You’ll get 24 points a day.”

You started to do the math in your head. 500 points in debt divided by 24 points a day...you’d be here for about 21 days to pay everything off assuming you didn’t have to buy _anything_ from the commissary, which wouldn’t be possible. _Maybe a month here? That’s way too long._

“Could I pick up hours on the side? I could counsel-” 

“ _ No _ . If you’re planning on going home, I can't let you get that  _ involved.  _ But there might be opportunities here and there to earn more points.” He looked at you. “Since you’re starting so  _ late _ today, I’ll give you a  _ half _ day. 12 points.”

This whole situation was crazy, but if you were going to make it out of here, you had to think logically.  _ If you can take him out, do it. If you can’t do that, turn his people against him. If all else fails, gather as much information as possible to bring home with you.  _ No matter what you ended up doing, you’d need to look as unsuspicious as possible. Go with the flow, but don’t try to oversell it. Comply with orders, but just barely.

“Should I start now then?” You asked, eyebrows raised in question. He paused and looked you over.

“I have a meeting in an hour. You know how to make anything  _ sweet _ ?” He challenged. 

“Can I see what you have?” You sighed in question, nodding to his pantry. With an open handed gesture, he allowed it. You were tense: you wanted so badly to rebel against him, just take him out now, but you saw no alternative to playing along for at least as long as Daryl’s well being hung in the balance. 

The pantry was surprisingly well stocked, and you settled on making Carol’s famous cookies from back home. You didn’t need a recipe. They were something you made so often that the measurements were burned into your mind. Negan watched you closely as you worked from his seat at the table, pretending to read a book.  _ Was he worried you’d steal the single knife sticking out of the butcher’s block?  _ You had to admit, it was tempting. You couldn’t deny that you were already scoping out your prospects for murder, but it would be reckless to make a move so soon. The cookies were quick work, and you stacked them on a plate while they were still warm. 

“Are they up to your standards?” You asked sarcastically, knowing they would be good. 

“Eat one.” He ordered.  _ He thinks I slipped something in them.  _ Admittedly, that would have solved a lot of problems if you had thought of it sooner.

You grabbed a cookie off the top of the pile and bit into it, savoring the sweetness. 

“Why give me the job of cooking your food if you’re worried I’ll poison you?” You asked. 

“You’ll just have to make enough for two when you cook, kid. If you’re willing to eat it, I’ll know there’s no  _ funny business _ going on.” He smiled archly. 

“Whatever.” Was your only response.  _ Poison is out then. But eating with him means I won’t need to buy my own food.  _ His hidden grin almost made it seem like he was getting something out of the deal. 

Negan moved to stand next to you, close enough to make you uncomfortable. You tensed, not knowing what to expect But before you could assess the situation, Negan bent down and took a bite out of the cookie you held. He stayed in your personal space as he chewed slowly. 

You knew this was an intimidation tactic. You saw it earlier when Negan had leaned in to talk to Rick, and you doubted this would be your last time witnessing it firsthand. If he were anyone else, you’d find his ability to dominate with just his physical presence alone attractive. Even now you couldn’t deny that the chill that ran down your spine as his body stood just inches from yours wasn’t all intimidation, but you pushed the unwelcome notion out of your head. 

“If you cook as well as you bake, I may have hit the  _ jackpot _ , kid.” Negan flashed a condescending smile as he took a step back. You felt yourself exhale as he left your space, not realizing you had been holding your breath. “Bring the plate, it’s time to go.” 

You followed Negan across the compound avoiding eye contact with the Saviors. You eventually came to a room with a large table. There were multiple people sitting there, some of whom you recognized from the group that came to Alexandria. As Negan sat in his place at the head of the table, you stood a few feet away from him, waiting for instruction. All he gave you was a subtle side glance and a flash of a cocky grin. 

“Should I go?” You asked quietly. Negan just chuckled. 

“Did I  _ tell _ you to go?” He responded equally quiet.

After another minute of confusion, you realized he meant for you to stand there as a human cookie tray _. _ While irritated by the task that was clearly meant to be humiliating, you couldn’t help but quietly scoff and try to hide your amusement. The people who just raided your home sat around the table, and you were meant to stand there submissively, waiting for Negan’s command. He would wait for you to step out of line just so he could embarrass you as he put you back in your place, but you wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. It was starting to seem like Negan was always playing a game, taunting and manipulating everyone around him. You hated that you were so eager to play along.

If things were different, you’d be quite taken with Negan. Before the world ended, a man with his taunting, easy dominance would have driven you wild. Out of the current context, you would have loved the kinds of games he played with people and been eager to challenge him as a more submissive counterpart. You had a feeling that you could have been the yin to his yang too, and that he would’ve been just as impressed with your ability to keep up. It would have made for an interesting time, in another world, but here and now you couldn’t let your attraction to him rule over your desire to be free of him.

You stayed silent throughout the meeting, subtly looking at the different faces around the table as they spoke and listened to one another. While you couldn’t claim to be particularly fond of anyone there, one person stuck out as the worst in the bunch. He had a large mustache, and every time he spoke different red flags rose in your mind. The man, Simon, seemed cold, power hungry, and like he enjoyed threats and violence just a little more than the rest of the room. You instantly disliked him, and felt your jaw clench when he talked about your home and people. 

Over the course of the meeting you realized that as bad as Negan was, Simon was just waiting to take his place. Both men were evil, but despite everything Negan has done, Alexandria would be better off with his _ lawful _ evil alignment than Simon’s less predictable  _ chaotic _ one. There’s no saying that Alexandria can’t take them both out, but you knew that if you made it out of the Sanctuary, the most useful information you could bring home would be just how far down the line we’d have to kill to end this issue with the Saviors. But for  _ now _ , you wanted Negan alive.

After the meeting, you followed Negan back to his rooms. You sat the plate of cookies down on his kitchen table and let him settle in before saying anything. 

“Why have me listen in on your meeting if you’re planning to let me go? Unless you just wanted to show me that even if we take  _ you _ out there’s a table of people ready to take your place?” You dared.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about kid, I just needed someone to hold the  _ cookies,”  _ Negan smirked. “But now that that’s done, throw the rest of them away.”

For a moment you froze, unable to fathom senselessly wasting all the resources that went into the cookies. It wasn’t until Negan stepped closer, eyebrows drawing together in mock assessment that you snapped back to reality. You grabbed the plate with a blank face and paused over the trash can. You looked him in the eyes and felt one eyebrow raise in challenge before dumping the plate as you tried to hide the hint of a ‘take that’ smile you felt on your lips.  _ He was toying with you, looking for a reaction.  _

“Now take one of the cookies  _ out _ of the trash, and put it  _ back  _ on the plate” He said with exaggerated hand gestures. You took the cleanest cookie out of the trash, not knowing what to expect next.

Negan whistled and a man came in the door. “Take that to  _ Daryl” _ He smiled devilishly. You watched the man walk out the door. 

“That’s not very nice.” You said incredulously. You realized immediately how stupid it sounded, but he finally got a reaction. 

“Not very  _ nice _ ?” Negan paused, eyebrows drawing together. “Sweetheart,  _ trust me _ , compared to what he’s been getting, that is  _ very _ nice.” You didn’t know what to say, suddenly worried about Daryl. 

“ _ Look _ sweetheart, I’ve got some things to do. I’m going to leave you here  _ alone. _ As a  _ reminder _ , if you pull any  _ funny business _ , your buddy  _ Daryl _ ’ll be in for a  _ bad time _ . Now, I want you to show me  _ just _ what a good investment I made trading away two  _ guns _ for you.” He smiled condescendingly before leaving and locking the door from the outside. 

You took some time to look around to see where things were (and to do some digging). The door to what must be Negan’s bedroom was locked, but you prowled through the kitchen cabinets and drawers. If he had anything sharp, it was hidden too well for you to find. There was another room off of the other side of the living room that you made your way over to explore. There you found what must be Negan’s study. There was a large dark desk with a high-backed chair in front of a window with a leather couch and an entire wall of books. You couldn’t stop yourself from running your hand across the books’ spines, skimming each title. When you came across a copy of Jane Eyre, you pulled it from the shelf and held it tightly to your chest, taking a moment to cherish it. 

“What do you got there?” A voice drawled from only feet behind you. You hadn’t heard Negan return. 

“I-Jane Eyre,” You replied, trying to sound unfazed. “It’s one of my favorites, it’s just been a while since I’ve seen one..” you trailed off.

“It’s no Gone with the Wind, but it’s not bad” He critiqued. 

“You’ve read it?” You asked, surprised. “ _ And _ Gone with the Wind?”

“I’ve read Gone with the Wind multiple times, I’m a big fan of  _ Rhett Butler _ . I’ve read almost every book on that wall at least once.” He bragged. You must have made a face. “What, you thought they were just for show?”

“I guess I didn’t peg you as a reader.” You replied, slightly sassy.  _ Rhett Butler let people think he was a scoundrel, but was actually a good man. You’re just the opposite _ . You added in your head, thinking back to your first impression of Negan: handsome, devil may care, but you had been convinced he wasn’t truly  _ bad. _

“There’s more to me than meets the eye,  _ sweetheart _ .” You couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

“What do you want for dinner?” You asked in an attempt to change the subject. 

“ _ Surprise _ me.” He drawled. 

Negan’s pantry and fridge were so well stocked that you were almost excited to be able to make an old recipe without making substitutions for missing ingredients until you remembered where all this food came from. Alexandria and the Hilltop community went without so that Negan and his ‘saviors’ could eat like kings. 

You settled on making pasta with a cajun alfredo sauce with vegetables and garlic bread. It was something you used to make for your friends in your college days, and it had never failed you before.  _ Why do you want to impress him? _

You hummed as you cooked, then the humming turned into singing. Negan sat at his table looking up at you occasionally from a book in his lap, his bat propped against the chair next to him.

An old song your father used to play on long roadtrips played on repeat in your head. It had come to mind often since the Alexandrians had first talked about the details of their first encounter with Negan and his bat. With the reminder of what he did to Glenn and Abraham, you snapped out of the domesticity of cooking dinner to remember the pain the man sitting only a few feet away had caused the people you loved. 

You wanted to get back at him somehow, you wanted to hit him wherever it would hurt most. And with his strange attachment to his barbed-wire baseball bat, you wondered if you already knew a good place to start scoping him out for a weak spot. You sang a little louder as you reached the chorus

_ “You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille _ _   
_ _ With four hungry children and a crop in the field _ _   
_ _ I’ve had some bad times,  _ _   
_ _ been through some sad times,  _ _   
_ _ This time your hurting won’t heal.  _ _   
_ __ You picked a fine time t-”

Negan’s hand was around your throat and pushing your back against the pantry before you had even heard him rise from his chair. A rush of fear and adrenaline coursed through you as you were forced to meet his eyes. They had shifted from their usually wary playfulness to an icy rage. 

“I don’t know who told you  _ what _ , but let me set the record  _ straight _ ; that shit is  _ not _ going to fly here. You can say what you want about me, but you will not bring her into this or so help me kid, I will _ kill  _ your friends while you  _ watch _ . Do I make myself clear?”

_ This _ was the Negan you had expected from the start, cold, quick, violent; but as you looked closer into his eyes, you saw the rawness and genuine pain behind his anger. You felt yourself relax a bit in his grip; you felt him relax too, his grip loosening enough for you to speak. 

“I didn’t know.” You said quietly as you made a move to step out of his grip. He let you go, but his hazel eyes never left you as you made your way back to the stove. You had wanted to hurt him, but now that you had, you hated yourself for it. 

You finished cooking, and the two of you ate in awkward silence. When he rose from the table after eating, you took that as a sign that you were free to get up as well.

Negan turned on a DVD player as you began to clean the kitchen. You didn’t give it any thought until you heard the Jeopardy theme song playing behind you. You smiled to yourself as you washed the dishes, answering the questions you knew quietly from the other room. 

“Wait, did you say that?” Negan paused the show. 

“I..yeah. Sorry. Won’t happen again.” You went back to your work without looking at him. 

“No, play with me.” Negan demanded. “It’s more _fun_ when there's some _competition_. Come on, sit down. I’ll keep _scor_ e. Consider it an _order._ ” 

You had no desire to sit down next to him, but felt the need to try to smooth over your faux pas in the kitchen. You sat on the arm of the couch, as far away from him as possible. 

As the show went on, you and Negan were neck and neck answering questions, but you knew you had the higher score without looking at the sheet of paper he wrote on. 

“ _ Some algae have been classified as this kingdom, neither fully plant nor fully animal”  _ The TV chimed. 

“Protista” You answered without a thought. Negan paused the TV

“Why would anyone  _ know  _ that?” He asked incredulously. He was losing, and you had just gained another 2000 points. 

“I just know a lot of useless stuff, I guess. My family used to play jeopardy like this. My brother always wiped the floor with us, I was usually in last place actually.” You recalled, smiling. 

“Your folks in the Alexandria Safe Zone too?” Negan asked nonchalantly. You didn’t want to tell him any more about your personal life, but you remembered learning in college that the more of a connection a killer felt to a potential victim, the harder the time they’d have killing them. It may very well be different now that killing has become a part of living, but it was still worth a try if it meant higher chances of making it out of here alive.

“No, we lost them at the beginning. I mean, we got separated. They were in Tennessee at my uncle’s funeral when the state borders shut down and we couldn’t get back to each other. Liam and I went down to look for them after things got bad, but there was no trace of them anywhere. We asked around, but no one had heard of them. We lived down there in the mountains for a while. It was good there, but Liam was only 17 at the time and he was _ so _ convinced that our parents would have gone back home the first chance they had and that they were probably worried sick looking for us. He was afraid we would miss them, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him to give up, so we moved back home.” You explained, surprised at your own openness. Negan looked like he wanted to ask more, but resumed the episode. 

You hadn’t felt this in your element for a long time, and were genuinely enjoying your favorite game show regardless of your company. It seemed like no time at all before final jeopardy, and Negan paused the DVD. 

“Let's make this a little more fucking  _ interesting.  _ If you win, I’ll give you 15 points. If you  _ lose _ , I’ll add those points to your  _ tab _ .” He drawled. If the category was anything other than Shakespeare, you probably wouldn’t have risked it. You both wrote down your wagers and Negan pressed play. 

_ “He has 272 speeches, the most of any non-title character in a Shakespeare tragedy” _

_ Fuck _ you thought to yourself, truely not sure of the answer. You knew the characters, but never memorized the number of lines they had. You thought of your favorite tragedy, Othello, knowing that it was one of Shakespeare’s longest plays.  _ Iago talks a LOT but is it that much? _ You wrote his name down, unable to think of a better answer. 

You and Negan showed each other your answers. He had written down Brutus from Julius Caesar, and suddenly you doubted yourself. It has been a long time since you had read any of the plays.

Two of the players on the show wrote Brutus, but none of them guessed correctly, giving you hope. 

“ _ The correct answer is Iago from Shakespeare’s Othello”  _ Trebek announced. You couldn’t deny you felt giddy to get the final jeopardy question correct regardless of the  _ competition _ you and Negan were having. 

“How in the  _ fuck _ did you get that?” Negan asked, looking you up and down. 

“I was a huge Shakespeare fan before, I have the ring to prove it.” You remarked, showing the sterling silver ring on your middle finger. 

“What’s that supposed to be?” Negan asked, unimpressed. 

“It was from the Globe Theatre’s website. It’s a replica of a ring found in the remains of the Rose theatre where some of Shakespeare’s plays were performed. A subtle sign of my devotion to  _ the Bard _ . ” you joked. The ring had become your prized possession over the past few years, and you never took it off. 

“Holy shit, you’re a whole ass  _ nerd.  _ You  _ kept _ that shit all this time?” He asked. 

“Yeah. At first I had happened to be wearing it when things went down and just never had reason to take it off. But now it’s almost like a reminder of who I was before.” You explained. 

“And who might  _ that _ have been?” He asked. You were surprised by his curiosity, and by how natural the conversation seemed.

“The same person I am now, mostly. A little more polite, more pleasant, a lot more naive and reckless, shy, submissive, kind, but still just as nerdy.” 

“More reckless than you had to be to step out in front of two  _ armed men _ yesterday with no fucking  _ backup _ ?” Negan asked. He had a fair point

“I scoped you out first, it's not like I went in completely blind. If I knew you were...you...I would've tried to kill you both. Or hid out until the alarms went off and left you there. But you seemed unthreatening enough at the time, and I lived, so..” You shrugged. 

“If you say so, kid” Negan said. You couldn’t tell if he was implying that you wouldn’t have tried to kill him or didn’t believe that you had properly scoped them out. Either way, you weren’t sure that he was completely wrong. 

“Can I leave now?” You asked awkwardly, wanting to get away from the man.

“You’re dismissed. I think I have someone for you to meet tomorrow.” He replied distractedly as if lost in thought. You took your leave.

You reminded yourself of where you were, and not to let your guard down. You paced the little floor space in your room looking for something to occupy your hands if not your mind. You went through your things, finding a set of plastic silverware. You picked up the fake knife, and began filing it against whatever you could to shave down it’s dull ridges into a sharp edge. You felt better having  _ some _ kind of weapon, even if it couldn’t do any real damage. 

It wasn’t until you laid back down with the makeshift knife under your pillow that you realized how long you’d taken having someone to stand watch while you slept for granted. You missed your little brother, your home, and your own bed and wondered if you would ever see them again.


	5. Chapter 5

As you were washing dishes after breakfast the next morning, Negan announced that he had a side job for you. Without any explanation of what that job might be, he led you through the halls to someone’s personal quarters. You could hear what sounded like a child yelling through the door. Negan gave a rhythmic knock and the door opened immediately. 

“He’s having a bad day,” a woman with red hair said as a warning before fully opening the door. She had a black eye, and scratches going down her arms. 

She moved to reveal a little boy, maybe six or seven years old, having a meltdown and hitting his head against the rug covering the cement floor. Watching him for a few minutes, it was clear that the child was on the severe side of the Autism spectrum. Negan sat down next to the boy as he started to calm down and got him interested in some legos that were sitting on the floor. He talked to the child like they were buddies, and you couldn’t help but be surprised: both by Negan’s apparent involvement with the little family and his natural skill in interacting with the child. You observed for a few more minutes, school psychology training kicking in for the first time in years. You were already five steps ahead when Negan leaned down to whisper in your ear. 

“Is _ this _ something you could help with.” Negan asked quietly. You were surprised he knew this was something a school psychologist could help with, especially after calling you a counselor only days before, but you nodded your head. Negan opened the door behind you, and you both exited the room. 

“I could make a behavioral plan, help train the mother, try to add some structure to the little guy’s life. Was he diagnosed before the virus?” You started as soon as the door was closed. 

“No, it wasn’t until Becca made it here and they saw Dr. Carson. What do you think is wrong with him?” Negan asked slyly as if to test your competency. 

“Nothing is _wrong_ with him, he’s Autistic. And nonverbal. And is living in a time where there’s very little structure or routine or consistency in _anyone’s_ life, much less his as a little kid caught up in all of this. I’m guessing he didn’t have much formal education before this or they would’ve identified him sooner and they would have worked with him, but it’s clear that the little guy is trying to communicate then getting frustrated when he isn’t understood. You would be too in his shoes. He gets aggressive because he’s frustrated. He needs a way to communicate and his mother needs some strategies to better work with him. Not that I don’t think she’s trying..” You softened at the end. 

“ _ Relax _ kid, I just wanted to make sure you knew  _ up from down _ here.” He smiled, clearly pleased with your answer. Part of you bristled at his condescending implication of your being incompetant, but you could see where he was coming from. “Tell me what you need.” He added.

“Unless you have people here who know sign language and have experience working with kids on the spectrum, he needs some communication cards. He’d benefit from having a set schedule every day, having visual reminders of that schedule, different tools or toys to meet his sensory needs, and ABA intervention which would be as much for the mother as it would be for him, then-” 

“Where do we find this stuff?” Negan cut you off before you got too far into things. 

“I mean, it’s not like we can print any of it out...I doubt you have this stuff just lying around here, I know we don’t back home..I’d say to check an elementary school, the special education classrooms might have what you need. 

“Then let’s go.” He said, starting down the hall. 

“What?” You asked, dumbfounded. Negan turned around with an eyebrow raised. 

“Did I  _ stutter _ ?  _ You’re _ the only one who’s gonna know what this shit  _ looks  _ like and  _ I  _ have nowhere to be until  _ later. _ ” Negan drawled, and you followed him. More questions perched on the tip of your tongue, but you kept them to yourself. 

Negan led you outside of the complex to an all black jeep. You climbed inside and buckled up before Negan tied a blindfold over your eyes. 

“Nothing  _ personal,  _ sweetheart.” Negan quipped before starting the engine. 

Negan took off speeding from the moment he pulled out of the complex’s parking lot. You curled your fingers around the edge of your seat trying to will yourself to stay calm as any slight turn of the wheel sent you jerking one way or the other. You sat quietly for the first twenty minutes, but as the jeep turned on to what must have been a major road and Negan sped faster, you couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Holy FUCK dude, what are you doing? Slow the fuck DOWN” you ordered. 

“ _ Dude _ ?” Negan questioned, but you could hear the smile in his voice. He only went faster. Without time to brace yourself you jerked back with the car’s movement, hands reaching out to grab onto anything you could. When you felt the fabric of what could only be Negan’s pants, you pulled away immediately. You didn’t know what part of his leg you had touched, but you tried not to think about it.

“ _ Damn _ sweetheart, at least buy me a  _ drink _ first” Negan taunted. You felt heat rise to your face. 

“Slow  _ down _ ” you ordered again, firmly gripping the edge of your own seat.

“ _ Relax, _ ” Negan ordered back. “You can take off the blindfold now, we’ve been going in circles for the past 10 minutes” He said, slowing down enough to where you could breathe again. 

“That’s wasteful” You replied scoldingly. You took the blindfold off, but didn’t recognize where you were other than an empty straight road. 

“Maybe, but it will definitely make the ride more interesting” He teased, speeding up again. 

This time, the speed didn’t scare you, but thrilled you as you watched the world fly by. You took in a deep breath and took a moment to enjoy the ride; the subtle sway of the car in the wind, the bounce of the suspension on the road, the sound of the engine. Negan sped faster and you looked over at him, adrenaline coursing through your veins. Suddenly he wasn’t  _ Negan _ anymore, he was just the handsome man from the thrift store, and the two of you were the only people in the world. You couldn’t help your mouth from watering at the sight of him-- his relaxed posture, his mischievous grin, the way he sat with his legs spread apart... _ you’d have easy access to- _

You stopped yourself before you finished the thought, but the fantasies of giving head while he drove flooded your mind against your will. When Negan caught your lingering gaze, he let out a low chuckle and rested one hand on your knee. You bit your lip and closed your eyes, overwhelmed by the butterflies his touch gave you. You felt the car accelerate more, and his hand slip up your thigh slowly in unison. His palm slid higher and higher, and the tingling rush from his touch was almost unbearable. It wasn’t until his hand started moving towards your center that you snapped back to reality, eyes opening as you tensed up and swatted his hand away. Negan just shrugged, unfazed by your rejection. Negan slowed as a school building came up on the right, and turned into the parking lot. Your head still spun with adrenaline even after the car stopped, and you took a moment to collect yourself before unbuckling. 

You felt Negan’s eyes on you, but couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. You knew the psychology behind your reaction to him.  _ If you want someone to like you, take them on a rollercoaster on your first date _ , your mind flashed back to a psych lecture,  _ they’ll associate the physiological effects of the adrenaline-- the increased heart rate, flushed face, butterflies in their stomach--with you instead of the ride. You’re much more likely to get a second date, or to get a lot...luckier..on the first. _ Hell, it would explain your attraction to him when you had first met him too. You shook the lecture from your mind, stepping out of the car. 

The run itself was easy. The building had apparently already been cleared and looted by the Saviors, so there wasn’t anything to worry about inside. You found everything you were looking for, putting it all in a backpack that Negan had held open for you. It wasn’t until then that it occurred to you just how alone you were with him. Things were different at the complex with its thin walls and busy halls, but here there would be no one to hear you if you screamed. 

“You know, we’re the only people here,” Negan started, as if reading your mind. “You want to play a little  _ school? You _ be the teacher, and  _ I’ll  _ be the  _ very _ naughty student.” 

“Gross.” You replied flatly but you couldn’t look up at him, afraid you’d give away the small part of you that wanted him. 

“Fine,  _ I’ll _ be the teacher. How about I bend you over that fucking  _ desk _ and-” 

“Go fuck yourself” You cut him off, turning away from him to hide your blush. 

“ _ That _ , young lady, will earn you a  _ detention _ .” Negan teased, but you just rolled your eyes. Even though you enjoyed the flirtation, something like anger rushed through you at the dissonance your attraction to him caused you.

“Cut it out. I haven't forgotten you are, you know. What you’ve done. We’ve got what we came here for, let’s go.” You bit, heading back to the car without looking back to see if he followed you.

“Someone’s got their panties in a twist,” You heard Negan mutter under his breath from behind you.

The ride home was significantly less eventful than the ride there. Negan played an ACDC CD, and the two of you didn’t speak. He “dismissed” you from lunch duty to go work with the little boy, Michael, and his mother. Things went well, and you promised to check in on them in a few days to see how things were going. 

By the time you got back to Negan’s room, it was time to start dinner. You could hear Negan in his study, but didn’t bother to check on him. Things had been strange between you since the school, and while you didn’t regret snapping both of you back to reality, you didn’t enjoy the tense silence that followed.

You didn’t bother asking what he wanted for dinner since he had left every meal up to you so far. You had what you needed to make chicken and dumplings and started right away. You fried a few pieces of bacon and added it with the grease to some green beans to add flavor. It wasn’t long before the smell brought Negan to the kitchen to investigate. 

Negan walked up the the stove peering into the pots while you rolled out the dumpling dough. You ignored him until he stood next to you, watching from over your shoulder as you cut the dumplings and making you feel self conscious. 

“Boy, if you don’t get your  _ judgy eyes _ out of my kitchen I’ll-” You said in clear mock irritation, the words slipping out before you could stop yourself. 

“Well excuse the  _ fuck _ out of me, but  _ what _ did you just say?” Negan interjected intimidatingly, but he was clearly amused. You were flustered and beyond embarrassed. 

“I-oh, uh, well..” You began unsuccessfully. “When I used to cook at home, uh, before, my dad would walk around the kitchen and watch me like you are. He knew it irritated me, I mean, like in a funny way, it wasn’t  _ actually  _ irritating. It was like a joke, I guess. I didn’t mean-- I mean obviously this is not my kitchen, and-” 

“Are you saying I remind you of your  _ father _ ?” Negan asked. Suddenly the same misplaced anger from earlier sent a chill down your spine.

“You’re  _ nothing _ like my father.” You said tensely. 

“ _ Good _ ” Negan purred from behind you, leaning down to your ear. Your breath escaped you as the shock of both what he said and  _ how _ he said it sank in. 

“Stop toying with me.” You replied, but even you weren’t convinced you meant it. 

“I’m  _ not _ ” He leaned in towards your neck, but you flinched away. 

“Then stop pretending you aren’t the same man who killed my friends, and is a constant threat to me and everyone I know and let me do what you brought me here to do so I can go home and be enslaved to you from a  _ distance _ instead.” You proposed with warmth. Negan just sighed, unfazed.

“Way to  _ kill the mood _ , kid.” he remarked, leaving you alone to finish cooking.

The quiet continued as you cooked and you both ate. After he was finished, Negan left the table to pull out a wooden box from beneath the couch before sitting down there. 

“Did someone here make that?” You asked, eyeing the hand-carved chess pieces sitting on the coffee table as he set them up. You weren’t trying to be overly friendly with him, but you couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“Dwight did. You play?” Negan asked. 

“I mean, I know how the pieces move,” you answered. 

“Play me.” He smiled.

“What? No. Playing chess with you isn’t in my job description. Why don’t you ask one of your men? Or your wives?” You busied yourself clearing the dishes and glasses from the kitchen table. 

“ _ I _ want to get to  _ know _ you. You’re stuck here for a while, you could get to know a little about me too. I’ll make it worth your while. 5 points.” He grinned, and there was almost a boyish mischief behind it. 

“You’re going to  _ get to know _ me by bribing me to play chess with you?” You asked skeptically. 

“No, I’m going to get to know you by raising the  _ stakes _ a bit,  _ sweetheart _ . Any time I take one of your pieces,  _ I _ get to ask you a question that you have to answer  _ honestly.  _ With _ no repercussions  _ as long as you’re telling the truth _.  _ Same goes for when you take one of mine. If you choose not to answer a question, you take a shot” He pulled a whiskey bottle and a shot glass out from under the table. “Same goes for if you get caught in a lie” 

“10 points.” You demanded. 

“5. But I’ll tell you what, I’m willing to double it if you beat me.”

_ Five points is still almost 2 hour’s pay to humor him for a half hour.. _ You couldn’t help but acknowledge the economy of the deal. 

“Fine.” You sighed and shook your head. “whatever.”

Negan leaned Lucille against the arm of the couch and started setting up the pieces on both sides of the board. You sat in the chair across from him, arms and legs both crossed, sitting as defensively as possible. You didn’t like the thought of answering Negan’s questions, especially if he planned on using you to get information about Alexandria. But taking a shot was a welcome out, as long as you didn’t get too tipsy. It would be a balancing act deciding what you didn’t mind him knowing and how intoxicated you were willing to get around him. 

The game started off fairly fast paced with Negan on full offense and you trying to protect every piece while trying to make it across the field. It wasn’t until you took your hand off of the pawn you moved that you realized Negan could claim it. 

“Shit” you sighed, knowing he had you.

“You don’t have a very good poker face, do you sweetheart” He smiled darkly. 

“Is that going to be your question?” You asked, half teasing, half hopeful. 

“Not a chance.” He winked as he took your pawn and leaned back on the couch, piece still in his hand. He paused for a moment. “Why did you come back to that store the other day? And why were you so  _ eager _ to come back here with me yesterday?”

You eyed the whisky, then the pieces on the board.  _ You can’t take 16 shots. Save your sobriety for the more serious questions. _

“I wasn’t  _ eager,  _ but unlike some people, I care about other people’s _ lives _ . I couldn’t let Olivia die if there was a way I could stop it. And  _ unfortunately _ , I couldn’t leave you to die either, especially knowing I’d have been the cause of it. At the time, you seemed worth saving.” There was a hint of venom in your answer, but it was that truth. 

“You think I like killing people?” You knew the question was rhetorical, “You think because of what I did to the asian and the ginger that  _ I’m _ the bad guy here?” He continued.

“Are you saying that you’re  _ not _ ?” You responded, heated. 

“That was  _ mercy _ .” He scoffed. “How many people did Rick’s little  _ prick brigade _ kill in their sleep at my outpost? A  _ Hundred _ ? You think they were all bad guys too? The women? The workers? You all  _ cry _ for the  _ widow _ , but how many other kids lost their father because of what your group did? I could have wiped out your  _ whole fucking community _ and still not have gotten even. Sometimes, killing  _ one _ person at the  _ right time _ saves hundreds.” He paused. “And yeah, it was  _ gnarly as hell _ . It  _ had to be _ . Otherwise it wouldn’t have had the  _ desired effect. _ ” He stopped for a moment, looking you over. “You’re into all that psychology shit, right? Don’t tell me you don’t understand.” He finished.

You looked at him for what may have been minutes. You looked into his hazel eyes, at his posture, anything to gauge if what he said matched how he felt. Part of you  _ could  _ see his side. You understood that killing two people to set things straight could be seen as mercy for someone who just lost so many. You knew before they did it that killing people in their sleep was wrong-- that’s why you refused to be a part of it, but sometimes, in times like these, it was so easy to excuse your own brutality and condemn that of others. 

“I won’t pretend I don’t see your side. It doesn’t mean I agree with it, and it doesn’t mean any one of us will ever accept what happened as  _ mercy _ .” You thought about mentioning that no one would have died if his “Saviors” hadn’t been stealing from communities as part of a warped “deal” they were strong armed into, but that would have given away Hilltop and the fact that Alexandria wasn’t in this alone. All the while, you had to acknowledge using this “game” to explain his side of things was clever, and you appreciated the opportunity to ask straightforward questions and get straightforward answers.  _ Negan may be even smarter than you gave him credit for.  _

You went back to the game, eventually taking one of his pawns. 

“What are you doing to Daryl?” you looked him directly in the eyes, looking for anything to give him away.

“I  _ like _ Daryl.  _ I _ think he’d be a good addition to the Saviors. We just have to break him first. He’s not the  _ brightest _ crayon in the box, but he’s resilient as hell, _ isn't  _ he?” Negan smiled darkly. 

“That’s barbaric.” you scowled. 

“That’s _ life _ , sweetheart. You know what they say, you can’t make an omelette without cracking a few  _ eggs _ ” his smile broadened, eyes never moving from yours. 

The game continued, and he captured your rook. 

“What do you do in Alexandria?” he asked before the piece was off the table.

“I was a counselor. Me and the priest tried to help people. And I helped recruit and scope out people to join the community. To judge their character, I guess. And I helped out wherever it was needed: the gardens, babysitting, whatever.” you answered without taking your eyes off the board, looking for your next move. 

“So the Alexandrian ‘judge of character’ decided Dwight and I were worth saving. Hm. I bet you regret that now, don’t you  _ sweetheart? _ ” he assumed. 

“I already answered your question for that piece, you’ll have to earn another one.” Was your only response. You knew you were just buying yourself time.

Something flickered in his eyes at that little bit of defiance, but not anger. He was amused that you challenged him. He enjoyed that you were using his own rules against him.  _ This asshole _ , you thought to yourself. Mostly because you weren’t sure how to answer his question. It wasn’t long until he captured another piece. 

“So?” He questioned. His eyes were flirting mischievously, but the rest of him looked like he was bracing himself. Your heart almost softened towards him, not wanting to hurt him despite who he was. You decided to answer as honestly as possible.

“When I saw you in Alexandria and made the connection of who you were, I absolutely regretted coming back for you. When you hit Daryl in the back of the truck, used him against me? Sure, I regretted it then too,” you saw his jaw clench almost imperceptibly, and looked him in the eyes. “But..” your head dropped to the little wooden chess piece still in your hand, “But the other day in the thrift shop, I liked you. Both of you. And if you hadn’t already been with a group that was going to come for you, I would’ve brought you both back to Alexandria with me.” you paused, looking up to the neckline of his white t-shirt, still unable to meet his eyes. “And being here with you now, even though I don’t agree with how you run things, I think you’re probably trying your best to protect the people you feel responsible for. So I guess you could say I don’t think you deserve a  _ horrible  _ death.” You felt awkward, as if even this slight admission was too soft. “You’re still an asshole. And maybe you’ve only grown on me because I realized in your little meeting yesterday that if you were gone, someone worse would just take charge.” 

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, sweetheart” his eyes bore into you, and you melted for him, face softening, blood rushing to your head. His smirk confirmed that he knew exactly what effect he had on you, however undesired it may be on your part. “But I’m curious, who do you think will  _ step up _ after me?”

“Simon. Dwight may emulate your.. _ dickishness _ sometimes, but it isn’t who he is. He’s a good guy. Simon on the other hand...I see why you kept  _ him _ at an outpost.” You gave him a knowing look, and he returned it, acknowledging that you figured out more than he intended you to. “It’s not my business, but if I were you I’d watch him” you warned, hoping you weren’t overstepping.

“Damn, I may have underestimated you  _ sweetheart. _ ” He looked you up and down, impressed, but wary. 

Being so honest with him, too honest, maybe, had made you feel exposed. You went back to the game raising your guard, reminding yourself again not only of what the man in front of you did, but what he was continuing to do to your friends. He took another piece before you saw it coming.  _ Shit. _

“Does Rick make the decisions alone in Alexandria?” Negan asked.

You poured yourself a shot without saying a word, and threw it back fast, coughing at the burning in your throat. Negan grinned wide. 

“Fair enough” he almost chuckled. He knew that was a question you wouldn’t answer.  _ That’s why he asked it. To make you take the shot. _

You took his piece next, aiming to take his king more aggressively now to end the game before the questions started getting out of hand. It had been so long since you drank alcohol, especially something as hard as whisky, that you already felt the heat pool in your chest and numbing tingles run down your arms and legs. You couldn’t help but be pleased with yourself for taking his bishop.

“What’s your question?” Negan waited. 

“I don’t have anything else to ask you” you replied.

“That’s not how this fucking  _ works _ , doll _. _ Although I guess you could take another  _ shot _ instead?” He teased, knowing you were already past your alcohol tolerance. 

You thought hard for a minute, desperate to come up with something to ask him about. Thoughts of Negan’s  _ harem _ popped into your mind, the pretty girls with the makeup and fancy black dresses; the barely tolerant looks on their faces as Negan entered the room. You couldn’t stop yourself.

“Does it bother you that none of your wives love you?” You spat, half impudent, half curious. 

Negan scoffed, but didn’t break your eye contact. “They all chose to be there. It's more of a..business transaction than anything. I give them something, help them out, dress them up, let them feel like... _ before _ . In exchange...well, I’m sure you can figure  _ that _ part out yourself” Negan smirked. 

“But why-” you started, but Negan cut you off. 

“You already asked your question, you’ll have to  _ earn _ another” he teased. 

Something about his teasing--or maybe because of the alcohol-- made it so you couldn’t help the heat that shot through your core. The urge to go over to him was almost irresistible, to run your hand through his hair, to feel his beard brush against your chin as you kissed him. You liked being challenged too. You bit your lip, reassessing him.

“Yes sir,” you smirked. 

Negan’s eyebrows raised as he let out a surprised huff. For once, even he didn’t have a witty response. His eyes lingered on you another moment before he returned to the game. It wasn’t long until you captured another piece, but only, you suspected, because he let you. 

“Why don’t you just have sex with women that actually like you?” You asked, genuinely curious. “I mean, I assume there are  _ some _ women here attracted to your... _ charm” _ you added teasingly. 

“ _ You _ seem  _ awfully concerned _ with where I  _ stick my dick _ . Are you  _ volunteering _ , sweetheart?” Negan asked, eyebrows raised. 

“ _ No _ ,” you replied calmly, expecting his response. “But that wasn’t an answer, either” you pointed out. 

Much to your surprise, Negan took a shot of the whisky instead. You had no idea what that meant, but there was something there. 

“If things were different, I’d like you quite a bit, sir.” the words came out before you even thought them, much less thought to stop them. He paused to study you before returning his focus to the board.

You took another piece on your next turn. There was one question that had crossed your mind before, back when you were talking to the citizens of Alexandria about their horrific experiences with the man who sat across from you that you finally built up the nerve to ask. 

“Negan, who was Lucille?” you asked softly, non invasively. You weren’t playing a game anymore. “You don’t have to tell m-” you started as he poured his shot without hesitation, raising it to his lips. You could see the instant tension that your question caused all through his body. You had gone too far.

“No, you don’t have to drink. This isn’t part of the game. I take it back.” you stopped him, leaning over the coffee table, one hand bracing yourself on his knee, the other on his hand that held the shot glass. It felt strange initiating contact with him.

He lowered the shot away from his mouth, eyes still on the amber liquid. 

“She was my wife. Before. Died of cancer in the beginning of all this.” was all he said. You took the shot from him and set it down, sitting back in your chair. 

“I’m sorry for your loss” you almost whispered, not looking away from him. 

“Shit happens, doll. Life goes on.” he responded, face blank if not cold. But you saw something else behind the facade. 

You took your king in your hand and placed it on its side, surrendering to him. He looked from the king to you, eyebrows pulling together slightly, his blank expression not changing.

“I thought I’d get married once,” you started, trying to trade a confession for a confession. “I watched him die. It was before things even got so bad. My brother and I got trapped inside an apartment building on a run, and he came back for us. We were swarmed and he knew it, but he came back anyway to clear us a path. He begged Liam to shoot him while he was being ripped apart. I still have nightmares about it sometimes.” You paused. “I took life for granted before. Now I don’t. I’m only here because someone gave their life to save me and my brother. I’ve tried to pay it forward by being willing to put myself in the same position, maybe make a difference somehow. I’d say you know me pretty well now.” 

You grabbed his shot of whisky from the table and stood up before throwing it back. 

“You won. Good game.” you nodded before turning towards the door. The feeling in the room had changed; what had felt large and open before suddenly felt small and stuffy. You felt too close and too far away from him at the same time, not knowing what to do with the nearly palpable connection and intimate tension between the two of you. Naturally, your first instinct was to walk away and ignore the feeling.

“You were  _ two _ moves away from checkmate” He called.

“I don’t think it counts if you were letting me win, sir” you replied, taking your first steps towards the door. He grabbed your wrist before you could walk away. His unexpected touch left you frozen, not sure whether to pull away or turn to face him. Keeping a grip on your wrist, he moved to stand behind you before tentatively wrapping his free arm around your waist from behind and resting his hand on your stomach. With the warm thrill it sent through you, you couldn’t bring yourself to stop him. 

You let your head fall backward into his shoulder, closing your eyes as you leaned your body against his to close the small gap left between you. You let yourself forget about who he was outside of this room as he pressed against you. The second shot of whisky was hitting you hard, and between the rush his touch gave you and the vulnerability of swapping stories, you felt yourself giving in to him. 

He grew hard against you, the height difference pinning his erection to the small of your back. You put your hand over his on your stomach, daring to guide it lower. You moaned softly as he pushed harder against you, his hand holding you in place against him by the crotch of your jeans, his middle finger rubbing back and forth, causing friction through the worn denim. You knew somewhere in the back of your mind that you should be disgusted by his touch, but everything he had done outside of this room had melted away with your inhibitions.

He bent his head down to your neck, sucking and biting gently, then harder. His other hand trailing from your wrist to your waist, snaking its way up to rest on your breast. His hands both kneaded in rhythm with his mouth. You knew he was marking you (and thoroughly at that), his mouth never straying from the side of your throat. It was primal, possessive. Your core clenched as the pleasure of his mouth against your neck shifted to the edge of pain, his hands gripping harder, more erratically. 

“ _ Yes _ ,” you moaned. “ _ Harder _ , sir” you pleaded, slipping one hand back between you to work him through his pants. He was bigger than you imagined, long and thick against your palm.  _ There goes your theory of him compensating for something. _

He groaned, breaking the contact of his mouth on your neck, sealing his work with a hard kiss. 

He pushed you up against the couch, your knees buckling forward onto the cushions, forced apart with his hand still between your legs. You braced your upper body against the back of the couch and arched as he grinded against you. One of his big hands was bracing himself against the frame of the couch, the other still gripping you at your core, pulling you harder into him. You worked with his rhythm, grinding back, as he rested one knee on the cushion just outside of yours, trying almost desperately to increase the friction between the two of you. It wasn’t long until he started working to undo the button of your jeans.

The couch must have shifted with your combined effort, because  _ Lucille,  _ who had been propped against the couch’s arm until then, fell to the ground with a crash. Just like that, your trance was broken. You remembered where you were and under what circumstances you were there. You remembered who the man behind you was, and what he had done. You remembered the details of the night your group first met Negan through the memories of people who spoke to you in counseling sessions. The nausea hit you first; disgusted with who he was and with yourself for wanting him so desperately. Then the panic hit, adrenaline coursing through your veins to replace the numbing calm of the whisky.  _ I’m trapped. _

He sensed the change in you, holding still as if he was waiting for your decision. You flipped yourself around to face him, curling up into yourself on the cushion, arms held defensively against your chest, creating a wall between the two of you. 

“No,” you breathed out, voice trembling. “Please, no. Don’t touch me” you managed unevenly. He stayed paused above you, his body pulling farther back from you, relaxing as he gave a long sigh.

“We don’t  _ rape _ .” He said with a bite to his voice. “It’s against the rules-- _ my _ rules...I wouldn’t..” he trailed off at the end, moving off the couch completely to let you go. He tried to keep his face neutral, but you could see the irritation and disappointment in his eyes, along with some conflict you didn’t have the focus or interest to dissect.

It took everything you had to touch it, but you picked ‘Lucille’ up off the floor and handed it to him roughly for emphasis. That was the only explanation you could manage before turning away from him and hurrying back to your room.


	6. Chapter 6

You couldn’t sleep, playing out the scene in your head over and over again. Every time you thought about his hands on you, how wet you were for him, how much you wanted more of him, you thought about what Liam would think. Hell, forgot your brother’s approval, what would Rick think? Or Maggie? Sasha? What would they think of you if they knew that the man who murdered their loved ones had touched you and that you _ wanted _ it. How disrespectful would it be to them and to Glenn and Abraham if you let yourself get caught up in  _ Negan _ of all people _.  _ He was so different when you were alone with him, you couldn’t deny that you felt a connection

The next morning came painfully slow. You tossed and turned on your twin sized mattress and counted down the hours until it'd be acceptable to get up. It was 5:23 when you finally gave up on sleep and decided to start your day early, gathering your things to shower before the communal bathroom was overrun with Savior women. Two dresses lay folded on your dresser from the basket you were given. The thought of wearing either of them felt ridiculous, but part of you longed to dress for something other than survival. 

The shower was heavenly with hot water left this early in the day. You dried off in the stall, dry clothes pushed to a far corner to avoid the water. You weren’t shy, but the thought of walking through a group of these strangers in a towel still didn’t appeal to you. You dressed and gathered your things, moving out towards the mirrors to brush through your hair. At this point, a few stragglers had walked in, getting an early start on their days too. You recognized a woman dressed in black straightening her hair a few stations down. _Sherry._ _One of Negan’s wives._

“Good morning” you smiled, not expecting a response but not wanting to be rude. 

“Hey.” She responded. “Wild night?” She asked, something not quite friendly in her voice. 

“What?” You asked, confused. 

“You’re neck.” She said, a little coldly. 

You had forgotten about the mark Negan must have left you with last night. With no mirror in your room, you hadn’t seen it yet. You glanced at yourself in the mirror and froze. There was a round angry blotch of dark red and purple maring the side of your neck. The edges already showed bits of brown and yellow around what clearly stood out against the rest as teeth marks. 

“Holy fuck” the color drained from your face. Negan’s wife caught you with the nastiest hickey you’d ever seen, and judging by her face, she could guess who gave it to you. You hadn’t even considered how his wives would feel about your indiscretion last night. Maybe you assumed none of them would mind, it’s not like you were trying to join their club. 

“Yeah. He’s always been like that, liking to leave a mark,” she started, trying to stay composed. “Just..cover it up. Don’t let Negan see. Dwight’s in enough trouble as it is.” she finished.

“Dwight? Oh, no, it um, it wasn’t…” you weren’t sure how much to say “it was someone else. But um, yeah, I’ll cover it. Thanks for pointing it out.” You responded, embarrassed. 

“Oh,” was all she said, her tone shifting to relief. She unplugged her straightener and walked out the door. 

_ Her and Dwight?  _ You couldn’t help but wonder as you gathered your own things to finish getting ready in your room. 

You wore your hair down and parted it to hide the bruising on your neck. As your curls dried and fluffed the mark would be completely covered. 

You walked towards Negan’s room, passing Fat Joseph on the way. 

“Hey Joey,” you smiled as you passed him. “Do you..do you happen to know where Negan is? Is he out and about already?” You asked innocently. You couldn’t avoid him forever, but a few more hours would be nice. 

“Some guys just came in with supplies, he’s probably already down there unloading” He responded smiling pleasantly. Joey was your favorite of the Saviors you had met yesterday. He didn’t fit in with the others, and you liked that about him. 

“Thanks, I’m sure he’ll want breakfast ready when he’s done” You explained, slipping into Negan’s room.

Walking into the room, your eyes stopped on the chess board. Both kings were down now, the rest of the pieces still in place from last night. Flashbacks from the night before filled your head, his hands, his mouth, his words. But today was a new day, and pretending that none of it ever happened seemed to be the way to go. 

His bedroom door was open, and curiosity got the best of you. You walked in without pause. By the time you noticed him, it was too late to retreat. Negan was pulling his white t-shirt over his head, slim frame taut and tan with dark tattoos on his peck and upper arm. You couldn’t bring yourself to look away.

“If you wanted a  _ show _ , all you had to do was  _ ask _ , sweetheart _.”  _ he teased.

“You’re gross. I’ll come back later.” You responded, unable to look him in the eyes.

“Wait,” he ordered. “Come over here,  _ maid _ .” His smile was predatory. 

“Wh-” You started.

“Don’t  _ make _ me ask twice.” he cut in. 

You walked over to the other side of the room, not knowing what to expect. There was something teasing in his voice, but it was intimidating nonetheless. You stopped a few feet away from him.

“No  _ braid _ today? I haven’t seen hair this curly since the fucking  _ 80’s”  _ he zinged, coming up to grab a ringlet and pull it taut before watching it bounce back. “But I bet you weren’t even  _ around  _ in the 80’s, were you? Were  _ you _ a  _ 90’s _ baby?” He continued in his slow charismatic drawl, subtly pulling the hair off of your neck to examine his  _ mark _ . 

“1996. I’m 24, if that’s what you’re really asking” you pulled away from him, hair falling back into place. 

“Hm,” Negan paused. “ _ Twenty _ -four. I’m not going to lie, if it wasn’t for you saying you were a grad student before, I’d have to call bullshit. I would’ve guessed 17, 18 tops. Come to think of it, I have a  _ wife _ around your age.” he said, leaving his statement to hang in the air. 

_ What was he going for? Jealousy? Justification? _ You couldn’t help but wonder. 

He grabbed his leather jacket and headed out the door.

Only a half hour later, he was back. You had cut some fruit for his breakfast and arranged it on a tray, grabbing it out of the fridge as you heard him enter the room. The tray almost slipped from your hands as you looked up and saw Carl being led to the same chair you sat in last night. You laid the tray on the table and backed up, standing stupidly to watch the scene play out in front of you.

Carl had killed two of Negan’s men.  _ Shit _ . Negan toyed with Carl, making him unwrap his eye, showing the empty socket he had been hiding since his accident. You could tell Negan was fucking with him, but you noticed Negan’s demenor change when he realized how insecure Carl really was about it. Something in that moment, in Negan’s sincere apology made him seem so different, so  _ human _ . You could tell Carl felt it too, He was starting to see Negan as a person instead of evil incarnate. Dwight came into the room with Daryl following. Dwight gave Negan some news, and Negan stood at once.

“Unfortunately, I have some  _ nasty _ business to take care of, and I can’t trust your  _ ballsy  _ ass alone here, kid. You’re just gonna have to come with me,” he paused glancing over at you in the kitchen. “You too,  _ sweetheart _ .”

You were relieved that Carl wouldn’t be out of your sight. Something told you he was safe, that Negan wouldn’t kill him the way he did the others, but you couldn’t be sure. Negan being so unpredictable was what made him so dangerous. You, Negan and Carl walked together to the wives’ suite, Dwight and Daryl staying to come a few minutes behind, carrying the fruit tray you made with them.

The wives’ suite was just as beautiful as you remembered, elegantly furnished with all the luxuries this world could offer. The women were just as beautiful as you remembered too, causing a twinge in your stomach.  _ You can’t seriously be jealous of these women _ , you thought to yourself. The pretty blond from yesterday was sitting on a couch trying to hold back tears.  _ The wife who’s close to my age _ . 

Negan had disappeared with Sherry, and you stood with Carl as the women gave quick, sympathetic looks to the blond. 

“Are you okay?” you asked Carl in a low whisper.

“Yeah. you?” he asked back in the same hushed tone. 

“Yeah. When you get back, tell my brother I’m alright here. That they aren’t hurting me.” you requested urgently

“ _ If _ I get back, I will,” he responded, never taking his eyes off the room. 

Negan came back with Sherry, and the room was quiet enough to hear a pin drop. Negan’s words to Amber seemed kind enough, but her reaction to them conveyed the unspoken threat that loomed in the air. 

“See?” Negan questioned, turning back to Sherry. “I wasn’t hard on her, even though I am  _ very  _ hard in  _ general”  _ Negan smiled, leaning in closer to her. 

“You’re an asshole,” Sherry responded. 

“I  _ know,” _ Negan practically purred “but you like me anyway.”

Negan gave her a long kiss, and you were trapped between wanting to look and being desperate to look away. You felt that twinge of irrational jealousy again just as you saw Daryl and Dwight standing in the doorway. It was brief, nothing but a microexpression, but you could see the same jealousy course through Dwight and how desperately he tried to hide it. 

Only minutes later, everyone was gathered on the factory floor, a nervous tension in the air. A handsome man close to your age was sweating bullets, shaking violently, holding back tears. 

Negan came in, Lucille banging against the railing. He gave a speech about rules and the consequences of not following them. He went on about the danger to the Sanctuary of people not doing their jobs. 

There was a tension in him you hadn’t seen before. His jaw was clenched tight even behind his cheshire smile. You could tell by his posture that even though he was trying to look casual, every muscle in his body was tensed. 

You were horrified as you pieced together what was about to happen. The iron, the boy, Mark, shaking in the chair, Dwight's scarred face.  _ NO.  _ was the only word floating in your head, repeating over and over again. Fat Joseph put a hand on your shoulder reassuringly seeing your panic. 

“Don’t move. Don’t say a word. It never gets easier to watch, but it's just part of things” He whispered. 

You felt your knees start to give in as Mark’s screams started. If it wasn’t for Joey, you’d be on the floor. You squeezed your eyes shut so hard it hurt. The sound of his screams, the sound on the iron sizzling, the  _ smell _ of flesh burning, it was all too much to bear. 

Negan pulled back after the man passed out, the iron tearing off flesh as it left Mark’s face. Negan turned the man over to the doctor and gave a speech, but you couldn’t make out any of his words. When he finished, he leaned in to Carl’s ear, but made eye contact with you as he whispered “you probably think I’m a  _ lunatic _ .”

“Clean that up” Negan ordered Daryl.

It was then, as the crowd started to disperse that you couldn’t hold it back anymore. You took a glance at Mark, unconscious with the doctor prodding at his face, and threw up. 

“That too” Negan nodded at Daryl as Dwight led you away, taking you back to his room to settle down and get cleaned up. 

“Thank you, truely” you said to Dwight after rinsing your mouth. “Are you-are you okay?” you asked, “he...he did that to you..you and Sherry..” You trailed off, still not able to put words together. “He made you hold it just now” was all you could manage.

“It wasn’t me in the chair today, why should I care?” He spat, but you realized his harsh clipped tone was just a facade. 

“Him making me hold it was just his way of keeping me in line. Keeping me away from my  _ wife _ .” He continued, angry. 

“You and Sherry?” You questioned.

“We were married. Before. I fucked up and Negan married her as his punishment for both of us. But just like Amber,  _ she  _ isn’t the one suffering.” He explained. 

“She is though,” You admitted without thinking. “She thought that you and I were...and she was upset” you finished, too late to stop now. 

“We’d better get you back to Negan” was all Dwight said in response.

Negan and Carl were gone by the time you made it back to his room, and with nothing to tidy, you went back to your room. You sat and processed things, how the look on Negan’s face didn’t match his body language, how for just a second, just before the iron touched Mark’s skin, he genuinely looked like he would have rather been anywhere else in the world. 

It started to click that Negan didn’t just make his “statements” or deliver his “punishments” as a power move. He didn’t necessarily enjoy inflicting physical pain on people. He was doing it to keep as much order as he could. Not just to stay in control himself, but to keep hundreds if not thousands of people in line.  _ That’s what he meant when he said that killing one person could save hundreds,  _ you thought. If you didn’t know better, you would even go as far as to say he seems like he’s bit off more than he could chew-- like things have escalated past the point of his control and now he’s just trying to ride the wave and hoping to stay on top.

Either way, the way he called over the doctor the second the iron was off Mark’s face showed that once the punishment was over, once the public spectacle had been made, Negan got him the care he needed. Even was even. There was no more anger or hostility. It was just over.  _ But then why is he still tormenting Dwight? _ You couldn’t help but wonder.

Negan returned later that night looking rough. You heard his door open and close only moments before he called you to come in. You fixed him soup and served him before sitting in the chair next to him.

“You seem off..was it the whole thing with Mark earlier?” You asked, he was probably as traumatized by inflicting ‘the iron’ as you were by seeing it inflicted. He looked at you consideringly.

“What, the  _ iron _ ? Rules are rules,  _ sweetheart. _ He broke them, he faced the consequences. It’s no hair off  _ my _ ass.” 

“If you say so” You replied, dropping the subject. “Thank you, for not hurting Carl. Are you...were you a father? You know, before?” You asked shyly, worried it could be a sensitive subject.

“How do you know I didn’t hurt him?” He paused, face serious, but he saw that you didn’t buy it. “What can I say, I  _ like _ the kid. He’s got  _ balls _ ” Negan smiled. “But no.” 

“I think...I almost think you’d make a decent one” You surprised yourself as much as you did him. His eyebrows shot up and a mischievous grin crept onto his face.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were offering to help make that happen” He winked, obviously joking. 

“You’re delusional” You rolled your eyes, but couldn’t help a small smile from turning up the corners of your mouth. “But..I may have judged you too hard. I still think you’re brutal, chaotic, barbaric sometimes, and at least a little bit sadistic,” You started, “but I don’t think you’re a bad man. I don’t agree with the way you do things, and realistically, it will come back to bite you in the end. But I don’t think that’s who you are. I think if you had a kid, you’d be good to them.”

Negan sat back in his chair with his eyebrows furrowed, looking at you appraisingly. He almost looked like he was waiting for the punchline. 

“Don’t get me wrong, what you did to Glenn and Abraham, what you’re doing to Rick and our group, the way you put a hot iron to that man’s face earlier...it's  _ not _ okay. Forcing people to live in constant fear isn’t the way to go about rebuilding the world. Neither is taking people’s supplies. But like I said before, part of me understands what you’re trying to do. You’re different when you’re alone.”

“Look,” Negan started, unable to keep eye contact “Things got ugly at Alexandria earlier. Not because I wanted them to, but  _ shit happened _ . We have one of Rick’s men here now, he’ll be staying with us.” 

“Who.” You demanded, it wasn’t a question. “What did you do?” a sick feeling rose in your throat, tears stinging your eyes before you even knew what happened. 

“Just...god..just come with me” He sighed. “ _ Rip _ off the fucking bandaid.”

You couldn’t have formulated a response if you wanted to. The faces of everyone from back home raced through your mind as you followed Negan through the halls of the Sanctuary to a plain wooden door. He knocked, but didn’t wait for a response before opening it and motioning you inside.   
  
“You two have some catching up to do. I’ll leave you to it” Negan said, closing the door behind you. 

It wasn’t until the door clicked shut that you worked up the nerve to look up.  _ Eugene _ . You thought to yourself as your brain started to process what your eyes were seeing. He was shaking, tear stained face half hidden by the hand covering his mouth.

“Eugene, oh sweetie, what did they do to you, are you okay?” You looked him up and down looking for bruises. 

“I’m fine” he replied, voice trembling. “But..but he..” Eugene covered his face with his hands. 

“Eugene, what is it? What did he do?” You coaxed, desperate to know what happened. Your heart pumping so hard you could hear it beating. 

“S-Spencer and Olivia are...well they’re..they’re dead as door knobs and I’m the one blame.” He sucked a deep breath in, trying to speak through the sobs. Over the next few minutes, you both cried as he explained what had happened; Spencer being the weasel that he is and being killed for it, Rosita firing at Negan with the bullet Eugene made, and Olivia being shot at random because of it. 

You couldn’t bring yourself to feel that bad about Spencer, only that his was another life lost. But Olivia...Olivia was so kind, so  _ good _ . It felt like losing Glenn and Abraham all over again. 

You sat there in silence for what might have been minutes or hours. Finally, when there were no tears left in either of you, you put a hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eyes. 

“Eugene, none of this was your fault. You were brave, a lot of people couldn’t have stepped up the way you did. You know who you remind me of? Dr. Tiberius.” 

Eugene started playing Dungeons and Dragons with you and Liam the moment he found out there was a campaign being run in Alexandria. Dr. Tiberius was a very obvious mix of Eugene and Captain James Tiberius Kirk from Star Trek, but you pretended not to notice. A lot of people pour parts of who they are into their dungeons and dragons characters along with bigger parts of who they want to be. Eugene wanted to be brave, to be respected, and, well, to be a pussy magnet (not that he’d know what to do if he was). People in Alexandria overlooked Eugene, some, like Rosita, even bullying him. Bringing up something like Dungeons & Dragons characters at a time like this would make absolutely no sense if you were talking to anyone else, but you spoke Eugene’s language. He sniffled and looked up at you, clearly surprised. 

“Eugene, you did everything you could have done. You did everything right. It was a kobayashi maru. None of this is your fault, okay? Nod your head for me.” You paused until he gave the slightest nod, looking as if he was fighting back more tears. “You’re useful to him, you’re safe here. They won’t let anything bad happen to you.  _ I _ won’t let anything bad happen to you. Just do what they say, don’t fight it. It’s not all bad here, you’ll see.” You finished. 

You weren’t sure if you were trying to convince him or yourself.

You stood up and walked to the door, telling Eugene good night as you left. When you walked back into the hallway, you saw Negan leaning against the wall, Lucille in hand. He tried to approach you but you backed up to avoid him, all of the fear and grief shifting to anger in your chest. 

“Look, I didn’t  _ want _ -” He started, but you cut him off. 

“I was wrong about you. You’re a monster.”


	7. Chapter 7

You rushed back to your room and just sat on your mattress, trying to process everything. Your heart was beating so hard you felt your whole body move with each beat. Negan isn’t the man who watches you cook and apologizes when he hurts a kid’s feelings. He’s a murderer. He doesn’t give ending someone’s life a second thought. He  _ hurts _ people, whether he enjoys it or not. He feeds his people by stealing from others. He’s  _ cruel _ -

A knock sounded at the door, Negan’s knock. As a last ditch defense, you grabbed the sharpened plastic knife you kept behind your mattress. 

“Go away.” you growled. 

He opened the door as if that was an invitation and closed it behind him taking a few steps forward to the edge of your bed. You sat against the wall facing him, knees against your chest, knife gripped tightly in one hand.

“I hate to be the one to  _ break _ this to you sweetheart, but  _ that _ is a plastic knife.” he said, sitting down next to you.

“Don’t fucking touch me” you spat, scooting further away. “I’ll slit your throat, I  _ swear _ ”

He grabbed your wrist roughly and pulled you to face him, holding the knife to his own throat. 

“Then let’s get it out of your system, doll” he growled, giving your wrist the slightest pull, grazing the sharpened plastic against his skin. A razor thin line of red formed against his cleanly shaved neck. 

“What the FUCK.  _ NO”  _ struggled to get away from him, dropping the knife. He kept hold of your wrist.

“Are we done with that now?” He asked rhetorically. You were stunned into silence. “I didn’t go to Alexandria wanting to kill anyone. That wasn’t the  _ plan _ . That Spencer dick? He  _ deserved it _ . I can’t say I didn’t enjoy that one. But the girl? Olivia? You think I  _ wanted _ that to happen? That crazy bitch Rosita tried to  _ kill _ me. I can’t let that shit fly.” 

“Then why isn’t she the one whose dead?” you asked, already knowing the answer. “So you don’t make a martyr out of her, right? What do you think happens when you kill someone everyone  _ likes _ ? Someone who was ‘ _ on board’ _ with your bullshit?” you asked. “Better yet, why do you feel the need to kill  _ anyone? _ Rick would  _ never _ -”

“I’m not  _ Rick” _ Negan spat. 

“No  _ shit. _ ” you spat back. “I came here to keep Olivia  _ safe _ from you. I gave up  _ everything _ -” 

“Shit happens.” Negan replied warmly. 

Your free hand moved of its own volition to slap him hard across the face. 

“You _ really _ think that was a good idea, kid?” Negan asked, grabbing your second wrist and pinning you against the wall. “I didn’t  _ choose _ for Olivia to be the one to die. It could have been anyone. Would you have rather it had been your  _ brother _ ? One of the  _ kids _ you have running around inside those walls? I don’t like that it went down the way it did, but it  _ did. _ I suggest you count your blessings and move the fuck on.” 

Rage and fear bubbled up inside of you at the thought that your brother could have been the one shot today. That he had been in danger at the mercy of the man next to you, the man you had practically  _ thrown _ yourself at, and that you weren’t there to protect him.

“I’ll marry you. I’ll marry you if you promise to keep him safe.” You tried to bargain.

“Tempting as that  _ is _ , all of my men have already been instructed to leave your brother alone. He’s off limits as long as he doesn’t do anything  _ really _ fucking stupid” Negan said before releasing your wrists. You shuddered with relief and wrapped your arms around yourself, slowly catching your shaky breath. 

“What will that cost me?” you asked quietly, knowing nothing here comes free. 

“Nothing but your  _ gratitude. _ ” Negan replied

“I…” You paused, both angry and grateful “thank you. I truly am grateful for that, but you can’t keep killing peop-”

“I can. And if Rick can’t keep his prick brigade in  _ line,  _ I  _ will.  _ I can’t have that kind of  _ blatant disobedience _ putting me and my men in danger.” Negan said gravely.

“You’re taking our supplies, you’ve murdered  _ four of us _ .” You reasoned.

“Then you all should have thought about that before wiping out an entire  _ outpost,  _ shouldn’t you?” he replied with some heat. There wasn’t much you could say to that. 

“You said killing the right person at the right time could save hundreds, but what about when you kill the wrong person at the wrong time and just create more unrest? You took things too far this time, Negan. You  _ always _ take things too far _.  _ You’re about to get a lot of people killed on both sides.”

“I  _ know _ ” he muttered after a while, jaw clenched. 

“Why not just let Alexandria go?” you asked more gently. 

“If I let them go now, hell, if I even  _ ease up _ on them, they’ll find a way to attack. They’ll just have better  _ means to do it _ ” He responded.  _ So he’s thought about this.  _ You knew he was right.

“Then give them Daryl back.  _ Peacefully. _ ” You advised. “It won’t be enough, but it’s  _ something-” _

“Daryl escaped.” Negan said before you finished.  _ So that had crossed his mind too _ . “He killed  _ Fat Joseph _ on his way out. I figured you knew.”

“ _ Oh”  _ you paused, thinking to earlier that day when Joey helped you. His kind eyes, his generally non-threatening demeanor; something broke in you and your anger and fear shifted to overwhelming sadness. Not because of Joey alone, but because of everything that happened and everything that you realized was about to come. 

“Are you  _ crying _ ?” he asked incredulously. 

“I...He was one of the good ones” was all you could think to say. 

“Yeah,” Negan sighed. “He was.”

Negan put an arm around your shoulder, and although part of you wanted nothing more than to get away from him, you didn’t shrug away from his touch. You just sat there for a few minutes feeling the losses on both sides. You must have dozed off at some point because the next thing you knew he was stroking your hair and humming softly. You didn’t have the emotional energy to keep going back and forth on how you felt about Negan. _ You might hate him as a leader, but as a person… _ You sat up and noticed that his neck was still bleeding. 

“Your neck..” you started, standing up and extending a hand to him. “Let’s clean it, at least.”

“I’m _ fine _ ” he ignored your hand.

“Just come, sir.” you offered again, exhausted. He took your hand and you led him back to his room. 

He sat on the couch while you wet a rag with cool water. You sat next to him and started dabbing at the cut. It wasn’t deep, but it bled a lot with no signs of stopping. You pinched the corner off of a slice of bread and went back to him, holding it to his wound.

“What the  _ fuck-”  _ Negan started. 

“The bread absorbs the blood, and the crumbs help seal the wound until your body starts clotting” You explained. 

“Hm.” was all he said, still unconvinced. 

“I think you’ll  _ live _ .” you said cooly, standing and heading towards the door to go back to your room. 

“Wait.” He ordered, stopping you. You turned back to face him, not sure what to expect. “You know these people. Is there a way to stomp this shit out before it starts?” He asked, face serious. 

“It’s already started,” You replied. You went back to your room and tried desperately to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: dog bite

You had gotten too comfortable around Negan until yesterday. You had seen him act human behind closed doors and had let yourself believe that he was different from the man who brutally killed Glenn and Abraham. That he wasn’t the enemy of both you and everyone you had slowly grown to care about after years of having no one but Liam by your side.

The next day, you avoided Negan as much as possible. After breakfast, with everything cleaned, you decided to gather as much information about the Sanctuary and its people as possible under the pretense of exploring.  _ Anything to give us an edge _ . You hadn’t taken being kept here seriously enough, hadn’t done enough to use your position to the advantage of both yourself and Alexandria. 

You slipped out of Negan’s room after he was gone for the morning and made your way down the stairs to the commissary. You were overwhelmed by all the people, not sure where to start. You noticed quickly that you weren’t welcome there, people shooting you dirty looks as you walked by. You couldn’t say that you blamed them after what Alexandria did to their outpost. You couldn’t imagine one of Negan’s men in Alexandria would be treated any better. 

You heard a dog barking, and looked to see where it came from. A man held the leash of a large dog at one stand that the people walking by him went out of their way to avoid. He stood with other men, looking at you as he said something to make the others laugh. Just as you started to look away, the man purposely dropped the leash and the dog came running. 

_ Don’t run, don’t run, don’t run _ . You thought as you squatted down to the dog’s level.  _ If you run, the dog will chase you AND you’ll look like a little bitch. _ You held out one hand slightly for the dog to sniff (or worst case, attack) keeping him far enough away from your body that you could push him off if need be. 

“Hey there buddy, how’s it going?” You said soothingly as the dog got closer. It took everything in you not to flinch as he approached you, preparing yourself for the worst. The bite came quick, and while everything in you told you to pull away, to run, you tried to keep talking to show the dog you weren’t a threat. The attack was a reflection of the owner, what the dog was trained to do, and in a world like this it almost made sense, but it wasn’t a reflection of the dog. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay, I’m a  _ friend _ ” You emphasized as soothingly as you could through the pain. The dog let go and sniffed your bleeding hand. Every instinct you had told you to pull it away, but you stood your ground. It wasn’t until his tail started wagging that you knew you were in the clear. 

While you loved dogs and it had been a long time since you had last seen one, you had to admit that petting the creature that just bit took everything you had. The pain in your right hand seemed to radiate up your wrist as the adrenaline died down, but you just smiled as you pet the dog, talking to him and laughing as he soaked up the attention you gave him like a sponge. The attack was a reflection of the owner, what the dog was trained to do, and in a world like this it almost made sense, but it wasn’t a reflection of the dog. But you weren’t doing it for the dog, you were putting on a show for the commissary. 

You knew how things worked here, people responded to strength. You knew that any fear, any weakness you showed would be preyed on. You didn’t dare take your eyes off the dog to look around, but you could tell that people were stunned into silence. While there were only two puncture wounds in your skin, the blood that coated the better part of your hand made it seem much worse than it was. You let it drip onto the floor, trying to give off the impression that it didn’t phase you. When the dog eventually rolled over and let you pet his belly, you knew that you had won. You grabbed his leash and walked him back to his owner with the same condescending look you’d seen Negan give dozens of times. The man didn’t look happy. 

“This must have  _ slipped _ out of your  _ hand _ , right sir?” You said knowingly. Channeling your inner Negan, you wiped your bloody hand on the man’s shirt and patted his shoulder before turning away. 

You didn’t see Dwight approaching until he was right beside you, your vision had gone blurry from the pain. He put a hand on your shoulder and subtly led you out of the commissary and back to Negan’s rooms. He washed out your wounds in the sink, being gentle around the puncture wounds. 

“This is the second time you’ve taken care of me up since I got here,” you observed. 

“And?” He asked coldly.

“ _ And, _ that seems like an awfully friendly thing to do. Admit it, I’m growing on you.” You teased. There was something about Dwight that you liked.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself .” He responded in fake irritation. 

Your hand was still in Dwight’s as the door opened. When Negan saw you, he stopped in his tracks. Dwight stepped away from you immediately. 

“ _ Dwight _ . You mind telling me what’s going  _ on _ here?”

“He was helping, I-” You started, sensing the tension in the room.

“Are  _ you _ Dwight?” Negan asked in a way that was half teasing, half dangerous. With one of his men in the room, he had changed to his leader persona. 

“Found her downstairs. Kenneth sicked his dog on her to scare her and she played chicken with it. It bit her.” Dwight replied without looking at you. “Just brought her back here to patch her up. Figured it was this or a men’s bathroom.” 

“I  _ heard _ .” He said, looking you up and down. “You’re dismissed.” Dwight left the room, glancing over his shoulder at you as he closed the door behind him. 

“ _ I  _ heard you wiped your  _ fucked up _ hand on Ken’s shirt, nearly made him  _ piss _ himself” Negan smiled. “You made quite the  _ impression _ downstairs.” You didn’t respond. 

“You aren’t still giving me the  _ silent treatment _ , are you?” he paused. “You seemed eager enough to say something on  _ Dwight’s _ behalf.” He looked down at you. “I don’t want to see you alone with him again.”

“Whatever you say,  _ sir.” _ You mocked. You could see something like anger flash behind his eyes. 

Lunch and dinner were served in silence. You had nothing to say to Negan, and he eventually gave up on one sided conversation. It surprised you as he spoke. 

“You know, for someone who is so against how things are done here, you seem to fit in awfully well. You ever think about  _ staying _ ?” 

“And just, what, leave a group of good people behind while you pick them off one by one to be part of the Sanctuary’s eternal pissing match for the rest of my life? No. I’ll be out of here the first chance I get _.” _ You said coldly.

“ _ You _ don’t want anyone else to die,  _ I _ don’t want anyone else to die, stop acting like we’re on different fucking  _ sides  _ here doll.” Negan paused. “Alexandria gets me some  _ good shit.  _ You think I want to  _ hurt _ them? People are a  _ resource _ . But your  _ friends _ aren’t giving me a lot of options, sweetheart. _ ”  _ Negan remarked, his usual condescension back in his voice. 

“You have  _ plenty _ of options. You just refuse to acknowledge any other way of doing things than  _ your _ way.” You responded, anger beginning to swirl in your chest at the implication that more people in Alexandria would be killed before this was over. 

“ _ Watch it, kid _ ” Negan warned, his voice low and face suddenly hard. 

His expression alone was enough warning to make you remember yourself; remember where you were and under what circumstances you were there. He had been very liberal so far allowing you to speak your mind since your arrival at the Sanctuary, but you recognized that this time you danced a little too close to disrespect. You couldn’t help shrinking into yourself.

“Look, believe it or not, I want what’s best for everyone here.” Negan added, tone softer now. “If there’s a way to save both sides, I’m all ears.”

You relaxed a little at the feeling that you weren’t in immediate danger, and spent the better part of two hours going back and forth with Negan about what could be done. While there were plenty of options (the easiest of which being Negan stepping down from leading the Saviors and disappearing), Negan insisted that without him in charge, the Sanctuary would crumble.

_ He can’t possibly be arrogant enough to believe that, _ you thought to yourself.  _ This dude really thinks he’s a king.  _ That’s when the idea hit you.

“Well...if you look at history, a king and his court would stay in one castle for a while, but feeding so many people sucked up a lot of resources in the area. When food and stuff started running low, the entire court would move to another castle.” You paused, to see if he was following you.

“I  _ know _ you aren’t suggesting that we _ pussy out _ and run away with our  _ dicks _ tucked between our legs” Negan said.

“Negan, there isn’t enough  _ food _ here for everyone. Stealing half of Alexandria’s stuff doesn’t put a  _ dent _ in the amount you’d need to feed your people. It won’t be long until your workers start going hungry. If I can see that and I’ve only been here a few days, I know you see it too.” You reasoned. 

“You realize you’re talking about moving over a thousand fucking people, all our food, all their shit, even if that was an  _ option _ it wouldn’t  _ actually _ be an option.” He said, waiting to see if you had a response.

He had you there. Moving that many people alone would be difficult. Moving their things, beds, and food far enough away that they haven’t already scavenged the remaining resources would be nearly impossible.  _ What if they didn’t have to take everything? _

“What if you moved somewhere that was move-in ready? Somewhere that you’d only have to bring your people and food? And you could move in phases, moving 50 or 60 people at a time. You have the means to do that.” You replied. “University dorms are already furnished and made to host big groups of people. The University of Virginia is too close, but I may know somewhere..” You started. “My fiance went to college in Ohio. I did too, for a while. They locked things down early there when the virus started. College campuses were one of the first things to close. Everyone was kicked out of their dorms and apartments and were forced to go home. Everyone was pissed.” You started. “They had a lot of brand new fully furnished apartments built not long before things started. Plus there was a clinic on campus and a hospital right up the road. And a huge jail. The hospital and jail would definitely need to be cleared if you wanted them, and have probably been scavenged by now, but the apartments would be nice, and the campus was abandoned so early it’d probably be a ghost town. That city was the kind of place you got out of if you had anywhere else to go even before the virus hit.” You finished, impressed with your own suggestion. 

“You seem to know a lot about the area.” Was all Negan said in response.  _ He’s considering it then. _

“I went to grad school there. Plus during undergrad I used to stay there with my fiance some weekends. It’s only 5 hours away. Far enough to leave all this mess behind, but close enough to transport your people. It’s worth at least scoping out. You could send a few guys-” You started.

“Draw a map, I’ll send Laura and DJ. But this stays between us. I’m just sending them on a run, not to go  _ house hunting _ . We’ll see what they say” Negan cut in. 

“So you’re considering it then?” You asked, surprised. 

“We’ll see.” Was all he said

You left his room with a new hope that maybe there was a way out of this that worked for everybody. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: attempted sexual assult

After the events of the day, you were beyond exhausted and eager to go to sleep. You were out cold as soon as your head hit the pillow. It felt like only minutes later that you were woken up by a stream of light coming through the doorway.

_ I didn’t lock the door. _ You thought in a panic. 

“Who’s there?” you asked, voice gravelly from sleep. 

“Well look who it is, the  _ kid _ from Alexandria.” A deep male voice cut through the air like a knife. 

“Leave me alone” You commanded. While you couldn’t hear the nervous tremor in your voice, you felt it in your chest. 

“You don’t belong here you dumb bitch. We don’t  _ want _ you here. My brother was at that outpost of people you slaughtered” He spat, coming closer. He kneeling onto your bed

“I”m sorry to hear that. I’d be more than happy to leave, really. Just take it up with Negan” You replied. You backed yourself up against the wall, not knowing what else you could say. 

“Are you Negan’s little toy? Is that why he brought you back here and dresses you up like you’re something special? No pussy can be that good. But I want to see what all the hype is about.” He purred, his mouth practically to your ear.

“No. please-” You begged, but he only pushed closer to you, grabbing you roughly,

“Shhh.” he whispered and started tugging at the hem of your nightgown. 

Everything that came next was a blur. You remember flailing against the wall trying to fight back and screaming for help. You kicked and punched and did everything you could to force him away. It seemed like only seconds later that the door flew open. The figure itself was impossible to make out as your eyes struggled to adjust to the light, but the bat he was holding gave him away.  _ Negan. _

“ _ Excuse  _ me,  _ John _ . But what in the  _ ever-loving FUCK _ do you think you’re doing?” Negan said in his fake calm. John threw himself on the ground and started begging at Negan’s feet. 

“It isn’t what it looks like!” He tried to explain, but Negan knew. 

“ _ Oh _ , but I think  _ it is _ , John. See, I heard it all from my room. In fact, it  _ woke me up _ . So not ONLY did you break the rules, but you PISSED me off.” Negan’s voice rose, eyebrows drawing together. He started to raise his bat, and the breath caught in your chest. 

“NO.” You yelled, trying to stop him. 

He stopped mid swing, John crying on the floor. 

“He broke the  _ rules, _ doll. He’s got to face the consequences.” Negan growled. 

“Then make an example of him. There are worse things than death. Castrate him in front of the Sanctuary, publicly. But leave him alive.” You suggested. At first you just wanted to avoid seeing Lucille in action, to prevent yet another death, but after realizing the weight of what you just said, you realized the bat probably would have been a mercy.

“ _ Goddamn _ , that’s cold, my own sack hurts just  _ thinking _ about it. But the  _ punishment _ fits the  _ crime _ .” Negan grinned as he called in Simon to drag the man away. You could hear his pleas echoing through the halls and hugged yourself to hide the shiver that went down your spine. 

“You okay?” Negan asked softly, not coming any closer. “Did he..”

“No, I’m good. Uh..thank you.” You tried to piece the words together. 

He turned around and started reaching for the door, but you couldn’t stand the thought of being here alone. 

“Wait,” You called to him. “Don’t go, please.” 

He paused with his hand on the doorknob then turned around to face you again. 

“Stay with me for the night, you’ll be safe. Come on.” He said softly, waiting for your reaction. “Or if not, I’ll stay here as long as you want, kid” 

You felt yourself make your way over to him before making any conscious decision to. You wrapped your arms around his waist and pulled him tight, shaking against him. You were too wired to cry, pure adrenaline still in your veins, and you were thankful for that. 

You followed him through his room, settling into the side of his bed that wasn’t crumpled from his sleep. At first, you laid as close to the edge as possible, but you still felt so alone. You looked over at him to see Negan laying on his side facing the opposite direction. You didn’t want to invade his space, but you wanted to be near him. 

You rolled over scooting closer to him until your forehead was only a foot away from his back. You mimicked his position until you were practically spooning him, close enough to feel the heat radiating from his body.

He glanced at you over his shoulder sensing your closeness and rolled to face you. Your head was level with his chest, and you glanced up at him.

“You good, kid?” He murmured barely above a whisper. Suddenly you realized that you might be making him uncomfortable getting so close to him. 

“I-yes sir, I’m sorry. I’ll give you some space, I just-” You were cut off by Negan draping his arm over you and closing his eyes. 

“You’re safe.” was all he said.

You turned around and curled into him becoming the little spoon, your muscles relaxing for the first time since you were abruptly woken from your sleep. He had saved you, and you felt safer _ in _ his arms than out of them. He was so warm behind you that he knocked out the chill inside of you. 

“What did you do before? Were you in the military or something?” You asked quietly, not sure if he was still awake. 

“I was a high school coach. And a gym teacher. But that stays between us, doll” you could hear the smile in his words

You could see it. The attitude, the eccentricities, the way he interacted with Carl, it all made sense. 

“The collective identity as Negan, the laid back intimidation tactics, all of the psychology behind your leadership style, you learned all that from coaching.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. 

“Yeah, I used to go to coaching seminars and picked it up along the way. 15 years of coaching and all of them were winning teams.” He bragged. 

“And it translated into leading the sanctuary?” You asked, already knowing the answer. The conversation was a distraction, and you both knew it. 

“It has  _ so _ far.” He responded.

“Hmm. Coach Negan, huh?” You played with how it sounded.

“Just coach. They didn’t call me by my first name.” He smiled. 

“Negan is your first name?” Somehow, it had never occurred to you. 

“Yeah. Made it hard to make friends on the _ playground _ . It’s a family name. Sometimes I think my  _ mom _ was setting me up to get the _ shit  _ beat out of me. But I learned to hold my own when I was young.” He confessed. You could hear the lazy smile in his voice. 

So much more about him made sense now. Coaching, wanting absolute dominance and control, even the way he gets into other people’s space, he was the victim once and wanted the power those bullies had. But it explained his softer side too. Having trouble making friends, it made sense that he loved the escape that came with reading books as much as he did. You empathized with Negan on a level you didn’t think possible, your new understanding painting him in a different light. None of it excused any of the horrible things he’s done, but it did explain it. Part of you wished it wasn’t true, but you knew you could love him if you let yourself. 

You flipped around to face him, looking into his eyes as you rested one hand on his cheek. Your thumb absentmindedly traced back and forth as your eyes drank him in. Before you knew what you were doing, you leaned in and kissed him. 

The kiss was slow and gentle, packed with empathy instead of lust. It took a moment for him to respond, kissing back in kind. You pulled away and looked at him again, running your hand through his hair, something you had resisted the urge to do many times before.

“ _ Negan,” _ you said his name like it was your first time really contemplating the sound, playing with the way it sounded on your tongue. “I like it, sir. I like you when it’s just u-” 

You were cut off by his kiss, this one deeper, more urgent. You moved your thigh over his, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. You rolled on top of him, straddling his hips, desperate to be done with the awkward position and wanting more leverage. You broke the kiss to move down to his neck, trailing kisses and nibbles down to his collarbone before jumping back to his lips. The urgency was rising in you and you  _ wanted _ him. Nothing you did felt close enough. 

You felt him hardening beneath you and moaned into his kiss, grinding against him. He pulled away. 

“Under  _ any _ other circumstances, I would be  _ very _ much into where this is going,” He paused. “But you aren’t in the right headspace for this right now.” 

“I know what I want” you reasoned, but you knew he was right.

“Then you’ll still want it tomorrow,” he retorted, rolling you off of him and back onto the bed. “Get some sleep, kid.” 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smut starts here

The next morning you woke up before Negan, slipping out of bed quietly to go back to your own room and get ready for the day. You couldn’t help but stop to admire him before you left the room, his bed hair wild and face completely at peace. You couldn’t help but think he looked so much younger like this. You couldn’t deny you were attracted to his chaotic dominance, his alpha male energy, but you liked him like this too. He could be brutal, too brutal, but so was the world you were living in. 

“Sneaking out?” You heard from behind you as you took your first steps away from his bed. “ _ Damn _ sweetheart, you’re making me feel dirty.”

“No sir, I was just going to shower, I didn’t want to wake you,” You blushed, embarrassed. 

“I’m about to hop in myself, you don’t want to join me?” Negan teased as he nodded to his private bathroom.

You could tell he was joking, that he didn’t expect you to even consider what he said. Before last night you would have rolled your eyes and left, but part of you wondered if he was testing things to see if your... _ interest _ last night was a fluke. 

You walked back towards him, buying yourself time to make up your mind. You tried to rationalize this, to think of how disgusted your friends and family would be if they knew how involved you were getting. You tried to convince yourself that this wasn’t who he was all the time-- that he was still dangerous, but you knew too much about him now to limit him to who you thought he was when you first arrived. You still wanted him, and with the possibility of a solution that would free Alexandria from the Saviors’ grip, there was nothing holding you back.

“Go ahead and get started sir, I’ll grab some things and join you in a minute.” You smiled wickedly at how his eyebrows rose in surprise. “Unless you’re bluffing,” you teased. It felt good to be the one teasing  _ him _ for once.

“Go get your stuff, sweetheart.” He grinned mischievously.

When you got back to his room, your hands were shaking with either nervousness or excitement-- you honestly couldn’t tell. You heard the water running as you approached the bathroom, the shower door closed. You placed your things to the side, stripped, and stepped in, not giving yourself the time to back out. 

You couldn’t make eye contact with him at first, too shy to look up at him. Instead, you took a moment to take him in; water running down his tan skin, your face at a level with his chest. You admired the hair that grew there, unable to deny the urge to reach out and touch it. Your hand trailed down his stomach to rest just above his hips, the trail of hair growing thinner as it led down to a part of him you wanted desperately to explore. You started to look down, wanting to  _ see _ what you were so eager to touch, but he tipped your chin up to him before you had the chance.

“Watch yourself, you’re playing with  _ fire _ .” he warned. 

Being forced to look in his eyes, you regained your nerve and wrapped your hand around his already hard cock.

“I  _ know, _ sir” You replied, closing the space between you with a long kiss.

You kissed until kissing wasn’t enough, his hands roaming down your wet body leaving your skin tingling in their wake. You worked him in your hand, and he moaned as you pushed him against the tile wall of the shower out of the water’s stream. 

You began kissing down his neck, your free hand trailing down his chest ahead of your mouth. You continued to pump him slowly as you dropped to his nipples, taking each into your mouth with little bites and kisses before dropping lower. You were kneeling in front of him now, kissing down from his belly button holding the tip of his erection to the hollow of your throat as you did so. You nibbled at his hip bones, then moved to kissing his upper thighs, torturing him with anticipation. 

You could feel him getting desperate, beginning to pump himself into your hand as he arched against the wall. You took a moment to relish the clenching in your core as you realized how good it felt having him at your mercy. Your free hand traced down his ass and grabbed the back of his thigh as you looked up at him, mouth already watering.

“Tell me what you want, sir.” You waited, already knowing his answer. You ran your tongue up the underside of his erection for emphasis. 

“Put it in your mouth, suck i-” he ordered. 

Your mouth wrapped around him before he finished his sentence, too eager to draw it out any longer. You kept one hand around his dick moving up and down in rhythm with your mouth. You dropped the other to massage his balls making him moan. 

This was all the encouragement you needed, flicking your tongue around the head of his cock on an upstroke and beginning to move faster, suck harder. 

“Holy  _ fuck _ , doll,” He exclaimed, holding onto the towel bar for support with one hand, the other resting on your head. You could feel him getting close

You backed off, wanting this to last, dropping to his balls and licking the seam that ran between them. He moaned again as you took them into your mouth one at a time, rolling your tongue around each before letting it go. You paused to look up at him, taking pride in your work before moving back to his shaft. You placed your free hand on top of his own wrapped in your hair, giving a few light pushes as you bobbed back and forth, inviting him to take control. 

“You’re gonna be the death of me, sweetheart” he groaned as he began pushing your head farther, taking his pleasure from you.

He thrusted deep and you gagged against his length, moaning to let him know that was exactly what you wanted. You worked him harder with one hand, your other hand on his thigh to steady yourself. You were  _ entranced _ , dripping wet and enjoying every second. 

“ _ Fuck _ , I’m gonna cum” He whispered. 

He started to pull out of your mouth but you stopped him, moving faster as you moaned around his cock. You wanted his release.

The vibrations of your moan took him over the edge, and his knees nearly gave out as he came. You swallowed around him, feeling him pulse inside of you. You continued to suck him through his orgasm, moaning as you ran your tongue up and down his length. 

When he began to soften, you gently slid him out of your mouth, taking special care to lick the cum off his tip before letting him go. You couldn’t help but grin at the gasp it caused.

“ _ Holy shit _ ” he sighed as he slid down the shower wall to sit in front of you, unable to stand anymore. 

You leaned forward and gave the bit of jaw just below his ear a lingering kiss. 

“ _ Thank you, sir. _ ” You whispered as you slid out of the shower, closing the door behind you. You left him to recover alone as you dressed and headed back to your own room to get ready for the day.


	11. Chapter 11

When you came back to start your work, he was sitting at the kitchen table reading a book. You made it halfway to his bedroom door before you heard the book snap shut. 

“Why did you _ thank _ me?” Negan asked, irritation in his voice.

“What?” You asked, genuinely puzzled.

“After. You  _ thanked _ me then took off. Was that-what, was that because of last  _ night _ ? You  _ blew _ me to get square with me for coming to your  _ rescue _ ?” He was getting more irritated as he went on. 

“Oh.” You said, turning around and stepping towards him. You hadn’t heard him move, but he was standing only a few steps from you know.

“ _ Oh. _ ” He mocked.

Now that he clarified what he was referring to, you could see where the misunderstanding came from. You had never been particularly good at the “after” part of things, feeling awkward and exposed after any intimate encounter was over. It had been so long since you had done anything with anyone that it hadn’t even occurred to you. You thought you were just getting out of his way, giving him space, but he didn’t take it that way.

“Oh bud, no, that’s n-” You started

“ _ Bud? _ ” He raised his eyebrows learning back. It was clear this didn’t help your case.

Your use of an endearment usually reserved for those you cared about was a slip that showed you just how invested in Negan you were becoming, but it more than likely seemed like the opposite to him.

You moved in and tried to reset things with a kiss. He tensed at first but softened into you, slowly kissing back. You tried to make him understand through the kiss alone, hoping the base of your message could be conveyed without words. You pulled away from his mouth to look him in the eyes. 

“It wasn’t about that,” you started, not sure how much more needed to be said. For someone who spent so much time talking to others about their feelings, you were exceedingly uncomfortable with expressing your own. 

“Then what  _ was _ it about?” Negan questioned, voice low.

“I..like you when we’re alone.” You said, avoiding eye contact and hoping that was enough explanation, but he waited for more. “I did it because I wanted you, or whatever. I wanted you before last night, you know that.” you pointed out, looking over to the couch where he grinded into you just days before.

‘Or whatever’ was a phrase that came out any time you talked about things that made you uncomfortable, but you worried it may have come across as dismissive. 

“Then why  _ thank _ me?” He asked, still unsure. 

“Um..well it only seemed polite after you let me..I mean..” you trailed off feeling awkward.

“You’re saying you thanked me for  _ letting _ you  _ suck my dick  _ and  _ swallow my cum. _ ” He asked incredulously

“Yes.” You responded confidently, glad that he understood.

“Why leave? You think I wouldn’t have  _ returned _ the  _ favor _ ?” He puzzled.

“I didn’t do you a  _ favor _ and I didn’t want... _ that.  _ I did it because I enjoyed it. I left so you could finish your shower. You know, give you space or whatever.” You explained. “You have how many wives? This can’t be new to you.” you joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“None that do  _ that. _ I can’t remember the last blowjob I had, but I guarantee you there were ulterior motives attached.” He matched your tone. “Really, there isn’t anything that I can do for you?”

“I mean, you could always leave my friends alone, but I think it’ll take more than a blowjob to make a difference there.” You joked. You moved in to kiss him, but he pulled away from you completely. 

“So  _ that’s _ what this is about. What, you thought you’d  _ seduce _ your way into my ear? Have me by the  _ balls _ and call the shots backstage?” He accused, backing away from you and walking towards the door. 

“Negan, you can’t be serious, I-” You tried to explain.

“Cut the  _ bullshit, _ kid. I’ve got a meeting to be at. I want you out of my room. Next time you try your little mind games on me, I’ll find you a different job. Hell, maybe you could take Daryl’s place.” He threatened, leaving the room. 

_ What just happened? _ You thought to yourself. 

You went back to your room still stunned by the encounter. 

_ How did this get so messed up? He accused you of blowing him to pay him back for saving you last night, then almost immediately flipped to accusing you of blowing him to manipulate him? Why can’t a blowjob just be a blowjob?  _ You asked yourself. 

_ Can he genuinely not wrap his mind around the concept of someone being attracted to him? To just genuinely liking him? Yeah, he does some awful shit, but he tries to do some good stuff too... _ at least that was what you told yourself.

You admitted that the joke may have been insensitive, but you had still clearly been joking.  _ Unless he genuinely feels that bad about what he’s done? _

_ He actually might. This probably wasn’t the person he wanted to become at the start of everything. He may have been an asshole coach before, but there’s a big difference between that and an asshole murderer/serial face-burner. _

Thinking about everything Negan has done, even just in the past few weeks, was enough to make you wonder if trying to fix things with him was worth it. But you remembered how he had kissed you after he told you about who he was before. How relieved he seemed to be accepted for who he was. How upset he got when he thought you were using him. That’s when it all clicked. 

_ He doesn’t believe it because he doesn’t think he deserves it. _

The realization dawned on you just as you heard what had to be dozens of guns going off in unison. You rushed out to the hallway, but other people were poking their heads out just as confused as you were. Only minutes later you heard the chaotic pops of a firefight and  _ knew _ he must be at the heart of it. 

You ran through the halls trying to make your way to the conference room. Workers were scattered, ducking for cover unsure of where the threat was coming from. When you finally made it across the complex, you threw the door open to see Negan’s lieutenants and Eugene gathered around the table, Negan missing. 

“Someone at this table is leaking information-” Simon stopped mid sentence turning around at the sound of the door.

“Where is he?” You asked, breathing hard from running. 

“You don’t belong here,” Simon scowled. “This is none of your business.”

“I think that’s up to Negan,” you pushed, knowing Negan would just as soon kick you out, all things considered.

“ _I’m_ _Negan,_ ” Simon warned.

“Best case scenario he’s trapped, worst case he’s dead” Regina explained, taking pity on you. “There’s nothing we can do either way.” She finished. 

You looked to Dwight hoping he’d contradict Regina’s words, but he just shook his head. 

You backed out of the room closing the door behind you. The walk back to your own hallway was a blur, numbness setting in until you could sit down and process everything. You paused outside of your own door, but instead kept going until you were opening the door to his rooms instead. You closed and locked the door behind you, sinking to the floor. 

_ How do you feel about this?  _ You asked yourself, fully prepared to have a one way counseling session with yourself. 

If Negan is dead, Rick probably wouldn’t attack the Sanctuary unless he was provoked. In a perfect world, people could go their separate ways and Alexandria and the Hilltop would be safe. But realistically, Negan being gone won’t change the Saviors’ expectation to collect from the communities. Just like you realized before, things would be significantly worse with Simon in charge.

_ So after acknowledging that Negan dying wouldn’t protect your friends, how do you personally feel about his possible death. _

You felt upset, scared, alone, _sad._ _Really sad._

_ What about Negan’s death would make you personally feel sad? _

You would miss him. You had just started getting to know him, who he was behind closed doors. You liked him. 

_ What do you like about him? _

He’s intelligent, way more intelligent than most people give him credit for. He’s funny. The shock value of his crass remarks make every day more interesting. He’s well read, and handsome, and misunderstood. 

You tried to convince yourself that he was misunderstood in a different way than the serial killers teenage girls used to swoon over, but you knew that realistically your excusal of his barbaric brutality was either the result of Stockholm syndrome or pure stupidity. 

You couldn’t deny how enraptured you became when you saw the predatory mind games he used in action. Not because of the mind games themself, those were cruel, but the dominant energy that radiated from him when he did it. 

You were physically attracted to him, to be sure. But it was far more than that now, and you knew it. 

_ I might love him. _ You admitted to yourself.  _ And now he could be gone. _

You had avoided getting involved with anyone since losing your fiance. You had decided that you couldn’t bear the thought of going through all that again, and had closed yourself off to the idea of falling in love again for what you thought was forever. 

This situation now, with Negan potentially gone, wasn’t the same as back then. You didn’t start a life with him, you didn’t plan a future together, but you knew that if he didn’t come back, there would still be another hole in your heart. 

You busied yourself with cleaning, scrubbing and organizing everything in the kitchen desperate to make yourself useful.  _ He’ll be back.  _ You told yourself anytime the panic started rising in your chest. You paused when you got to the kitchen table where Negan had sat just hours ago. For the first time, you realized what he was reading. The book he had slammed shut earlier had been a copy of Jane Eyre, what you told him only a few days ago was your favorite.

You moved to his bedroom, avoiding disturbing the bed that you had slept in together. You swept, and dusted, and straightened things up until you ran out of things to do there too and moved to his bathroom. You scrubbed his tub, his sink, his counters, avoiding the shower where you were with him so recently.

Eventually, there was nothing left to clean, and you crawled into his side of the bed, desperate to feel close to him, and fell asleep. 

The next morning, you woke up with the scent of him in your nose. His pillow, his blankets, everything around you smelled like him and you soaked it up like a sponge. The clothes you fell asleep in last night were suddenly uncomfortable, too tight, worn too long. You debated for a moment not wanting to invade Negan’s privacy, but you eventually slipped out of bed to his dresser pulling out a plain black shirt. 

You stripped down to your panties sliding his shirt over your head. It was big on you, and you loved how it felt against your skin. You curled back up in his bed feeling that this may be as close as you’d ever feel to him again.


	12. Chapter 12

The sound of the door unlocking made you come to your senses. Was it one of his men here to start looting already? You peaked your head out of the bedroom to see  _ him _ coming through the door. 

“ _ Negan _ ,” you said under your breath. 

He froze when he saw you but you ran to him, throwing your arms around him and holding him tight. He was covered in blood and guts, and smelled awful, but that didn’t stop you. 

“What are you doing in h-” He started to ask.

“Holy shit, you’re  _ okay.”  _ You cut him off, pulling him to you. “Let’s..let’s get you cleaned up.”

He was weak, you could feel him resting his weight against you. He was barely standing by the time you led him to the bathroom. Apparently, he had put on a good front to miraculously reappear in front of his men only to start collapsing when the adrenaline died down. 

You stripped him down to just his underwear and leaned him against the shower wall, using the removable shower head to hose him down. You rinsed the zombie goo off of yourself too, keeping his shirt you had slept in on. 

“I’m  _ perfectly capable _ of showering by myself,” He started reaching to take the showerhead from you, irritation in his voice.

“Just let me...please. I’m just rinsing you off, then I’ll draw you a bath and leave you alone. Lunch will be ready by the time you’re done, then I’ll leave if you want.” You said, looking down to hide the dejection you felt.  _ Was he really still mad? _

“You still trying to  _ manipulate _ me, sweetheart? If so, I’ve got to admit it's working,” He smiled slightly. “But I thought for sure after  _ yesterday _ you’d stop trying to  _ run off _ .”

You looked up at him in surprise. “I wasn't trying to manipulate you...” You paused, not wanting to dwell on the ugliness of the morning before if you had a chance to move past it. “But any time you want me to  _ stick around after _ , all you have to do is say so, sir” You flirted. 

“Then stick around.” He ordered, pulling you close. 

He kissed you hard, making your head spin. You were desperate to touch him, to feel him pressed against you. He pushed you just far enough away to pull his soaking wet shirt over your head, leaving you both in just underwear. It wasn’t until he made a move to peel those off of you too that you snapped back to reality. 

“Woah, woah. You're still weak. You should eat and get some rest. I’m sure you're exhausted. There will be time for that after.” You scolded.

“ _ Weak _ ? Now I wouldn’t go  _ that _ far, sweetheart,” He feigned offense. “I know what I want,” He said darkly, pulling you against his growing erection to emphasize the point. 

“ _ Then you’ll still want it later” _ you whispered in his ear. “I’m going to go draw you that bath. Don’t fall over.” You teased, stepping out of the shower. 

“I’ll get you back for that, doll” He called from the shower, making you smile

You snuck to your own room wrapped in a towel to get dressed in clean clothes before returning to start lunch. You pulled your hair back in a ponytail and slid a dress over your head, not bothering to wear anything underneath. 

It didn’t take long to throw lunch together: simple grilled ham and cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. Everything was finished and being moved to plates as Negan emerged from the bathroom covered with nothing but a towel sitting low on his hips. 

The sight of him made you blush as you sat at the table and ate with him. You tried not to stare at the drips of water that trailed down his neck and chest 

“Damn, I got you  _ good _ , didn’t I?” Negan bragged, tipping your head to the side. 

You had forgotten completely about the hickey you’d spent the past few days trying to hide. 

“Oh, I-” Your hand flew to your neck to cover it.

“Let a man admire his  _ work _ , sweetheart” He teased, moving your hand with his own. 

Something shifted in him, lust clear in his eyes. 

“Come here.” Negan ordered, patting his lap. 

“S-sir,” You started, caught off guard. 

“Don’t  _ make _ me ask _ twice _ ,” He warned. This time, the phrase came across as more flirtatious than threatening.

You straddled him in his chair, feeling him harden through the towel. Something about being so close to his bare chest made your heart pound. Despite your boldness earlier, you suddenly felt shy as you looked up to him, arms resting around his broad shoulders. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it, sir.” You faked more confidence than you felt, moving in to kiss him. 

The stubble that had grown on his cheeks and chin were a sweet contrast to the softness of his lips. He kissed you deeply, pausing to gently drag your bottom lip between his teeth. It sent a warm rush through you that left you frenzied, wanting more of him. You pulled him closer, not wanting any space between you and sighed with the thrill of having his chest pressed against yours. His hands gripped you firmly under your thighs and he stood with you in his arms.

“You’re supposed to be resting,” You scolded him, knowing it was useless. 

“Then let’s go to bed, doll” He flirted, winking when his towel fell as he carried you into his room. 

He tossed you on the bed, climbing up to straddle your hips. He grabbed the hem of your dress and pulled it over your head, smiling at your nakedness underneath as he tossed it to the floor. He paused there before grabbing your wrists and pinning them on either side of your head. You felt yourself submit to him, relaxing every muscle in your body while you drank in the sight of him. Seeing some men naked made them seem vulnerable, but with Negan it was just the opposite. There was something rawly masculine about him, how he moved, how he carried himself, that left you in awe of him. You tilted your chin up to look at him through your lashes, and squirmed beneath him testing to see how seriously you were restrained. Your mouth watered as you lowered your eyes to his sex; you wanted desperately to touch him.

“Tell me what you want” He commanded. 

“You, sir. Any way you’ll let me have you.” You responded.

“After you left me  _ high and dry _ in the shower earlier, you’d better ask _ nicely _ .” he smiled darkly. 

“Please, sir” You insisted, starting to squirm against him in earnest. 

“Please  _ what _ ?” He teased, amused power in his voice. 

You felt your face grow hot, suddenly shy. Your gaze shifting up and down between his eyes and his cock. 

“Use your _words_ , sweetheart _”_ He toyed with you. He slipped his knees between your legs one at a time and grinded forward slowly, his shaft rubbing meaningfully against your slit, making you moan. It was clear what he wanted.

“Please  _ fuck me _ sir. I want you inside of me,” You panted, arching your back and growing more desperate for him by the second. 

“ _ I don’t know _ , someone told me I’m too  _ weak _ ; that I’m supposed to be  _ resting,” _ He teased, only making you want him more. “But maybe you could convince me.”

“ _ Negan, please _ ” You begged in lustful frustration, grinding your hips underneath him in rebellion. 

He released your hands and used one of his own to brace himself against the bed as the other helped guide him to your entrance. 

You were beyond wet, your core and upper thighs were coated with your desire. “ _ Goddamn sweetheart _ , is all that for  _ me _ ?” He drawled, rubbing his smooth tip against you, teasing your entrance as he slid his cock up and down between your folds. 

You wrapped your legs around his waist and ran one hand through his hair as you raked your nails across his back. 

“ _ Negan _ , I-” You were cut off by the pressure of him pushing slowly into your core. The sweet pain of being stretched around him made you inhale sharply as he entered you. It had been so long since you had been with anyone that it felt like the first time all over again. You moaned as he began thrusting slowly, loving how full, how  _ whole _ , you felt with him inside of you. 

“ _ Holy shit _ you’re tight,” Negan bent down to your ear, voice barely above a whisper. His tone was all sex, laced with proud dominance. “You fit like a fucking  _ glove _ , doll” he joked, the corny line making you blush as your core clenched against him. 

He started to speed up, long thrusts coming faster as you adjusted to his size. You pulled him down to you, wanting to feel his weight and have his skin pressed against your own. Even with him inside of you, you still wanted him closer.

Your hands gripped his back, all lean muscle, clawing into fists as his intensity increased. You bit his shoulder gently, moaning against his skin. 

He was getting close--you could feel it in his movements.  _ Yes, _ you thought to yourself, wanting his orgasm. He pulled out suddenly, flipping you onto all fours and pausing before entering you again. He teased you with slow, hard, deep thrusts, pulling all the way out each time.  _ He’s slowing himself down _ , you thought,  _ he wants this to last _ . You smiled at his sweet patience. 

He reached around your thigh and palmed your mound, his middle finger snaking its way between your folds to work your clit. 

“ _ Fuck, _ ” You moaned, the added friction already pushing you towards climax. 

Your moan was all the encouragement he needed to begin thrusting in earnest. He penetrated you so much deeper from this angle, hitting your cervix with each stroke. You loved the shockwaves of pain and pleasure it sent through you, clenching your core tighter around him as you rocked back to meet his thrusts. 

“Fuck,  _ YES,”  _ you moaned, feeling your self getting close. 

He grabbed your ponytail and pulled your body up to him. Your back arched as your arms reached behind you, gripping any part of him you could. His other hand continued to rub your clit as his thrusts came fast and hard. This new position stimulated you in a way you’d never experienced before, pressure building quickly as you approached your climax. 

“Sir, I’m gonna-” You started. 

“I want to hear you say  _ my name _ when you cum,  _ sweetheart _ ” He ordered darkly. This was enough to send you over the edge. 

“ _ Negan,”  _ you cried out as the force of your orgasm overtook you. 

He thrusted into you faster now, riding out the clenches of your orgasm. He slowed his rhythm and lowered your ponytail, gently sending you back to your hands and knees. He was out of you completely now, beginning to work himself with his hand as he leaned over your back

“Don’t stop now, sir. I want to feel you come inside of me” You commanded as you looked back to him. It was bold, reckless even, but you  _ needed _ it. 

He only deliberated for a moment before thrusting back inside of you, gripping your hips for leverage. You moaned at the relief his reentry brought, and his thrusts came faster, more frenzied as he approached his own climax. 

“ _ Yes, Negan” _ you moaned, sending him over the edge. 

You rocked back and forth, feeling him contract inside of you as you rode him through his release. 

“ _ Thank you _ , sir. You’re perfect, you know.” You complimented him as you felt him soften inside of you, completely spent. 

He pulled out of you slowly as if bracing himself, and you braced yourself too, dreading the separation. You whined softly when he was completely free of you, both of you collapsing on the bed side by side.

“Shit, you really are going to be the death of me, kid.” He smiled, playfully nibbling your neck as he got up to grab you a towel. 

You fell asleep naked together in the middle of the afternoon, both of you lost to the world.


	13. Chapter 13

The sound of the door unlocking made you come to your senses. Was it one of his men here to start looting already? You peaked your head out of the bedroom to see  _ him _ coming through the door. 

“ _ Negan _ ,” you said under your breath. 

He froze when he saw you but you ran to him, throwing your arms around him and holding him tight. He was covered in blood and guts, and smelled awful, but that didn’t stop you. 

“What are you doing in h-” He started to ask.

“Holy shit, you’re  _ okay.”  _ You cut him off, pulling him to you. “Let’s..let’s get you cleaned up.”

He was weak, you could feel him resting his weight against you. He was barely standing by the time you led him to the bathroom. Apparently, he had put on a good front to miraculously reappear in front of his men only to start collapsing when the adrenaline died down. 

You stripped him down to just his underwear and leaned him against the shower wall, using the removable shower head to hose him down. You rinsed the zombie goo off of yourself too, keeping his shirt you had slept in on. 

“I’m  _ perfectly capable _ of showering by myself,” He started reaching to take the showerhead from you, irritation in his voice.

“Just let me...please. I’m just rinsing you off, then I’ll draw you a bath and leave you alone. Lunch will be ready by the time you’re done, then I’ll leave if you want.” You said, looking down to hide the dejection you felt.  _ Was he really still mad? _

“You still trying to  _ manipulate _ me, sweetheart? If so, I’ve got to admit it's working,” He smiled slightly. “But I thought for sure after  _ yesterday _ you’d stop trying to  _ run off _ .”

You looked up at him in surprise. “I wasn't trying to manipulate you...” You paused, not wanting to dwell on the ugliness of the morning before if you had a chance to move past it. “But any time you want me to  _ stick around after _ , all you have to do is say so, sir” You flirted. 

“Then stick around.” He ordered, pulling you close. 

He kissed you hard, making your head spin. You were desperate to touch him, to feel him pressed against you. He pushed you just far enough away to pull his soaking wet shirt over your head, leaving you both in just underwear. It wasn’t until he made a move to peel those off of you too that you snapped back to reality. 

“Woah, woah. You're still weak. You should eat and get some rest. I’m sure you're exhausted. There will be time for that after.” You scolded.

“ _ Weak _ ? Now I wouldn’t go  _ that _ far, sweetheart,” He feigned offense. “I know what I want,” He said darkly, pulling you against his growing erection to emphasize the point. 

“ _ Then you’ll still want it later” _ you whispered in his ear. “I’m going to go draw you that bath. Don’t fall over.” You teased, stepping out of the shower. 

“I’ll get you back for that, doll” He called from the shower, making you smile

You snuck to your own room wrapped in a towel to get dressed in clean clothes before returning to start lunch. You pulled your hair back in a ponytail and slid a dress over your head, not bothering to wear anything underneath. 

It didn’t take long to throw lunch together: simple grilled ham and cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. Everything was finished and being moved to plates as Negan emerged from the bathroom covered with nothing but a towel sitting low on his hips. 

The sight of him made you blush as you sat at the table and ate with him. You tried not to stare at the drips of water that trailed down his neck and chest 

“Damn, I got you  _ good _ , didn’t I?” Negan bragged, tipping your head to the side. 

You had forgotten completely about the hickey you’d spent the past few days trying to hide. 

“Oh, I-” Your hand flew to your neck to cover it.

“Let a man admire his  _ work _ , sweetheart” He teased, moving your hand with his own. 

Something shifted in him, lust clear in his eyes. 

“Come here.” Negan ordered, patting his lap. 

“S-sir,” You started, caught off guard. 

“Don’t  _ make _ me ask _ twice _ ,” He warned. This time, the phrase came across as more flirtatious than threatening.

You straddled him in his chair, feeling him harden through the towel. Something about being so close to his bare chest made your heart pound. Despite your boldness earlier, you suddenly felt shy as you looked up to him, arms resting around his broad shoulders. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it, sir.” You faked more confidence than you felt, moving in to kiss him. 

The stubble that had grown on his cheeks and chin were a sweet contrast to the softness of his lips. He kissed you deeply, pausing to gently drag your bottom lip between his teeth. It sent a warm rush through you that left you frenzied, wanting more of him. You pulled him closer, not wanting any space between you and sighed with the thrill of having his chest pressed against yours. His hands gripped you firmly under your thighs and he stood with you in his arms.

“You’re supposed to be resting,” You scolded him, knowing it was useless. 

“Then let’s go to bed, doll” He flirted, winking when his towel fell as he carried you into his room. 

He tossed you on the bed, climbing up to straddle your hips. He grabbed the hem of your dress and pulled it over your head, smiling at your nakedness underneath as he tossed it to the floor. He paused there before grabbing your wrists and pinning them on either side of your head. You felt yourself submit to him, relaxing every muscle in your body while you drank in the sight of him. Seeing some men naked made them seem vulnerable, but with Negan it was just the opposite. There was something rawly masculine about him, how he moved, how he carried himself, that left you in awe of him. You tilted your chin up to look at him through your lashes, and squirmed beneath him testing to see how seriously you were restrained. Your mouth watered as you lowered your eyes to his sex; you wanted desperately to touch him.

“Tell me what you want” He commanded. 

“You, sir. Any way you’ll let me have you.” You responded.

“After you left me  _ high and dry _ in the shower earlier, you’d better ask _ nicely _ .” he smiled darkly. 

“Please, sir” You insisted, starting to squirm against him in earnest. 

“Please  _ what _ ?” He teased, amused power in his voice. 

You felt your face grow hot, suddenly shy. Your gaze shifting up and down between his eyes and his cock. 

“Use your _words_ , sweetheart _”_ He toyed with you. He slipped his knees between your legs one at a time and grinded forward slowly, his shaft rubbing meaningfully against your slit, making you moan. It was clear what he wanted.

“Please  _ fuck me _ sir. I want you inside of me,” You panted, arching your back and growing more desperate for him by the second. 

“ _ I don’t know _ , someone told me I’m too  _ weak _ ; that I’m supposed to be  _ resting,” _ He teased, only making you want him more. “But maybe you could convince me.”

“ _ Negan, please _ ” You begged in lustful frustration, grinding your hips underneath him in rebellion. 

He released your hands and used one of his own to brace himself against the bed as the other helped guide him to your entrance. 

You were beyond wet, your core and upper thighs were coated with your desire. “ _ Goddamn sweetheart _ , is all that for  _ me _ ?” He drawled, rubbing his smooth tip against you, teasing your entrance as he slid his cock up and down between your folds. 

You wrapped your legs around his waist and ran one hand through his hair as you raked your nails across his back. 

“ _ Negan _ , I-” You were cut off by the pressure of him pushing slowly into your core. The sweet pain of being stretched around him made you inhale sharply as he entered you. It had been so long since you had been with anyone that it felt like the first time all over again. You moaned as he began thrusting slowly, loving how full, how  _ whole _ , you felt with him inside of you. 

“ _ Holy shit _ you’re tight,” Negan bent down to your ear, voice barely above a whisper. His tone was all sex, laced with proud dominance. “You fit like a fucking  _ glove _ , doll” he joked, the corny line making you blush as your core clenched against him. 

He started to speed up, long thrusts coming faster as you adjusted to his size. You pulled him down to you, wanting to feel his weight and have his skin pressed against your own. Even with him inside of you, you still wanted him closer.

Your hands gripped his back, all lean muscle, clawing into fists as his intensity increased. You bit his shoulder gently, moaning against his skin. 

He was getting close--you could feel it in his movements.  _ Yes, _ you thought to yourself, wanting his orgasm. He pulled out suddenly, flipping you onto all fours and pausing before entering you again. He teased you with slow, hard, deep thrusts, pulling all the way out each time.  _ He’s slowing himself down _ , you thought,  _ he wants this to last _ . You smiled at his sweet patience. 

He reached around your thigh and palmed your mound, his middle finger snaking its way between your folds to work your clit. 

“ _ Fuck, _ ” You moaned, the added friction already pushing you towards climax. 

Your moan was all the encouragement he needed to begin thrusting in earnest. He penetrated you so much deeper from this angle, hitting your cervix with each stroke. You loved the shockwaves of pain and pleasure it sent through you, clenching your core tighter around him as you rocked back to meet his thrusts. 

“Fuck,  _ YES,”  _ you moaned, feeling your self getting close. 

He grabbed your ponytail and pulled your body up to him. Your back arched as your arms reached behind you, gripping any part of him you could. His other hand continued to rub your clit as his thrusts came fast and hard. This new position stimulated you in a way you’d never experienced before, pressure building quickly as you approached your climax. 

“Sir, I’m gonna-” You started. 

“I want to hear you say  _ my name _ when you cum,  _ sweetheart _ ” He ordered darkly. This was enough to send you over the edge. 

“ _ Negan,”  _ you cried out as the force of your orgasm overtook you. 

He thrusted into you faster now, riding out the clenches of your orgasm. He slowed his rhythm and lowered your ponytail, gently sending you back to your hands and knees. He was out of you completely now, beginning to work himself with his hand as he leaned over your back

“Don’t stop now, sir. I want to feel you come inside of me” You commanded as you looked back to him. It was bold, reckless even, but you  _ needed _ it. 

He only deliberated for a moment before thrusting back inside of you, gripping your hips for leverage. You moaned at the relief his reentry brought, and his thrusts came faster, more frenzied as he approached his own climax. 

“ _ Yes, Negan” _ you moaned, sending him over the edge. 

You rocked back and forth, feeling him contract inside of you as you rode him through his release. 

“ _ Thank you _ , sir. You’re perfect, you know.” You complimented him as you felt him soften inside of you, completely spent. 

He pulled out of you slowly as if bracing himself, and you braced yourself too, dreading the separation. You whined softly when he was completely free of you, both of you collapsing on the bed side by side.

“Shit, you really are going to be the death of me, kid.” He smiled, playfully nibbling your neck as he got up to grab you a towel. 

You fell asleep naked together in the middle of the afternoon, both of you lost to the world.


	14. Chapter 14

You woke up to find Negan dressing, clearly in a hurry.

“What is it?” You asked.

“The priest isn’t doing well, he’s with Dr. Carson now. I’m going to go check on things and have the doc look me over too, we were covered in the same _intestines_ coming out of the trailer.” Negan explained. 

“The priest?” You asked, not sure who he meant. 

“From Alexandria, Gabriel. He was trapped out there with me. He’s the one who got us out.” Negan clarified. 

“Gabriel’s sick? He’s here?!” Shock and worry washed over you as you jumped out of bed to throw your dress on. You pulled your hair out of its ponytail, desperate to hide your love bite before facing anyone from home. 

The shame of sleeping with the “enemy”, of being wrapped around Negan’s finger came over you in a wave, but you pushed it to the back of your mind. 

You followed only steps behind him to the infirmary, still not sure enough to find it on your own. When you got through the door, Gabriel was shaking in his bed, Dr. Carson from Hilltop tending to him. As Carson and Negan headed to an adjoining room, you rushed to Gabriel’s side. 

“Gabriel,” You said, overwhelmed by the sight of your friend. You took his hand in yours, holding it tightly. “What happened, what’s going on?”

“Daryl said you were okay, but I’ll admit I’m glad to witness it for myself,” He smiled, trying to distract you from his condition. “Apparently, I chose the wrong walker to wear.” He half joked. 

“This is all from the guts you guys covered yourself in? But we’ve done it tons of times, and nothing like this has ever happened to anyone..” You trailed off, trying to rationalize how this could have happened. “But you and Negan used the same walkers, didn’t you? How is he okay?”

“Some things are just fate. Everything happens for a reason. God has brought me here, it’s part of his plan. And if this is his end for me, then so be it.” Gabriel reasoned. 

You had watched Gabriel come a long way since he had first arrived in Alexandria. You admired his growth, his faith, and his unfailing optimism. The two of you had grown close through your similar roles and supported each other however you could. Seeing him shaking and sweating with fever broke your heart. 

“That may be the closest thing to pessimism I’ve heard from you in a while,” You tried to joke, and he smiled. “This isn’t how you die, Gabe. I’m here now, and I’m not letting you go anywhere. Have you eaten? Has Dr. Carson given you anything for the fever?” You asked, wondering where to start. 

“I’m fine. I’m in good hands, and Dr. Carson is doing everything he can.” Gabriel assured you. 

“They have some yarrow at the commissary. I’m going to come back with some tea, maybe it will help” You left before he could protest. 

Yarrow wasn’t cheap, but it could be added to your tab. The woman who grew the herbs sold the dried plants in makeshift tea bags. You bought a small jar worth and rushed back to the infirmary, fixing a mug with hot water from the kettle Dr. Carson kept on hand to sterilize tools. 

You tried for small talk with Gabriel while the tea brewed, Negan and Dr. Carson’s voices drifting in from the open door. Negan didn’t stop you from coming, but there was no telling if he would let you stay once his business was done. 

“How are things back home?” You asked.

“Things have been different. We’ve lost a lot of people, probably a lot more after yesterday, but our world has gotten a lot bigger too with Hilltop and the Kingdom.” He replied. 

“The Kingdom?” You asked, never having heard about them before. 

“Another community like ours, a group of good people...They joined us not long after you left in the fight to put an end to Negan.” He explained. His words threw you off, the ‘fight to put an end to Negan’ making you feel sick.  _ How many people will die in this vendetta?  _ You knew that Negan had done a lot of wrong, but he’s just one man. Even if they were to kill Negan, they’d still be in the same position they are now.  _ Nothing would change _ .

“So, you were locked in there with him for quite a while. Is he as bad as you thought he would be?” You asked, playing it off as a joke. 

“If he was as bad as I thought he would be, I’d already be dead,” Gabriel paused. “But he’s just as much of a prick as I expected.” He finished. 

You couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, he is that. But..but do you really think he’s evil? Do you think so many people dying to take out one man is justified? Even if..if Negan was gone, the communities would still be in the same position they’re in now. The only difference is there’d be someone else in charge of the Sanctuary. And trust me, there are people far worse than  _ him _ ” You finished, nodding to the open doorway. The tea was done, and you brought the mug to his mouth.

“I’ve wondered that myself: If his death would really make a difference. It might make people feel better, but even though he’s an insufferable asshole, he’s still just one man.” Gabriel paused to take a sip of the tea, cringing at taste. “But even if he isn’t inherently evil as some people think, killing people the way he does, taking so much from us that we’re all scraping to get by, he’s still a monster.” Gabriel finished. 

“His methods are barbaric, but I don’t know that  _ he _ is. I don’t think he likes what he does all the time. I think he sees himself as the good guy.” You offered. Gabriel gave you a look that told you that you went too far in defending him. 

“I know you see the good in people, but remember not to let yourself see  _ only _ the good. You’re smarter than that. Remember what he did to Glenn and Abraham. To Spencer and Olivia. To Sasha,” He started. 

“What did he do to Sasha?” You asked. 

“You don’t know? She came here to kill him on her own, but she was caught and he used her as leverage when he came to attack Alexandria. He brought her there in a coffin, supposedly alive. But she had..reanimated when he opened the lid. I don’t think he intended that one.” Gabriel added. 

“He attacked Alexandria?” You were numb with shock.  _ When? How could you not know about it? _

“He did. A lot of people died,” He paused. “I know you see the best in people, but don’t let yourself be fooled by a wolf in sheep's clothing.” 

“Is Liam-” You started to ask, afraid of the answer. 

“He’s’ fine.” Gabriel cut in before you finished. 

Just then, Negan walked through the doorway, loud swaggering steps announcing his presence. 

“Visiting hours are over.” He said, voice low. “Come with me.” He ordered

You paused, not wanting to leave Gabriel’s side but knowing you didn’t have a choice. You kissed Gabriel’s hand and told him you’d be back when you could. Negan waited for you outside of the infirmary.

“What the fuck-” You started, furious. 

“Upstairs.” He sighed, exacerbated. Irritation showed in his eyes.

You didn’t want to follow him. Hell, you didn’t want to be near him, but you didn’t know what else to do. To your surprise, he stopped outside of your room instead of his. He opened the door and motioned for you to go inside. You heard the door lock behind you before you turned around. 

“What the FUCK” You called, banging on the door. 

“Look doll, I’ve got shit to handle here that can’t wait. I’ll be back in an hour, but I need  _ you _ to stay put.” He explained, walking away.

You paced what little floor space your megar room had to offer, only growing more angry with time.  _ Sasha was here and you didn’t know? He attacked Alexandria? How much else didn’t you know?  _ Gabriel had been right, you had let your guard down too much in front of Negan, trusted him too much. When he accused you of trying to manipulate him, he was projecting. He was the one manipulating you. You picked up your plastic knife when you his footsteps outside your door, not sure what you would do with it. 

“I don’t want anything to do with you.” You spat, hoping he’d leave.

“Hm. That’s not what it seemed like  _ this morning _ , doll.” He teased as he opened the door. He closed it behind him, walking directly into your personal space completely ignoring your makeshift weapon. 

“That was before I found out that you attacked my _home._ That Sasha was here, that you _killed her too.”_ You accused. “What the fuck do you want from me? Why lie to me, why _sleep_ _with me_? To stick it to Rick? To humiliate me? I had really started to think you didn’t enjoy hurting people. I thought you were at least _considering_ handling things without trying to wipe out entire civilizations.”

“Maybe I’ve been too _lenient_ with you. I think you’re forgetting your place here, sweetheart. You’re not one of my _advisors, hell,_ you're not one even one of my _people_ , and I don’t owe you _shit_.” He stepped forward as he talked, forcing you back until you were against the bed. “Not that you _asked_ but I didn’t mean for Sasha to die. _Apparently_ , she ran out of air, which I’m more than a little _suspicious_ _of_. I was going to use her as leverage to put a peaceful if not _thorough_ end to this shit with Alexandria. She _agreed_ to it. I didn’t go there to fight even though they made a deal with some _trash people_ trying to _set me up_ , I went there to make an example out of _one_ person to settle things and be off on my _merry way_ , _doll_. What happened there was your friends’ fault. They’re the ones who started firing.” He explained. 

“Then why  _ hide it _ ” you hissed, trying to stand your ground. 

“Because I knew you’d  _ react _ like  _ this _ .” he glanced to the knife on the ground then bore back into your eyes. “But we still have another item on the  _ agenda _ , kid _ ,”  _ His face grew harder. “How long have you and the  _ creepy priest _ been fucking?” He sneered, but it was all you could do not to laugh.

“ _ Excuse _ me?” You asked, pushing him back a step and invading  _ his _ space, craning your neck to mimic his own technique. “You want to run that by me  _ again _ ?” You asked rhetorically. “I’ve never  _ touched  _ Gabriel. I-”

“No? Is he  _ immune _ to your... _ charms _ , being a man of the cloth? If you haven’t fucked him yet it’s clear you want to.” He spat, face contorting with something.  _ Jealousy? “ _ It’s not like you tried to  _ hide _ it. Holding his hand, running up your tab to make him some  _ tea? _ ” He leaned down, desperate to hold his ground. The argument was just as psychological as it was verbal, body language reinforcing everything being said on both sides.

“I _care_ about him. He’s my _friend_. You think I wouldn’t have done the same thing for you? For _anyone_? I got enough tea to take care of _both of you._ ” You added, not liking the admission though you knew it was true. “Not that _you_ asked, but I haven’t been with anyone since my _fiance_. Not since the _beginning of things,”_ You spat back, taking a step forward. His eyebrows drew together and _he_ was the one backing up from _you_ now, giving you the metaphorical high ground. “And who did _I_ seduce? _You_ were the one that came onto _me_. Is a whole _harem_ of wives not enough for you? Did you just fuck me to see if you could? Well congratulations, I fell for every word you said, _sir._ I really liked you. You win, I feel like an idio-” You were cut off by his lips on yours.

You tried to fight him, but he held you to him tightly. Everything he felt, his anger, his jealousy, his  _ relief _ , were evident in the kiss. You didn’t realize you’d been stepping backwards until your legs hit the edge of the bed making your knees buckle as you fell to your back on the mattress. He straddled you, biting and sucking your neck hard enough to make you yelp. He lifted the hem of your dress over your head in one clean pull and grabbed your chin between his forefinger and thumb.

“Who are you?” He asked, voice low. 

“What?” You asked, taken aback. 

“Who. are. you?” He asked again. You’d seen him do this with his men, albeit less intimately. 

“I’m not  _ Negan,  _ if that’s what you’re asking.” There was still venom in your voice. 

“Sweetheart, if you want to be in on things, you want to be a  _ part  _ of things here, you’re going to have to give me  _ something _ ” He wrestled as you started to squirm, planting your feet into the mattress. 

You bucked your hips hard and pushed him to the side, rolling on top of him and pinning his arms the way he had done to yours earlier that morning. You were so close to the edge of the small bed, you were amazed you hadn’t both toppled to the floor. You may have caught him off guard to get him under you, but it was obvious he only stayed there of his own volition. 

“Let me get this straight, you tell me you don’t  _ owe me shit _ , accuse me of fucking Gabriel, call me a _ seductress _ , then expect me to want to have sex with you and join your  _ cult? _ I don’t think so.” You started. “I’m done with your bullshit” You moved to get off him completely, but he caught you, rolling to pin you again. Things escalated as he unzipped his leather jacket and pulled off his red scarf, tying one end around your wrist and feeding the rest through the edge of your metal bed frame. It was clear where this was going, and you couldn’t deny the rush or heat in your core as he grabbed and tied your second wrist. You also couldn’t help the calm submission that swept over you as every muscle you had tensed began to relax under him.

“Why is it that you’re so much _more manageable_ when you’re _restrained_?” a grin spread across his face. “Are you one of those _kinky_ _women_ who are _into_ that shit? You _are_ , aren’t you?” He teased, already knowing the answer. “Let’s test my theory. I’m _curious_ , sweetheart” He reached between your legs and ran one finger up your slit while you squirmed beneath him trying to conceal your arousal. 

“Cut it out” You ordered as he brought his finger to his mouth and sucked it clean.

“Careful,” He started, never once breaking eye contact. “You tell me to stop again and I’ll actually  _ do it _ . Is that what you want, doll?” He taunted.

“N-no,” You blushed.  _ Negan had done more shitty things, hid them from you, made accusations about you, and here you are still putty in his hands.  _ You hated yourself for it, but your irritation with him melted away. 

“I didn’t  _ think _ so.” He grinned, dipping his finger into your juices again and putting his finger in your mouth this time. You stroked his finger with your tongue as you sucked it clean, making Negan gasp.

He unbuttoned his pants, pulling them down just far enough to expose his own arousal. He flipped you over onto your stomach and pulled your hips up to meet his, your arms stretched out straight in front of you. 

“Lets try this again,” He purred, pushing just his tip past your ready entrance, making you groan for more. “Who are you?” He asked, tone still playful. 

“Apparently I’m a _ kid _ from Alexandria. Does that make you a  _ pedophile _ , sir?” You brattily replied, mocking the nickname that had caught on during your time at the Sanctuary. He thrusted into you hard in response, pounding against your cervix. 

“ _ Wrong answer, _ love.” He continued to thrust, building up speed as he pulled your hips back to meet him. _ Love? _ You couldn’t help wondering at the use of a new pet name, but you pushed it to the back of your mind, not wanting to miss a moment of your punishment.

He went on like that for minutes while you moaned beneath him, enjoying his new found roughness. Just when you were about to finish, he pulled out completely. He swiped his thumb down your slit, dipping into your entrance before replacing it with the tip of his cock. His thumb circled around your asshole as he asked his question again. 

“Who are you?” He asked, but your answer didn’t change. He started thrusting again as he slowly pushed his thumb inside of you. As full as you felt with just his cock, the added pressure of his finger built you back up towards your climax quickly. Your moan turned into a whimper as he pulled out of both holes without warning. This time, he dipped two fingers into your core before positioning them in place.

“Goddamn sweetheart, you didn’t even  _ flinch _ . How much more can you take? You’ve got me feeling like a  _ kid _ in a  _ candy shop _ ,” You could hear the smile in his voice. “But really doll, who are you?”

You wouldn’t give him the answer he was looking for, and you braced yourself for his reentry. His fingers stretched you wide while his cock pumped back into you, and you couldn’t help but moan. Two long fingers were a lot more to handle than one thumb, and the added stretch was almost overwhelming. He began moving his fingers in and out in rhythm with his thrusts, making you cry out. 

“ _ Fuck, YES, sir. _ ” you rocked against him and he paused, giving you a turn to do the work. It wasn’t long before he took back over, impatient with your slower pace. 

He spread the fingers inside of you apart on a backstroke and slipped a third finger in without missing a beat. You were teetering between pleasure and pain as the pressure increased, unable to think of anything besides his hard thrusts. Your climax came without warning, and you felt yourself clamp down on him as he kept moving through your orgasm, not pulling away until your pulses were over. When he was sure you were finished, he flipped you over to your back. It wasn’t until then that you saw the look of surprise (if not awe) on his face. You blushed and bit your lip, too embarrassed to keep his eye contact. His hand grabbed your chin, forcing you to look up at him. There was a desperation in his eyes. 

“I’m only going to ask you _ one. more. time. _ ,” He paused. “Who are you, love?” 

You felt your face soften, not knowing if it was because of his words or the look in his eyes. It suddenly clicked: Being jealous towards Gabriel, his accusations, this wasn’t about you joining the Saviors, it was about you and him. 

“I’m yours, sir,” You paused as you watched something like relief flicker in his eyes. You wished you could touch him, that you could stroke his cheek to reinforce your words. “Negan, I’m yours.” 

He leaned down to kiss you, his hand sliding down from your chin to around your neck. You moaned, throat vibrating in his grip, and he pulled away from your mouth to look down as he guided himself back to your entrance.

He moved slower now, his rhythm steady as he looked down at you. 

“Say it again, sweetheart.” He said softly, but without losing his dominance. 

“I’m  _ yours _ , Negan” You said, looking directly into his eyes.

“That’s fucking right, doll. You’re  _ mine _ .” He spoke low into your ear, his grip tightening around your neck as he pumped into you faster. 

Part of you knew you shouldn’t find his possessiveness attractive, but you couldn’t help yourself. You bit your lip, moaning at his words. 

He started fucking you harder now, his moment of tenderness fully passed as he took his pleasure from you. He couldn’t help but moan as you clenched around him, about to orgasm again. 

“I want you to look me in the  _ eyes _ when you cum, sweetheart. Where do you want it?” He asked of his seed. 

“I want it inside of me, Negan.  _ Please _ ,” you begged against his hand on your throat. 

His rhythm became more frenzied as his climax approached him, the mere thought of his orgasm pushing you over the edge. Your whole body spasmed as you looked into his eyes. 

“ _ Negan _ ,” you cried out, and his own pulses started. The intimacy of staring into each other’s eyes while you both came was overwhelming, but you didn’t dare look away. 

When both of you were spent, he pulled out and untied your wrists after re-buttoning his pants. Without any thought or provocation, your hands flew to cover your face as you collected yourself, recovering from the whirlwind of the last 10 minutes.

“Shit, was I too rough?” He paused, waiting for a response. “Did I go too far?”

“What?  _ No! _ No, not at all. I’m just..I just.. _ thank you _ .” You managed, looking up at him. You squirmed out from under him, and laid down against the wall, making room for him to lay beside you. “I’m just...that was amazing, I...” You trailed off, embarrassed. 

“Well  _ good _ , get  _ used to it _ , sweetheart.” He gave an arrogant grin as he settled in next to you, hands resting behind his head. You curled into him, resting your head on his chest and running your fingers through his chest hair as he fell asleep. 

When you were sure he was sleeping, you started whispering to him. You hated talking about feelings, but there were things that still weighed on your mind. Talking about how you felt when the other person was sleeping was enough to take the burden of holding it in off of you without facing the potential consequences. You didn’t expect him to respond or anything to come from it, but already felt better the second you started. 

“Are you awake?” You paused, waiting to see if he responded. “Good.” You whispered when he didn’t respond. “I like you a lot. More than I’m comfortable with, really. But I know I’ve been shitty to you, sir. Every time something goes wrong, I’m so quick to doubt you, but I hope you understand the position I’m in here. You’ve killed people I cared about. You’re  _ terrorizing _ my friends and family. Everyone I know wants to see you  _ dead _ , and here I am playing house with you.” You paused to make sure he was still sleeping.

“I know that I should hate you, but I  _ can’t”  _ You continued when he didn’t move. “And the more time I spend with you, the more I get to know you, the more I fall for the man who watches me cook, and keeps me safe. The more I learn about you, the more I want to know. I like who you are when we’re alone together. I don’t exactly  _ hate _ your public persona either. Hell, I’d never admit it, but I enjoy watching you scare the shit out of some of the assholes you let walk around here. Everything about you draws me in, but there’s a part of me in the back of my mind constantly wondering if anything you say to me is real. I know you know how to get into people’s heads, and I can’t help but wonder if you’re just trying to get in mine. But as long as I don’t talk about Alexandria, as long as I don’t give you any information that can be used against my friends, the only one who stands to get hurt here is me.” You paused again to make sure his eyes were still shut. 

“At first, I thought things were just physical, but the longer this goes on, the more I’m starting to think it’s more than that. It is for me, at least. But gosh, I want to be with you all the time. Like, ALL the time. Every time I’m alone with you, I want to touch you. Every time you’re inside of me, I want to stay like that forever. Then when I see Eugene or Gabriel, I’m reminded of how everyone I know would feel if they knew what I was doing here, and I feel guilty and ashamed. Do you see where I’m coming from?” You paused again. 

“But I’m also kind of happy to be stuck here with you, and I like the idea of being yours, whatever that might mean. And holy SHIT I don’t regret anything we’ve done. I’ve never felt that kind of chemistry with  _ anyone _ . Shit, you know exactly what I need. I hope you’re getting as much out of this as I am. Fuck. Your dick is like magic, dude. Every time I think about it, my mouth waters. I wonder how you’d feel about me waking you up with a blowjob in the morning. But that’s probably something I should run past you first, that could be quite startling” It only came naturally that once the deeper stuff was off your chest, you lightened the mood with his still sleeping form. It wasn’t until then that you heard him chuckle softly, his chest bouncing up and down. 

You tensed up instantly, sitting up and away from him.  _ How much did he hear? What did you even say? You had been rambling the whole time. _

“My  _ dick _ is like _ magic _ ?” He teased. “Well sweetheart, you can wake me up with a blowjob any time you want, you’ll never hear me complain.” He smiled. 

“What else did you hear?” you asked, blushing. 

“Was there more?” He gave a cheshire smile that didn’t tell you whether he heard everything or nothing. “Hey, I’m just  _ teasing _ you, kid. You're fine. Come here.” He said, patting his chest. You hesitated but laid back down. 

“If it makes you feel better, you know me better than anyone alive.” he kissed the top of your head. “Now go to sleep, doll.”


	15. Chapter 15

You woke up to Negan humming as he ran his hand through your hair.

“You’re awake already?” You asked, still half asleep. 

“We’ve got a meeting to be at in half an hour, I figured you’d want enough time to get dressed.” He looked down. 

“We?” You asked, confused. 

“You’re my new lieutenant. You’d have to sit in on all the meetings, be part of the discussions, the whole nine yards, kid. Unless you’d rather go back to  _ sleep _ .” He teased. 

“I’m up!” You jumped, grabbing jeans and a t-shirt and headed to the door, grabbing your shower bag on the way. “I’ll be back in 10 minutes,” you called, throwing yesterday’s dress on and heading to the showers. 

The water was cold but you didn’t mind, the chill waking you completely. You washed quickly and ran shampoo and conditioner through your hair before drying off and dressing in the stall. When you came back, Negan was in his own room, getting ready himself. You sat back on your bed and brushed through your hair, leaving it down to hide Negan’s multiple marks on you. You opened your door just as he was approaching.

“Now look, we can’t show up together. When we’re in that room, I’m going to be a  _ hardass _ . If you want to question something, you question it  _ in my room _ , not in front of my  _ men _ .” He warned. 

“Yes sir,” You replied and headed off, knowing he would want to be the last one to arrive. 

You walked in and sat down in the empty seat next to the head of the table, only looking at Eugene and Dwight. Both of them looked back, confused. 

“Are you _ lost _ ?” Simon asked indignantly. 

“I’m here on Negan’s orders.” You glared at him.

It wasn’t long before Negan walked in, Lucille slung lazily over his shoulder. He was in full on predator mode, slow dramatic steps and condescending smile meant to intimidate everyone at the table. You avoided making eye contact, trying to hide the rush of exhilaration seeing him like this gave you. 

“As some of you may have noticed, we’ve been trapped here for days now with no contact from our outposts and no way to get supplies.  _ One _ of you here is working with  _ Rick _ and his prick brigade. You told him where to be and how to get here.  _ You _ know it,  _ I _ know it, and when I find out who it was, it is  _ not _ going to be pretty. But for  _ now _ , we’ve got bigger issues.” Negan said as a lead in to discussing the shortages of food and water, the growing disquiet of the workers, and what could be done about the communities’ uprising. 

You didn’t chime in at all during the meeting, instead focusing on figuring out the dynamics of things. Simon sat across the table from Negan, that statement being clear: Simon was second in command. But Negan shot down a lot of what Simon said, especially when he suggested wiping out the communities altogether. There was tension between them. Negan made more eye contact with Dwight than anyone else in the room as if waiting to hear Dwight’s opinion on the various issues that came up, but Dwight stayed quiet unless he felt obligated to speak. Something was off about Dwight’s body language. What he said matched how he moved, but almost unnaturally, like he was doing it consciously. Everyone else’s body language was strictly attentive, if not tense from Negan’s threatening presence. 

“I can’t help but notice the growing number of  _ Alexandrians _ on the council.  _ Him _ I understand,” Simon paused, pointing at Eugene. “But what does  _ she _ have to offer?”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re questioning my  _ judgement _ , Simon,” Negan paused, a dangerous look in his eyes before the condescending smile returned. “But lucky for you, I  _ do _ know better.  _ She _ ,” He emphasized by pointing his bat. “Has training in psychology. She’s going to  _ sniff out our rat _ if she hasn’t already, and help us keep everyone in line while we figure out how to get the  _ fuck _ out of here.” 

“Psychology?” Simon questioned unwisely. You could see Negan was running out of patience with the man. You turned to Simon without a second thought. 

“You’re one of the middle children in a big family, leaning towards the younger side of your siblings. If your parents didn’t knock you around, your older brothers, maybe even sisters, certainly did. You struggled in school,” You started, standing from your chair. “You’re what they’d call a ‘slow learner’. Your IQ is low, but not low enough to call it an intellectual disability. I’m sure you were tested for a learning disability, but you wouldn’t have qualified without an area of strength to compare your low achievement scores to.” 

“ _ Excuse _ me?” Simon cut in, his irritation only proving you right. 

“You were likely in your older siblings’ shadow your whole life. Maybe your younger siblings’ too. But you were a mama’s boy, desperate for her attention for sure. You wanted so badly to be the tough guy in charge, to show the same brutality to others that was shown to you. Maybe that’s why everything you do now is a poor imitation of Negan. You emulate his inflection, his body language, you try to imitate his charisma too, but...without success. It makes you look positively  _ lovestruck _ .” You paused again moving closer to him, taking a page out of Negan’s book yourself. The fear and disgust that flickered in Simon’s eyes let you know that you had unknowingly hit the nail on the head. 

“What did you do before the world ended? You could have been in a trade, but something tells me that wasn’t it. Food service? Maybe. But my guess is something more overlooked than that. Maybe custodial?” Simon was clearly uncomfortable. “There’s nothing wrong with that, my best friend was a janitor. It’s an important job” You said sincerely. “I bet you were married at one point too, going for that apple pie life, trying to check off the boxes, impress your family, but I’m guessing that fell through long before things got bad.” You were close to him now, leaning into his ear to keep what you’d say next private. “Probably because  _ one of you _ realized she wasn’t doing it for you. You’ll never admit it. You hate yourself for it,  _ wrongly _ , I might add, but all you  _ really  _ want is to get  _ dicked down _ .” You whispered. 

Simon’s fist slammed into the table as his face turned red. It wasn’t until then you noticed that everyone’s eyes were on you.

“That’s enough.” Negan said harshly, but you could see him trying to hide an amused smile with his hand as he rubbed his beard. “Meeting dismissed.” 

Simon sprung out of his chair immediately, turning to face you.. 

“Relax. That stays between us.” You cut off whatever he was going to say.

“You better watch yourself.” Simon threatened.

You left the room and caught up to Dwight. 

“Dude, not that I don’t appreciate what you’re doing for Alexandria, but you’re going to get a lot of people killed including  _ yourself. _ He’s not dumb, Dwight. If he doesn’t know already he’ll put it together soon. You need to lay low until you can get out of here for good.” You warned him. 

“If some people have to die to take him down, so be it. It’ll be worth it” He snipped. You were surprised by his easy admittal. 

“Taking him down isn’t the answer. It won’t make a difference.” You tried to explain.

“Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. But it’ll sure feel good.” Dwight paused. “You going to run and tell him?” Dwight asked, clearly anxious. 

“No,” You replied with a sigh.

You were as torn, as you had been since your arrival here, between Alexandria and the Sanctuary. You wanted everyone to get along, everyone to live happily ever after, but you knew that wasn’t realistic. You wanted what was best for everyone, whatever left the most people  _ alive  _ at the end of this conflict. But what  _ was _ that? Negan being dead wouldn’t fix the current conflict, and his removal from leadership would only leave Simon in charge. It was obvious that Rick would come soon for their surrender to save the workers, but where did that leave Negan’s top men? Would he accept their surrender too? The rest of Negan’s lieutenants were more level headed, smarter, more true neutral than chaotic evil the way Simon was, and they had the people’s respect. If Negan stepped down and Simon was out of the picture, they might be able to keep people in line here and be able to keep some semblance of peace with the other communities. 

You made your way back to Negan’s room, and waited for him there sitting at the kitchen table. 

“Negan,” You said as he walked in, not sure how this talk was going to go. 

“Damn kid, I’ve never seen anything like that in my whole _goddamn_ _life_. Did you learn that shit in _college_?” Negan asked, an amused smile gleaming widely.

“Ah, well, some of it.” You started. “The rest was from reading too much sherlock holmes.” You admitted sheepishly. “But it wouldn’t have worked if Simon was any smarter, he gave me everything I needed to know.”

“I don’t know what you whispered to him, but it was absolutely  _ savage _ . I didn’t know you had that in you,  _ sweetheart. _ ” He started.

“That guy brings out the worst in me,” You admitted, not quite proud, but not as ashamed as you should be for humiliating someone like that. You didn’t like the dark amusement you felt. Negan might be rubbing off on you.

“So, Dwight’s the rat.” Negan stated as if he had known it the entire time. You tried to keep your face blank, but he rolled his eyes.

“I’m not going to kill him,” Negan reassured you. “Hell, I’m not going to do anything about him yet. He might still be useful later.” he smiled. 

“Why?” You asked, unconvinced. 

“I  _ like _ Dwight. Despite the current  _ predicament _ , I trust him. Not  _ personally _ maybe, but when I’m gone one day, he’s the  _ only _ son of a bitch I’d feel good about leaving in charge here.” Negan explained. 

_ That makes sense _ , you thought to yourself.  _ He torments Dwight, but he keeps him close. He’s been grooming him to take charge one day in his own warped way. _

“I couldn’t agree more. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something..” You paused, waiting to be shut down. “Negan, you know I want what’s best for everyone, right?” You paused again as his gaze grew suspicious. “You know I want peace, and for everyone to come out of this alive. Including you” You paused again, waiting for him to stop you. “I know you won’t like this, but once we clear the herd, and we  _ will _ clear the herd, I think you need to get out of here. Leave the Sanctuary behind. Start over somewhere new-” He laughed humorlessly

“ _ No chance _ , sweetheart.” Negan scoffed. “I’m not stepping down. You think Rick would let me live if I  _ did? _ No.”

“Not step down, necessarily, just move.” You insisted. “You have people scoping out Ohio.  _ Quietly  _ take a small group of saviors leaving the council behind to run things, and start a second sanctuary without anyone knowing. Do things differently the second time around”

“And what, just  _ pussy out _ ? No one would follow someone who's running away from a fight. And you think Rick and them would just give up looking and  _ let me go _ ? You’re dreaming, kid.” Negan countered. 

“Then go off without your people.” You started, trying to keep the irritation out of your voice. “Your workers are on the verge of an uprising. You think it would be hard to believe that some of them set your rooms on fire with you in them?” You suggested carefully. 

“Are you actually suggesting that I  _ fake my death _ ? That’s some  _ cowardly _ shit. And if I’m not in there, who would be?” Negan asked, irritated. 

“In one day, maybe two, I have a feeling there will be a body or two around here to burn.” You replied. “You could sneak out of a window or something. There are still ways out of here.” 

“I’m not leaving my people, and I’m not running away. End of discussion, kid. Look, I see where you’re coming from, but it isn’t happening.” He said sternly. 

“Don’t you ever get tired of being in charge?” The question came out more angry than you’d meant it. “Are you really willing to sacrifice dozens if not hundreds of lives for it?”

“I know what I’m doing.” Negan growled. 

“I really hope you do” you said more softly. 

He was silent for a long minute, never looking away from you. His face was unreadable, and you couldn’t keep his eye contact. He leaned down to you the way you’d seen him do to so many other people. 

“If anyone else even  _ hinted _ at the shit you were saying, I would personally beat the  _ shit _ out of them.” Negan drawled. 

You couldn’t deny that you were intimidated, but you also knew if he had planned to start swinging, he wouldn’t tell you about it first.

“I’m going to go check on Gabriel. I’ll come back in time to fix lunch. I’ll just be 20 minutes.” You said, wanting to give him some space. 

You spent some time with Gabriel, but the priest was far worse than the day before. You made him tea, and talked about home until he fell asleep. Dr. Carson came up to change the wet rag on Gabriel’s forehead as you stood up to leave. 

“What are his chances?” You asked, bracing yourself for the answer you already knew was coming. 

“His body can’t fight the infection on its own. Without antibiotics, it’s only a matter of time before his organs shut down.” 

“Isn’t penicillin made from mold? Can’t we grow our own?” You asked, but you knew if there was something that could be done, Dr. Carson would already be doing it. 

“I don’t know enough about it to know what strain of mold we’d need, or how to culture it. Even if I did, by the time it grew, it’d be too late. Some of Negan’s ‘saviors’ were sent to raid a college clinic, but even if they found anything they couldn’t get it back here.” Carson sighed. 

_ A college clinic. Negan sent DJ and Laura to the university in Ohio. They should be back in the area by now without a doubt, but where would they go once they saw there was no way back into the complex? If they stayed close enough to be within walkie range, they could be our only access to men on the outside. They may be our way to clear the herd. _

You headed back upstairs in a rush to talk to Negan, bursting through his unlocked door without stopping to knock. When you didn’t see him in the main area, you went to his bedroom. 

You stopped in your tracks when you saw them; Negan naked with Frankie straddling him in one of her black dresses kissing his neck. A rush of shock ran up your spine as your breath caught in your chest. 

“Oh..oh my, I’m so sorry,” You started as Frankie looked up at you in surprise. “I should have knocked, I didn’t mean to interrupt. Uh, my bad.” You fumbled as you turned around, rushing out the door and back to your room. 

You knew you were feeling a lot of different things, embarrassment being at the top of the list.  _ What else did you feel? Anger? No. Disgust? No, not that either. Hurt? Maybe a little after Negan was so eager to claim you only the night before. But why should you feel hurt? He never claimed that he wanted to be  _ yours _ , and you never set any expectation of him being monogamous. But what about jealousy? Did seeing Negan with someone else make me jealous? _

While you didn’t like witnessing it firsthand, you knew Negan had multiple women at his beck and call. You shouldn’t be surprised that he was still...intimate..with his ‘wives’ after a few days of fooling around with you, however unromantic their agreements might be. While there was a twinge of possessiveness you felt towards Negan, jealousy implied that you had a problem with Frankie, which wasn’t the case. If anything, it was exactly what you needed to step back from things with Negan and start keeping things professional (or whatever could pass as professional in your predicament) until you paid off the rest of your debt and made your way back home once the herd was cleared or Rick came for the Sactuary’s surrender. 

You heard a knocking at your door, and blinked your thoughts away as you went to answer it. Negan stood there with a look you’d never seen before. 

“Look-” he started, but you cut him off. 

“Are you ready for lunch then, sir?” You asked, face and mind blank. You noted somewhere in your mind that you were calling him  _ sir _ to distance yourself from him instead of using it as a term of endearment as you usually did. 

“Lunch? Are we going to  _ ignore _ what just happened?” He drawled, eyebrows pulling together. 

“I already apologized for..interrupting. I forgot to knock. It won’t happen again, sir. I thought I had figured something out and got ahead of myself.” You explained calmly. 

“That’s not what I’m talking about.” He said, rubbing his beard as he leaned against the doorframe. 

“What you do in your room with your wife is none of my business. Would you like soup and a sandwich for lunch, or fried rice and sesame chicken?” You asked, changing the subject. 

“She was just giving me a massage,” He started again. 

“Okay.” One eyebrows rose as you replied, but there was no anger or accusation in your tone. 

“ _ Okay? _ ” He responded, looking exasperated with your reaction to the whole thing. 

“Maybe you should have the fried rice today, I have the chicken marinating. I’d hate to waste it.” You said, sliding past him and walking back to his room. 

There was no reason to sit down and talk about it, that was the last thing you wanted to do. You busied yourself with cooking, the food not taking long. 

“Will your wife be joining you for lunch, sir?” You asked, only asking to see if you would need to make one portion or two.

“No.” Negan told you, irritation in his voice. He watched over your shoulder as you cracked an egg into your rice pan, scrambling it on the side before mixing it into the rest of the rice. 

“Where’d you learn to make this?” He asked. 

“It’s been so long, I don’t remember.” you said. He didn’t reply.

You finished cooking, and set the food on the table before heading towards the door. 

“Where are you going?” Negan asked, irritation back in his voice. 

“Back to my room, I’ll be back to clean up when you’re done, sir.” You replied. 

“Why aren’t you eating?” he asked, voice lower. 

“I still have granola bars, I’ll eat one of those.” you explained. 

“Okay,  _ that’s it _ . Stop the passive aggressive  _ bullshit _ . You’re as bad as Lucille was.” Negan accused, clearly surprising himself with the comparison.

“I’m not being passive aggressive, there’s nothing to be passive aggressive  _ about,”  _ you responded, pausing calmly only feet from the door. You didn’t mean to be passive aggressive, you just wanted to take a step back from him altogether.

“You’re  _ upset  _ so now you’re trying to  _ punish me for it _ .” Negan guessed, inflection in his voice getting more dramatic. 

“Is this about walking in on you and your  _ wife _ ?” You asked, clearly already knowing the answer.  _ Now  _ you were being passive aggressive.

“Could you stop  _ calling _ her that?” Negan spat. 

“Is that not what she  _ is _ ? There’s no reason for me to be upset. I knew about your harem, and really, for all intents and purposes, I was the ‘other woman’ here. I’ll admit, I forgot my place for a minute and had gotten too comfortable, but I remember it now. I’m here to pay back a debt so that I can go back home. I’m keeping things professional from here on out.” You explained. You wondered for a moment whether you should even bring up Laura and DJ, the thought that had brought you there in the first place. 

You could see anger boiling in Negan’s eyes as he formulated a response, but you ignored it. “Have you heard from Laura and DJ?” you asked calmly. 

He walked towards you and you couldn’t help but retreat, backing yourself into the door with your hand on the knob. He stopped only inches away from you.

“Professional.” He repeated, nodding his head in mock acknowledgement before staring into your eyes. “Cut the bullshit, kid. Your  _ place _ is where I  _ say _ it is.” He emphasized, pressing his body against yours. 

A rush flooded your core, but you stood your ground, pushing him back. “My place is in Alexandria with my  _ people.” _

“Your place is  _ here” _ He pushed against you again. “You’re  _ mine _ , sweetheart.”

You turned the door knob, but couldn’t pull the door open while you were leaned against it. 

“I’m not.” you said, squirming to get away from him. 

“Are you really  _ that _ upset about  _ Frankie _ ?” He asked in your ear.

“No,” You said honestly. “I just needed a wake up call, and this happened to be it. Now get off of me, I’m here on  _ business.”  _ You shoved him again “have you tried reaching out to Laura and DJ?” The question was delivered as a statement.

“No.  _ Why _ ?” He sighed with irritation and confusion, but took a step back giving you some space. 

“Because you sent them out on a run before everything went to shit here. They were far enough away and in the opposite direction of the communities and your outposts. No one would think to set up scouts that far out. They’d probably be back in the area around now. If you were able to communicate with them, you’d have people on the outside who may be able to help clear the herd. Do they have a walkie?” You slipped out from in front of the door and turned the knob to open it. He pushed the door closed just as it began to crack open, but his aggression was gone. 

“Yeah..they do. But what do you think two people could do?” Negan posed, but you could tell he was already thinking. 

“That might be a better question for Eugene than me. But in theory, if we came up with a plan, they could take out the herd or lead them away without drawing the communities’ attention, couldn’t they?” It wasn’t until then that you heard a crash too loud to have come from the inside. 

“ _ Shit. _ ” Negan growled as he grabbed Lucille and rushed into the hallway. 

You weren’t far behind him, rushing to the first floor. A van had crashed through the building with the outer wall crumbling around it, walkers flooding the open area. People were screaming as they were attacked. It was a gruesome sight, and a horrible way to die. People rushed up the stairs as fast as they could, running each other over in a panic to get away. You grabbed a man as he passed you with a crowbar in his hand. 

“Give me the crowbar.” You demanded. 

“Are you fucking crazy?” He spat back. 

“ _ You’re _ safe.  _ They’re _ not. Leave it for someone who will fight.” You reasoned, waiting for him to glance down at the screaming crowd before snatching the weapon from his hand. 

You rushed down to the bottom of the stairs, ignoring Negan’s protests behind you. You took out the walkers that blocked the staircase and shifted corpses to one side to clear a way to safety. It wasn’t long before Negan joined you, taking the other side of the wide main stairs. 

“Get upstairs!” You called to anyone who could hear you as you worked your way further onto the floor. People continued to flood past you, but as more people and walkers fell to the ground, it was impossible to keep the path clear.

“Fall back, there’s nothing more you can do.” Negan called. 

“There are still people down here.” You responded, not ready to give up. 

“Fuck, you’re  _ KILLING ME _ smalls” He paused, moving closer to you. “Get up here NOW.” Negan ordered. It wasn’t until there were more walkers than you could take that you made your way back up the stairs while Negan covered you with his gun. 

“Take them out where they’re coming in, let them pile up to block any more from getting in here.” You called to Dwight and Regina who were within hearing distance. To your surprise, they nodded. 

While screaming from the floor below continued, it was slowly drowned out by the growls of the walkers. No more of the living were left standing by the time the entrance was blocked around the sides of the van. 

“We’re out of ammo,” Regina called. You ran upstairs to where people were congregating away from the danger. 

“HEY,” You called but no one could hear you. It wasn’t long before Negan, Dwight, and Regina were standing behind you. Negan swung Lucille into a metal railing, the loud vibrating crash catching people’s attention.

“ANYONE WITH ANYTHING THAT CAN BE USED AS A WEAPON, COME WITH ME” You called into the crowd “OR GIVE THEM TO SOMEONE WHO WILL.”

You turned around without looking to see who would follow. You heard a faint “YOU HEARD HER” come from Negan as you started descending the stairs taking walkers out one at a time with the blockade of corpses at your feet creating a barrier between you and the dead. You looked up a minute later as people started doing the same from other staircases, working in small groups to slowly spread out and clear the floor. 

There were some survivors found who managed to hide away from the walkers, many without any weapons to protect them. They were shaken as people led them up to safety. When the undead were cleared, the recently deceased were stabbed to prevent reanimation. Dr. Carson was brought down to help those who were wounded, triaging as he tried to save those who could be saved. Without anyone  _ trained _ to assist him, you did what you could, separating people into groups by the severity of their injuries while Carson handled the most serious cases. Most of the people who were bitten were swarmed and killed by the walkers, but a few people with bites managed to get away. One woman was bitten on the calf, another man just above his elbow, and a third on his side. Carson called you over to him, and you felt nauseous with dread of what was coming. He needed someone to hand him tools and sterilize his instruments between amputations, not having a second to spare. He called over Negan and the men he was with to hold his patients down. 

Your hands shook as you reached for your belt, taking it off and handing it to Dr. Carson. 

“To bite.” Was all you could get out, your voice shaking with adrenaline and fear. 

You clenched your jaw to the point of pain as you handed the doctor his bone saw. You sat quietly trying to drown out the screams of the amputee echoing in your mind. Silent tears fell down your face as you tried to keep yourself together, handing the doctor instruments as he asked for them through the blurs in your vision. 

“Can you handle this? If not, find someone else quickly” Carson asked as he stood to move to the next patient. 

“I’m good. Get it done.” You responded, taking a deep breath and pushing down everything you felt to maintain a forced calm. When seconds counted, you couldn’t live with yourself if your weakness caused a lethal delay. Focus now, take time to empathize later. 

The second amputation was worse than the first, the man losing his entire arm. Your heart and lungs burned in your chest as you tried to hold everything in, but you concentrated on what was being asked of you. 

After both amputations were done, Dr. Carson moved on to less serious patients, leaving the man with the bite in his side. You knew there was nothing he could do, but watching the doctor walk away still left you stunned.. 

To your surprise, Negan walked over to the man. He made small talk with him before picking up a handgun from the ground and checking it for ammo. You went to stop Negan, seeing what he was about to do, but you stopped when you saw the man nod.  _ A mercy killing. _ You turned away before hearing the shot. When you turned back around, seeing the bullet hole and blood spatter between the man’s dead eyes, your head spun and your legs gave out beneath you. Your breath was shaky, you were almost hyperventilating, and tears stung in your eyes. You got back to your feet and shook it off, heading back to Dr. Carson to see what he needed. 

Negan stopped you with a hand on your arm.

“No more.” Negan said. “You’ve done enough.” 

“I’m good.” You told him, “There is still more to do.”

“There are other people to do it. Upstairs, lieutenant. That’s an order.” He said, dropping his hand from your arm. 

You looked over to the group of people waiting for medical attention. You were still tempted to keep going, but as the adrenaline and sense of emergency started fading, the gravity of everything that happened started to catch up with you. You walked upstairs, barely noticing Negan following close behind you. You made it inside your door before tears started leaking from your eyes. You tried taking deep breaths, but the burning panic in your chest made you feel like you were suffocating. You heard the door open and close, but turned away to hide your face. 

“I’m fine” you said trying to slow your breath.

Negan said nothing as he came up behind you, squeezing your shoulder in an attempt to comfort you. 

The touch sent you over the edge and you turned to him, burying your face in his chest as you started sobbing. You couldn’t stop your mind from paying back the images of people being torn apart, of the screams of the amputees. Negan was the only thing that kept you from sinking to the ground. 

After a few minutes, you started to calm down. Your hands still shook, but your tears stopped, and you were slowly able to breathe again. You stepped away from Negan, clearing your throat as you composed yourself.

“Why don’t you shower in my room, change out of those clothes. You’ll feel better, kid.” Negan offered. 

You grabbed a nightgown out of your drawer and followed him to his room without protest. You showered quickly and sat on his couch as you brushed through your hair. He showered directly after you, coming out in sweats and a fresh shirt. 

“Thank you for letting me use your shower, I appreciate it. It feels good to wash it all off.” You said, standing up to leave. 

“You were impressive earlier,” Negan started. “You thought fast, you took charge, you jumped right into things. I wouldn’t have pegged you as the ‘ _ cool under pressure _ ’ type,  _ no offense _ .” He joked to lighten the mood. 

“It wasn’t like that,” you started, uncomfortable with his praise. “I just reacted. Everyone did.” 

“Yesterday you were just some kid from Alexandria to people around here. Today my lieutenants are following your orders. Dozens of people are  _ alive _ because of you. Then you stepped in for the hard stuff afterwards with the doc.” Negan said seriously. “Everyone noticed it. It wasn’t just me.”

“Dozens of people  _ died _ . I keep playing it back in my head, what I could have done differently, who I could have helped. And if it weren’t for you covering me, I’d be dead too. I should have done better. Maybe fewer people would have died today. Maybe those people wouldn’t have needed amputations. Maybe you wouldn’t have had to...” You trailed off. 

“That’s how it feels any time you’re in charge, kid. You think I don’t feel the same way you do, wondering what I could have done differently? That kind of thinking will eat away at you. Accept the fact that you did everything you could and move on.” He advised. You could see he was speaking from experience. 

“It was kind of you to save that man from a long, drawn out death. From coming back as one of them” You tried assuring him, thinking that may be what’s eating at him. 

“It was my responsibility.” He paused, looking away from you. “Me and a couple of my men found him and his wife hiding away in a gas station. He was a plumber. Helped set up a lot of what we have here today. He was a good guy, and I let him down.” Negan admitted, face hard. 

“You can’t tell me I did all I could and not believe the same thing yourself.” You spoke frankly. “He didn’t blame you, he was grateful for what you did for him today. Accept the fact that it wasn’t your fault.” You walked over to the door. 

“You could stay, if you want.” Negan said as you were leaving. “No  _ freaky deeky _ , just company, or whatever.” You weren’t sure if he was offering for your sake or his own, but you were grateful nonetheless. The use of your ‘whatever’ interjection almost made you smile.

You crawled into his bed and dozed off, but every time you closed your eyes, the dreams just got worse. The day replayed over and over in your nightmares, but you were so exhausted that you couldn’t help but fall back to sleep. 

At one point, you woke up to Negan twitching in his sleep, clearly having a bad dream too. You shook him gently and he jolted awake, making you jump. 

“It was a nightmare,” You said, smoothing his sweat-drenched hair. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

“Thanks, kid.” He said as you broke the contact and moved back to the spot where you had been sleeping, facing away from him to give him privacy.


	16. Chapter 16

The next morning couldn’t come fast enough. You were both still exhausted, but glad for the excuse to get out of bed and start a new day. 

When you got out of bed to go back to your own room, Negan caught you when you were only halfway to his bedroom door. 

“Sneaking out on me again?” He smiled.

“Yeah,” You responded, not sure what else to say. “I’m going to take a walk. Maybe help with the clean up downstairs.”

“Take this then,” Negan started, reaching into his night stand and pulling out a sheathed knife. 

“You keep that shit just  _ lying  _ around your bedroom? I could have killed you in your sleep a hundred times by now.” You scoffed, but took the knife. 

“Dying in my sleep with  _ you _ in my bed? I could think of worse ways to go” Negan drawled, and you rolled your eyes.

“You’re dumb.” you retorted.

“You still pissed about yesterday?” Negan asked nonchalantly. 

“What? About you and Frankie? I wasn’t mad to begin with. You didn’t owe me anything.” You replied calmly. 

“Then come back to bed,” Negan proposed.

“Not gonna happen.” 

“Just accept that you’re  _ pissed off _ so we can  _ move on _ .” He rolled his eyes.

“Dude, I already told you I’m  _ not.  _ I just realized I should be focusing on getting home, not playing the whore here with  _ you.  _ I’m here to pay off a debt. That’s it. _ ”  _ You said, irritation rising.

“You’ve been able to juggle  _ both _ so far, why stop  _ now _ ?” He teased. You were the one to say it, but him agreeing that you’d been whoring yourself out to him was somehow offensive.

“Because I realized there’s nothing here for me.” You snapped. The teasing humor didn’t leave his face, but you could see his jaw clench behind his easy smile. 

When he didn’t say anything else, you took your leave. You were one of the first people downstairs, starting the clean up on your own. Moving corpses was your first priority, using a wheelbarrow to transport them and help put them in piles. You looted what you could from the walkers, but didn’t touch the corpses of those from the Sanctuary. Even though resources were limited and nothing should go to waste, it felt disrespectful (even if you didn’t know the people). You cut the buttons off of the dead walkers shirts, collecting them in a pile. 

You had been collecting buttons from the dead almost since the beginning, buckets of them sitting in your house in Alexandria. It all started with losing a button from a shirt and not having a replacement and turned into what Liam referred to as your ‘ritual’. It was a common thing for you to stop to collect them where you could. When people started filtering in to join the growing clean up crew, you were surprised they came to you looking for jobs. With others looting and piling up the corpses, things went by quickly. Once the bodies were cleared and the floors were scrubbed, the only thing left was to burn the bodies of those who belonged to the Sanctuary. Leaving them lying around or piled up felt cruel and insensitive. While it wasn’t much better to see corpses of loved ones tossed into the furnace, it was better than watching them rot. You got up on Negan’s platform to make a statement to the crowd below. 

“Everyone, thank you for all of your help in cleaning things up here. I think it would be best if we give the families of the deceased a few minutes alone with their loved ones. We’ll burn the bodies privately and call everyone back to set up the commissary after it’s done.” You watched as people started to clear. Lieutenants were sprinkled throughout the room and started guiding people towards the stairs. 

“We’re just going to let this  _ kid _ tell us what to do?” One man started. “Who put her in charge? These Alexandrians are coming in here thinking they run shit. Her people are the reason ours are dead. I’m not going anywhere”

“None of this is about me or where I’m from. People have lost loved ones. Show some respect. If you have an issue with something, take it up with a lieutenant, but don’t make an ass of yourself. Not right now.” You responded calmly. “Make your way upstairs and I’d be happy to hear you out myself.”

“What, you afraid someone will hear what I have to say? Or are you hoping Negan will come to your rescue? I’m staying right here.” He pushed. 

“There’s a time and a place for this, and here and now aren’t it. Leave.” You ordered, rage boiling up in you. Your hand went to the knife tucked into your belt, feeling it’s weight. The man leaned against a wooden pillar, making it obvious that he wasn’t going anywhere. People slowed, watching to see how this would play out.

Without any true thought, you grabbed the knife by its blade and sent it flying in the man’s direction sticking firmly into the wood just inches above his head. 

“That’s your final warning.” You said as calmly as you could manage. The man scoffed and began climbing the stairs. That was fortunate considering you were bluffing.

It wasn’t until then that you saw Negan step out from a hidden corner of the floor. 

“Whew! Did you  _ see _ that shit? I would _ not _ fuck with  _ her _ .” Negan called, loud enough for everyone to hear. 

Everyone stopped in their tracks, dropping to one knee wherever they stood. You didn’t know whether to kneel or stand, looking to the other lieutenants only to see they were all on one knee. You started to make the move to kneel, still hesitating when Negan called “at ease”. Everyone rose, clearing out the first floor and you walked down from your perch to stand with the other lieutenants. Negan walked up to you, leaning to your ear.

“Now  _ that _ ,” He paused, nodding to the knife, “was  _ cool as shit. _ I’m surprised Justin didn’t piss himself” He smiled. 

You didn’t know how to respond to his comment, still worked up over ‘Justin’s’ behavior and embarrassed by your reaction to it. You just nodded in response before making your way to the gathering group of grieving families. 

“I’m truly sorry for your losses. I’m going to go now, I know I have no place being here and you deserve privacy.” You sa id before heading up the stairs. You thought about offering counseling services, but stopped yourself thinking that would be too much seeing as you came from the group that caused this. 

When you looked over the railing on the way out, you saw Negan address each family individually before he and the rest of the lieutenants stood back, giving the families their chance to say goodbye.

When everything was done, people were called back to set up the commissary setting up new tables and booths to replace the ones that were destroyed. You jumped in, doing what you could, but you were distracted by the pointing fingers and whispers. You had been an outsider since your arrival, but after your standoff earlier, you had never felt more like the main attraction at a circus than you did now. A woman and her young daughter walked up to you with a loaf of bread in her arms, pulling you out of your thoughts. 

“You helped me up the stairs yesterday, I just wanted to say thank you.” She said, extending the loaf to you. 

“Oh goodness, ma’am that is so kind but I can’t take this from you, especially with food being as short as it is right now. Keep that for your family.” You said, gently pushing the loaf away. The woman looked taken aback, not knowing how to respond. 

“I made this for you” The little girl broke the awkwardness, holding up a bracelet made of braided strips of fabric. She couldn’t have been more than seven. You took the bracelet without missing a beat, asking the girl for help to tie it around your wrist. You were touched by both of their kindness, not feeling you deserved either of their gifts. 

“Thank you, this is beautiful, I’ll wear it everyday.” You said, smiling as you got down on her level. 

To your surprise, the girl hugged you tightly. You hugged her back, looking to her mother to make sure it was okay. When the girl let go, you stood back up only to be surprised again with a hug from the girl’s mother. 

“Thank you.” She said, reaching for her daughter’s hand as she pulled away. “Come on Remi.” she called as the pair walked off.

The interaction was so different from the angry opposition you faced earlier, your head spun. You couldn’t help but stop to admire your new bracelet every now and then, smiling down at your wrist as you worked. People were still talking and pointing, maybe even more now than before, but you were no longer bothered by it. 

It wasn’t until you crossed the room to grab something that you noticed your knife was still stuck in the pillar. You set your things down and walked over to get it, more than a little anxious that you’d embarrass yourself if it was wedged in too far to pull out in one try. The knife looked higher the closer you got to the pillar.  _ Why did he have to be so tall? _ You asked yourself as you reached up on your tiptoes to grab the handle. You felt someone brush behind you and grab the knife before you had the chance to. You whipped around to face them as soon as you felt them behind you, jumping at the touch. You looked up to find the man you threw the knife towards, piercing eyes looking down to meet your own. 

“You,” you managed, startled. Your muscles tensed, ready for a fight, but your face blushed in embarrassment. 

“I don’t know why Negan calls you a kid, you look old enough up close. Maybe he’s just trying to keep the rest of us away from you. More for him.” He remarked, one eyebrow raised almost flirtatiously.

“That’s rude.” You replied evenly, taking no actual offense. The man did have you backed against a pillar with a knife. Looking your age was the least of your problems.

“It’s not meant to be.” He responded. “Here.” The man held the knife to you, half peace offering, half threat. “I was a dick.”

“Uh, thank you,” You started, surprised. “Sorry I threw a knife at you.” 

“A word of advice: what you did would’ve been a lot more badass if you didn’t just apologize for it” He said, whispering into your ear before walking away. You couldn’t help but blush at his closeness, if not his words. 

You saw Negan come out of nowhere, scowling in Justin’s direction before making his way over to you. 

“What the  _ fuck _ was that about?” Negan asked, clearly irritated. 

“He just helped me get my knife back,” You started, not knowing what else to say.

“He got awfully close to  _ do it.” _ He pointed out. 

“Are you  _ jealous _ , sir?” You asked, teasing him. 

“Why would I be? At the end of the day you’ll be in my bed, not his.” Negan smiled darkly. 

“At the end of the day, I’ll be in my  _ own _ bed.” You corrected him. He gave you a look that said ‘ _ we’ll see about that’ _ .

“Lieutenants, meeting upstairs,” Negan called to the crowd behind you. “Come on, kid.”

The meeting was brief, just long enough to explain that Eugene would be making bullets to clear the rest of the herd (what didn’t make it inside yesterday) by this evening. Supplies could be brought in and outposts could be checked on. The news was generally good. Negan asked Dwight to stay after the meeting, which would have terrified you if Negan hadn’t already told you he wouldn’t kill Dwight for leaking information to Alexandria. 

With Negan distracted, you rushed to your room and grabbed anything of value that you had. The rest of your granola bars and snacks, your dresses, your shower supplies, everything that had come in your ‘welcome basket’. With the herd being cleared and the Sanctuary about to start planning their revenge on Alexandria, now was your time to go. It was the perfect opportunity to get out before you knew too much for him to let you leave. You brought your things down to the commissary and sold them so cheaply, no one could refuse. Once you had enough points to clear your debt, you gave your remaining food away to those who you knew were in need. You bagged the little pile of buttons you had collected the day before and gave them to little Remi, telling her they were for arts and crafts. Everything had been wrapped up here. The only thing left to do was talk to Negan.

You knew the conversation wouldn’t be an easy one, that he wouldn’t be happy. He had probably expected at least a few more weeks, and it wouldn’t surprise you if he would have found a way to have kept you longer once the real war started. You knocked on his door shyly, wearing the clothes you came to the Sanctuary in. 

“Come in,” Negan called. 

“Hey,” You said lamely, hesitating in the doorway before making your way to sit next to him on the couch. 

“You surprised me again today.” He smiled.

“What, with Justin? I know that could have been handled better, I shouldn’t have thrown that knife. It was reckless and dangerous, I could have missed-” You started.

“But you didn’t, and it was  _ badass _ as  _ shit. _ You could have heard a pin drop down there.  _ That  _ commanded  _ respect _ . Even Justin had to acknowledge it. But I meant you stepping up again, taking the initiative to call the shots with the dead. But almost skewering Justin was a surprise too. I think you have a bit of a  _ dark side _ , sweetheart.” He smiled mischievously. 

“I feel like Persephone. Maybe I’ve spent too much time here in the  _ underworld _ .” You joked.

“Persephone?” Negan asked. 

“She was the goddess of spring in Greek mythology. When you think of spring you think of peace, and gentleness, and new life. But she was also the queen of the underworld. People called her the ‘Dread Persephone’ because of how brutal she could be.” You explained, feeling stupid. 

“If the Sanctuary is the underworld, does that make me Hades?” He paused. “Do you think he really kidnapped her against her will and tricked her into eating those pomegranate seeds, or was that just her excuse to stay there with him?” You hadn’t expected him to be so familiar with the myth.

“He may have kidnapped her,” You paused, looking him in the eyes, “but I think she fell for him somewhere along the way. I think she knew what she was doing when she chose to eat the seeds. Then again, that doesn’t change the fact that he knew what he was doing when he offered them to her too.” You chided. 

“So you think the story could be true on both sides.” He stated, acting as if he was trying to understand. “Does that still make Hades the bad guy?”

“I think Hades gets a bad rap. I think as king of the underworld, he’s got a reputation to uphold, but I think he has layers. I don’t think he would’ve insulted Peresphone’s intelligence by assuming he’d pulled one over on her or manipulated her. He gave her the choice. I think he was just hopeful that she’d choose to be with him

“But even though she chose him, she still leaves him for half the year..” Negan recited warily.

“She was torn between two worlds. She loved Hades, but she loved her family too, and had duties outside of her relationship with him...” You responded carefully, tense as you realized he knew where this was going. 

“I know you sold your things downstairs. Simon reported it to me the first chance he got.” Negan said, unamused. “Is your debt cleared then?

“It is, sir.” You responded, a little sad.  _ Of course, Simon tattled on you. _

“And you’re telling me you want to go back?” He asked.

“Things are about to get bad. I need to be with my family when that happens, and if I stay any longer, I’ll know too much about your plans to leave.”

“Do you hate it so much here that you’d rather go home to risk getting caught in the crossfire that’s about to go down than stay here with me? Did you  _ mean _ it when you said there’s nothing here for you?” He asked indignantly. 

“I don’t hate it here at all, and it’s not about you. If it weren’t for everything going on, I wouldn’t be so eager to leave. But I know my place, and it’s with my brother and my friends. But Negan, there are other ways, maybe ways we haven’t even thought of yet, where there wouldn’t  _ be _ any crossfire to get caught in. I would appreciate you not attacking us, but I know you’ll do what you want.” You explained, never looking away from his eyes. 

“Just stay until after the fighting’s done. I’ll send you wherever you want after that.” Negan insisted. 

“My debt is paid. It’s time for me to go.” You said softly, holding his hand in yours. You saw the look of someone accepting defeat cross Negan’s face.

“Persephone always comes back at the end of the summer. Will _ you? _ Once this is over?” He asked, trying to sound nonchalant. 

“As long as the...climate...allows it, I’ll visit.” You smiled a little. 

“How do I know you’re not lying?” He teased. 

“Hold on to this for me. You know I’ll be back for it.” You said, slipping off the silver ring you wore, and sliding it onto his pinky finger. You instantly felt naked without it, having kept it on for years. “The inscription is in old french, it means ‘think of me, God willing’. I think that’s a little fitting here”.

He looked down at his hand in surprise but accepted the little ring. He started to lean into you but stopped just far enough away to make you want to close the gap yourself. 

“Am I allowed to do this, or are we still keeping things  _ professional _ ?” He teased. 

You shoved him playfully before kissing him gently. It’s difficult to say who deepened the kiss, but before either of you knew it, you were on his lap. One hand played with his hair while the other stroked his cheek. You felt something hot and wet stream down your face and pulled away. Negan had caused a whirlwind of emotions in you from the moment you met him but you couldn’t bring yourself to distance yourself from him now, and the thought that you may not see him again broke your heart.

“None of that, sweetheart.” Negan muttered as he wiped the tear from your face. He kissed you again, lifting you with him as he stood. He multitasked as he transported you both to his bed, and you felt like you were floating in his arms. 

He sat you down gently on the edge of the mattress, kneeling between your legs. You didn’t hide your confusion; you wondered why he didn’t join you on the bed, but you held his face in your hands and bent down to kiss him. He unbuttoned and peeled off your tight jeans, kissing down your thighs as he did. His stubble tickled your legs, and you resisted the urge to squeeze them together in response. He made his way up again, pulling your shirt over your head. You didn’t wear a bra on the day you came here, and you weren’t wearing one now. He smiled at your omission, holding your breasts in his hands and running his thumbs over each nipple, hardening them. He kissed each thoroughly, sucking and nibbling gently before trailing kisses down your stomach. You tensed as he slid your panties down.

“What?” He asked, hands on your thighs.

“I don’t, I...come up here,” You suggested, fumbling. 

“I have business _ here _ first, sweetheart.” He smiled, separating your thighs further. 

“Ah, or, you could skip that,” You started. 

You had always been weird about receiving oral. You didn’t like the feeling, everything was too...wet. It made you feel exposed and vulnerable, and maybe even a little selfish. You didn’t like the idea of being pleasured without your lover getting anything out of it. You had always known that this mindset was warped and that you shouldn’t feel this way given how much you enjoyed being on the giving end, but you couldn’t help it. You were wrapped in insecurities.

“I’m weird about it, it won’t do anything for either of us, just come up here and be with me, sir.” You blushed. 

“I might never get another chance, and you’re  _ not going to let me _ taste this  _ pussy _ ?” Negan drawled. You felt your face grow hot and looked away, his crassness had caught you off guard. “I don’t know what  _ teenage boy _ ruined things for you in the past, but it’s  _ bold _ of you to assume  _ I _ can’t do anything for you.” 

“That wasn’t a challenge, sir. Not that I don’t appreciate your  _ generous offer _ ,” You drawled back, smiling.

“Give me twenty seconds.” Negan said seriously.

“What?” You asked, confused.

“If you’re not into it after twenty seconds, I’ll drop it.” He challenged.

“Why are you so into this?” You asked, nearly laughing at his proposal. “Fine, deal. If you want to show off that badly, I won’t stop you. Twenty seconds.” You allowed him, spreading your thighs.

Negan went to work right away, nearly making you jump. He started with a wide lick from the bottom of your entrance all the way up your slit, stopping at the tip of your clit.  _ Twenty, Nineteen, Eighteen _ . You started counting backward in your head, preparing yourself for the too-wet feeling you dreaded, but it didn’t come. Negan kissed and nibbled at each of your lips before lapping up the juices at your entrance all while circling your clit with his thumb, making you gasp.  _ Seventeen, Sixteen _ . You tried to focus on the countdown but your mind was turning to mush, the numbers coming more slowly. He slid one finger inside of you moving it in and out, switching positions with his mouth as his tongue circled your clit.  _ Fifteen. _ You thought to yourself, still not willing to give in to him. 

Suddenly, instead of lazy circles, his tongue started moving faster in rhythm with his finger. 

“ _ Ah _ ,” You half gasped, half moaned, surprised by the increase in his intensity. Pressure started building inside of you as you rested one hand on his head, playing with his hair. Sensation aside, even just looking down at him kneeling in front of you completely focused on your pleasure was enough to blow your mind. Just as you started giving in to the feeling, he pulled his mouth away. 

“That was more than twenty seconds, should I  _ stop _ ?” He asked darkly, already knowing the answer. 

“ _ Fuck _ ,  _ please _ don’t stop” You begged.

He smiled in victory as he slid a second finger in and moved back to your center, this time sealing his mouth around you and sucking gently as his tongue moved up and down your clit. You had never felt anything like it, and surrendered to it immediately. 

“Negan, I’m going to-” You warned shyly. 

He moaned against you in response, sending you over the edge. 

You were shocked, enamored, in awe of the man kneeling in front of you.  _ No, he was nothing like the boys from high school. _ You bent down and kissed him deeply, tasting yourself on his lips. 

“I  _ told you so _ ” He couldn’t help pointing out, boyish smile gleaming. 

“You did,” You responded, kissing him again. “Now come here, sir. It’s my turn”

He stood up in front of you, and you stood with him. You stripped him down slowly taking the time to take in the sight of him, committing every detail to memory. You loved his tan skin, his lean muscle, his tattoos. You loved his salt and pepper beard, and his hazel eyes. Just like his personality, everything about him  _ physically _ drew you in too. 

“You’re the most handsome man I’ve ever seen in my life” You said, looking up at him. 

“You saying you just like me for my  _ body _ ?” He asked jokingly, feigning insult.

“If that was the case, I wouldn’t have been so conflicted about our..involvement. Unfortunately, your looks are just a bonus.” You said, running your fingers through his hair. 

“Unfortunately.” He echoed.

You laid on the bed, waiting for him to join you. The moment his head hit the pillow, you climbed between his legs leaning over him to kiss his lips. You kissed down his neck and across his collarbone, wanting to appreciate every detail of him. You kissed his tattoos and the sensitive skin of the insides of his elbows. You ran your fingers down his body as you moved to kiss his chest and stomach. You watched him try not to jerk as your hair moved down his body with you, tickling him, and you couldn’t help but smile to yourself. You kissed each hip bone, and just above each knee, working your way up to his sex. 

You held him in your hand as you licked him from root to tip, keeping his eye contact as you did. He let out a little moan in response. You kissed his head then up each side, savoring the smooth, hard heat of him. You teased him by taking just his tip into your mouth, running your tongue around the edge before letting go of his shaft and lifting his heavy sack into your hand to kiss it too. You could see the patient anticipation on his face, feeling his muscles tense beneath you as his fingers curled into the sheets.

“I can’t tell you how much I fucking love this cock, sir,” You purred, gripping him firmly in your hand. You licked the creases where his legs met his sex before speaking again. “How much I love all of you.” You finished as you ran your free hand down his side to rest on his hip.

You knew you were confessing a little too much, but in the context of sex, he may not consider how much ‘all of him’ encompassed. 

“Y-” Negan started but was cut off when you finally plunged him into your mouth. You closed your eyes and let yourself go, moaning with the pleasure of the act. It wasn’t long before he stopped you. 

“ _ Easy _ love. A man my age can’t go round after round, and the  _ sight _ of you worshipping my cock like that  _ alone _ is enough to send me over the edge. Come here baby, I want to fuck your brains out.” Negan finished softly, danger in his eyes. 

The tender tone mixed with his crass words made you smile. You pressed his sex to your lips giving him one last lingering kiss before moving to straddle his hips. 

“A man your age?” you teased, leaning down to kiss his neck. 

You rose up and guided him to your entrance, still slick from your orgasm. You moaned as he entered you, still taken aback by how  _ good _ it felt each time.

You pinned his hands with your own, intertwining your fingers with his as you began grinding against him.  _ How can I walk away from this man? _ You thought to yourself, second guessing your decision to leave if only to stay by his side. Looking into his eyes, you felt that this was where you belonged; with him, just like this. But you knew that this was a fantasy, that outside of this room there was a war going on between the man beneath you and everyone else you loved. You knew that your attachment was probably much deeper than his, and that he’d have another girl right where you are to warm his bed the second you were gone if not before.

“You’re in your head. Stop thinking, baby. I want you right here with me,” Negan ordered, and you were instantly snapped back to the moment. He slipped his hands out of yours and rolled himself on top without ever leaving your core. 

He leaned down over you and kissed you gently, with more tenderness than you’ve ever known from him. His thrusts were slow and deep, and he let his chest rest on your own as he supported himself on his elbows. He wasn’t fucking you, he was making love. You moaned at the sensation of being under him along with the overwhelming feeling of being  _ his _ . 

“Who are you?” He asked, as if reading your mind.

“I’m  _ yours _ , Negan. I’ll  _ always _ be yours,” You half moaned in response. As shaky as things had been with him, you knew you wouldn’t have it any other way.

He started thrusting faster, harder, slowly building up to his climax. His head dropped to your shoulder, and he began biting and sucking there, leaving his mark somewhere you could just barely hide it.  _ A parting gift _ , you thought, moaning in encouragement. 

His release came quickly, and you held him tightly as his pleasure pulsed through you. You loved watching him through his orgasm, feeling proud of being partly responsible for it. You smiled, stroking the back of his head as he caught his breath. 

“Than-” You started, but were cut off. 

“I fucking  _ swear _ , if you  _ thank _ me right now,” He interjected. You froze for a moment, then suddenly it became clear what feeling you were really trying to express when you thanked him after your rendezvous. 

“I think what I mean is that I..” You trailed off, wussing out.  _ This may be the last time you see him _ . You thought to yourself.  _ There’s not much harm it could do. _ “When I say that, what I mean to say is that I..love you..” 

It was Negan’s turn to freeze now, still on top of you--still inside you. He lifted his head to look you in the eyes and stroked your face before kissing you deeply. 

“Promise me that once this is over, it’s you and me.” Negan said seriously. “I don’t care who you bring with you, just promise me you’ll come back and that you’ll stay away from the fighting.” 

“I promise.” You replied, moved. 

“You and I can lead things together here. Clean things up a little. The whole sanctuary knows you came to the rescue when the herd got in, they saw you with the little girl today, and when you gave away your food to people who have been going hungry during all this. Plus that would stop all the buzz you caused by not kneeling earlier. They’ll be talking about that for weeks.” He smiled at that. 

“What buzz?” You asked, stuck on the details. 

“ _ Everybody _ kneels here, it’s the rules.  _ You _ didn’t, and  _ I _ didn’t discipline you for it. That’s a big deal around here,  _ kid _ . Some would call it a sign of _ rebellion _ , others are saying you might be my new second in command. Either way, you’ve gained traction around here.” Negan explained. 

“Oh gosh, is that why people were talking? By the time I looked to the lieutenants to see what they were doing it was already over. I’m not a leader, Negan. But I’ll sit on your council if you’re going to reassess some of your methods.” You negotiated. 

“Deal.” He kissed you. 

“On one condition,” you paused. “Next time I suggest something that you don’t like, no more going to someone else with the  _ intention _ of being found out to get back at me for it. What you do is your business, but keep it your business.” You insisted. You had put it together that calling one of his wives after you told him you’d be back in twenty minutes hadn’t been a coincidence.

“That may not have been one of my  _ finer _ moments.” Negan replied in good spirit. “I’m sending Frankie and Tanya off with Eugene to a new outpost, actually.”

You blinked fast, not knowing what to say.  _ Is he offering you monogamy? _ It felt good to clear the air about some of the things neither of you addressed before. 

“What will you do with Gabriel? Can he come back with me?” You asked, hopefully. 

“Carson says he won’t make the trip. But apparently your college campus was a gold mine, and our runners found some antibiotics. The priest stays here, but he’ll get the medicine he needs, and he’ll be treated well.” Negan promised. 

“Thank you, Negan. Truly.” You said kissing his cheek. You moved to get up, sitting up in the bed now as he rolled to his side. “I know things are about to get ugly. But if there’s a way to prevent it, any way to prevent more people from dying, I hope you’ll take it. Before you say anything, I’m going to tell Rick the same thing. I don’t think I can claim a side anymore” 

“People are a resource. I’ll do what I can, but you  _ know _ how these things go.” He said, urging you to be realistic. 

You stood up and started dressing. “I’d better get going if I’m going to get back before nightfall.”

“I have a car for you. There’s just enough gas left to get you back. Can you make it back on your own?” Negan asked. 

“Yeah, I’m good. Just draw me a map with the way over. I’d offer to burn it once I get there, but they know how to get to you.” You responded. 

He dressed too, and met you at his door. 

“It’s not too late to change your  _ mind _ ,” He said, only half joking.

“I can’t abandon my brother or my friends. I can’t stay, not right now.” You tried to smile as you walked down through the complex with Negan at your side. 

When you made it outside, the reality that you were really going home started to kick in. You were sad to leave Negan and even Dwight behind, but that feeling was overshadowed with the excitement you felt at the thought of seeing your brother again. You paused outside of the car Negan led you to, turning to face him. 

“I’d better see you again, sir.” You said, grabbing his hand and kissing each of his knuckles. 

“You can count on it, kid.” He responded, cupping your chin.

You gave him a tight hug and a long kiss before climbing into the car, hoping none of his men on lookout duty would notice your indiscretion. You drove away, eager to reach Alexandria’s gates. 


	17. Chapter 17

3 MONTHS LATER

It had been nearly three months since the final fight between the Sanctuary and the communities, but no one had truly recovered yet. Negan had fought dirty at the end, poisoning weapons and infecting people so they’d turn, burning Alexandria to the ground, killing almost all of the Kingdom, even  _ you _ couldn’t forgive him or make excuses for his cruelty. He had been losing control of the Sanctuary, and instead of stepping down or finding a way out, he was so desperate to hold on to his power that he was willing to sacrifice anyone and everyone on both sides to keep his throne. 

He had promised to try to find another way, said that people were a resource, and you were naive enough to believe him. You had taken everything he said to you as truth, thinking that the man he was when you were alone with him was the true Negan. You let yourself believe that his cruelty was a facade, let yourself think that he cared about you, about _anyone._ You saw now that you couldn’t have been more wrong. You hated what Negan had done, and while you didn’t wish him dead, you were glad that he was locked away. You convinced yourself that you hated him too, that you were a victim of his lies and manipulation, because it was easier than dealing with the guilt you felt when you thought of what he had been to you for those brief few weeks. You refused to visit him, to even walk by his window, and eventually even staying in Alexandria knowing he was there was too much for you. He was all anyone talked about-- whether he deserved to live, talk of the things he did, and other constant silent reminders of your indiscretions at the Sanctuary. You _slept_ with the man. You thought you _loved_ him. You hated yourself for it. 

Liam had been struggling with daily tasks after losing the lower part of his arm when Hilltop was attacked. Someone who had been infected had reanimated and bit him as the living fought to defend the colony from the dead. It hurt you to see him struggle, and part of you felt guilty for that too, if not for your actions at the Sanctuary, then for not being there to keep him safe. 

The people of Alexandria had treated you differently since your return, as if they weren’t sure whose side you were on. You kept what happened there to yourself, but gave them as many details of the Sanctuary and Negan’s men as you could after his attacks on the communities. 

You couldn’t take living in Alexandria anymore. You couldn’t face Hilltop either, not with Maggie there. You knew nothing about Oceanside. You wouldn’t go back to the Sanctuary, so that left the Kingdom. You had met King Ezekial after the war ended, and liked his over the top charisma and optimism. The only people that knew you there would be Morgan and Carol, neither of whom would ask questions. Carol was one of your favorite people, strong and independent with a good heart, but brutal when she needed to be. She was a role model of yours from the time you had met her, seeing right through her ‘den mother’ act when Rick’s group first arrived in Alexandria. You admired her strength and her ability to do what needed done all while coming off as someone non-threatening, and you had watched it work to her advantage time and time again. She was someone you aspired to be more like, especially now. You packed a bag with the intention of setting off for the Kingdom in the morning. 

“What is that for?” Liam asked calmly from your bedroom doorway. 

“I’m going to stay in the Kingdom for a while. Maybe permanently, I don’t know yet. I don’t expect you to come with me, I just need to get away from things here.” You explained. 

“You really think I’d let you go alone?” He asked.

“You have a life here, I can’t ask you to leave all that. You can always visit if you want.” You started. 

“Good thing you’re not asking me. I’m telling you I’m coming.” He insisted. 

You set off the next morning with permission from Rick. The Kingdom would be a long way on foot, but you didn’t want to waste gas for your trip. When you arrived, you were welcomed with open arms and set up in the community. You stayed there almost a year and a half. Things went well for a while, until the communities had a falling out with the Saviors.

When Carol took over the Sanctuary, you and Liam went with her to help where you could. You were surprised that there were people there who still remembered you from your brief stay there. Gossip of the ‘kid’ returning flooded the Sanctuary, causing plenty of curious gazes in your direction. You helped Carol however you could, showing her around and telling her about how things had been run before the war. The lieutenants that sat on the council now were much changed since your last visit. Gavin and Simon were dead, Eugene and Dwight were gone, and there were new faces you didn’t recognize in their places. You and Liam hesitated when Carol asked you both to join the council, but neither of you could deny her. Things were still in limbo at the Sanctuary, caught between the old ways and the new ones, and Carol wanted to put an end to that. 

You reconnected with the Saviors that you had recognized from before. Being back and having free reign of the Sanctuary, you had the chance to talk to people you had only seen in passing during your previous stay there. You were becoming invested in the Sanctuary, bonding with its people as time went on. Despite the council’s efforts, there was still tension between the Sanctuary and the other communities. The Sanctuary’s crops were failing, its people were fighting amongst themselves, and there were those who were still waiting for Negan’s return. 

The thought of moving the Sanctuary to a new location burned in your mind, but you had no way of knowing how the university you suggested before held up almost two years ago, much less if it was inhabitable now. One day, you finally proposed it in the morning council meeting. 

“Our crops are failing, the complex is falling apart, and resources in this area have been scavenged to the point that there is nearly nothing left to find. What if we took our people and moved to somewhere that could better support us? It could be like hitting a restart button, we could put new rules and new systems in place and weed out people that can’t get with the program.” you mentioned. 

“Move a few hundred people? Where?” one of the lieutenants challenged. 

“DJ, I know this was a while ago, but how did the university apartments look when Negan sent you on a run there during the war? He said you had found a ‘goldmine’, but was it inhabitable?” 

“Shit, yeah, I’d say so. The first floor on the new ones had been broken into, but the stairways were locked. We raided the campus police station and found the master key for the building, that’s how we got in. I still have it around here, I kept it in case we went back. People left a lot of stuff there, and I thought maybe we’d go back for some of the furniture and TVs if nothing else,” DJ said almost sheepishly. “But there’s no farmland in the city and we have no way of knowing whether things have changed there.”

“There’s a national park a couple miles from campus with a few cabins and buildings, we could set up an outpost there. There is plenty of cleared flat land for farming. They even have an old mill if we could get it running, assuming it isn’t occupied. And if it is there are other areas near campus that we could farm.”

“How would we get people there?” Someone else asked. 

“You can’t honestly be considering this,” Regina chimed in. 

“There was a bus station right by campus. There might still be busses there that we can use to transport people. Or if not, we could move a few dozen people at a time and fill up the tanks where the gas is less picked over. The communities aren’t going to support us forever, and we could use a change of scenery. Liam and I will scope it out, I know the area.” 

“It can’t hurt to look,” Carol said, and that was that. 

The campus was still abandoned, and while the idea to move was shot down by the majority of the council, it wasn’t long before the bridge incident ended the relationship between the Sanctuary and the other communities. Carol left the Sanctuary, but you and Liam stayed behind. With most of the council dead, you had your chance to propose moving to the sanctuary as a whole. You stood up on the balcony the same way Negan used to and addressed the crowd. 

“This place isn’t working for us anymore. My brother and I are starting a new Sanctuary on an abandoned university campus with headquarters in a fully furnished nearly brand new campus apartment building. It was vacated when the pandemic started, and most people only took what they needed home, thinking they’d be back in a few weeks. We all know that didn’t happen. You wouldn’t need to bring anything with you but your food and tools. The area still hasn’t been picked over like it has here, and we could start over in a place that doesn’t carry the memories of when  _ he _ was in charge, and of everyone we’ve lost. Negan had his good points and bad points, but he manipulated all of you, using fear to drive your respect for him and his rules. Fear of the iron. Fear of the bat. Fear of being starved in a dark cell. If you follow me, we leave all of that behind. Anyone who doesn’t follow the rules will be punished or exiled from the community and left to fend for themselves, but no one will have a hot iron pressed to their face. We won’t steal from any of the civilizations we stumble upon, setting up a trade system like the communities here have done instead. I have copies of the blueprints and instructions to get things started from Maggie’s book, and we have busses to transport people and their things. The first group will leave tomorrow morning.” You paused. “For those who want to stay or who aren’t on board with the plan, I won’t stop you. But there’s nothing left for the rest of you here.” 

“Why would anyone follow  _ you,  _ you’re a  _ kid _ yourself _ ”  _ One man called. It had been a long time since you heard that nickname. 

“I was the  _ kid _ who reached across the isle and stepped up the last time I was here. Negan made me a lieutenant then, and Carol appointed me her council this time around. I  _ want _ this place to succeed. I want to see everyone here thrive and for us all to have a safe, dependable place to raise our children together. Negan envisioned rebuilding civilization, but he was so focused on staying on top that he didn’t realize the bigger picture. I plan on building a more civilized society. We’ll defend ourselves, and there will be rules, and a council just like there were when he was here, but we’ll be the people we were before, not the people he made us into.” 

“You were the one who didn’t kneel,” One woman called. You had forgotten entirely about your social fumble and the effect Negan had told you it had. 

“I am. He saw me as his equal, even though our opinions of how things should be done differed.” That part was a lie _ , _ you knew _ ,  _ but when people turned to one another in the crowd, you knew it had the desired effect.

By the end of the moving process only a handful of people had chosen to stay behind, and among them were the kinds of people you knew you would be better without. Walls were built around the new Sanctuary and it’s outposts, and people thrived there. The workers had just as much freedom as those on the council, and while there were people who were exiled and punished over the year and a half you led there, the Sanctuary became the peaceful community you had envisioned. The Saviors continued to save people, bringing more people into the community and giving them sanctuary the way it was originally intended to be. 

Years went by in relative peace. The Sanctuary thrived, eventually taking in multiple smaller communities in the area and making trade agreements with others. Liam had gotten married and had two little girls of his own now with another child on the way, and you had remained the head of the council.

You never wanted to be in charge, and even when you initiated the Sanctuary’s move, you never intended to lead for so long. You had spent years trying to pass the torch, but there was no one there willing to take it until Dwight and Sherry found their way to the Sanctuary’s gates. They spent the past few years by your side as your seconds in command, and now knew everything they needed to in order to take over. You tried to back off, step down slowly and become a normal member of the community, but people had trouble accepting their new duel council-heads with you still there. 

“I’m going to visit Alexandria, see what they have going on. I’ll probably stay a while, maybe until the next harvest.” You explained to the council. “This transition will go a lot smoother if I’m not around, and it’s been a long time since I’ve heard from our old friends.”

“I’m coming with you,” Liam insisted. 

“Liam, your wife’s whole family is here. Your kids are here. Your wife is due in 2 months. The safest place for your little girls, for all of you, is behind these walls. I’ll be okay on my own.” You reminded him.


	18. Chapter 18

You didn’t recognize the person standing watch as you approached the Safe Zone’s gate. 

“Who are you?” the man asked. 

“I used to live here, uh, before the war. I left to take over the Sanctuary for Carol? Is Rick here? He knows me” You finished strongly. 

“Rick is dead, has been for years. But if you knew him, you must be OG. I’ll get Carol.” The man called down. 

_Oh_. Shock made you feel sick to your stomach. But soon Carol was standing at the top of the wall, and the gates opened. 

Walking through the gates of Alexandria after all this time felt like a fever dream. Things were vaguely familiar, but still so different since you had last seen them. Carol spent hours filling you in on the past 12 years, Alexandria's affiliation with a “Coalition”, and the fate of many of our friends. When you passed the basement stairs that led down to the jail, you couldn’t help but cut Carol off.

“Is _he_ here? Um, I mean, Negan?” You asked anxiously. There hadn’t been a day over the past 12 years that he hadn’t crossed your mind. At first, with anger, then with confusion as you tried to understand his motives, then eventually longing. You spent too long fighting with your conscience about how you felt about him, and regretted never talking to him again after the war ended even though he was so close. Now, it might be too late.

“Negan?” Carol asked innocently, but with a look that said she knew more than she let on. “He was banished for accidentally killing someone to protect Lydia after the war with the Whisperers.” 

She went on to explain that they were voting to execute him when she let him free with a mission to kill Alpha. She told you about how the communities weren’t sure what side he was on for a while, but that when he had the opportunity to become the new Alpha and wipe out the communities, he chose to come to their rescue instead. She didn’t come out and say it, but it almost seemed like she was giving her approval. _What does she know?_

“He used to mention you, you know. Back in the early days when he was in that cell. He struggled with being in there for the first few years. He’d talk to himself, see people who weren’t there…” Carol continued on, but you were too stuck on feeling bad for Negan experiencing psychosis to listen. “When we allowed him a library in his cell, he asked if we had any of your old books. He requested anything Shakespeare. At that point, if him talking to hallucinations didn’t give it away, asking for your Shakespeare books definitely did.” She paused.

“Even when he was initially banished, he asked if I knew where you were, but I didn’t think it would be a good idea to send Negan back to the Sanctuary, even if I really believed he had changed.” Carol explained. You were shocked.

“Don’t get me wrong, I still think that he’s an asshole, but I’ve had some experience with bad people in my time, before and after the virus. He isn’t one of them.” Carol responded thoughtfully. 

You had already made up your mind about Negan a long time ago, even if it was after years of going back and forth between thinking he really was the man you knew behind closed doors and feeling stupid for believing a word he said, but it was encouraging that someone as senscal and unbiased as Carol saw it too. 

“Do you know where he is?” You asked, embarrassed that you’re interest in the man was so obvious. Carol just smiled slyly. 

“He lives in an abandoned neighborhood outside of the Coalition where he buried his wife at the beginning. It’s called Springhaven. Lydia and I drop off supplies for him once a month. Never comes to the door, but he leaves the empty crate on the porch for us. Next supply drop off is next week, if your interested in tagging along.” Carol said innocently. 

“Uh, yeah, maybe.” was all you could manage. 

The week went by painfully slowly, and outside of Carol and Daryl, you felt like a stranger in your old home. There were more new faces than ones that you recognized, and even the houses were different after Alexandria was rebuilt from the ground up after the war. Many of your old friends were gone now, but you missed Gabriel the most. You visited their graves daily. 

Carol and Daryl had finally gotten together, and were kind enough to let you stay with them for as long as you liked. You appreciated their hospitality, but promised to find other arrangements after the end of the week to prevent cramping the couple’s style, whether that was within the Safe Zone or somewhere else. 

You asked to be let in to Negan’s old cell to look around. It was smaller than you imagined it; small, depressing, and boring. There was a bed, a tennis ball, and a small shelf of books. You glanced at the shelf, seeing a few of your old titles, and it made you happy that they may have given him some comfort during his time here. You grabbed one and sat on his bed. You were flipping through the pages of Othello when you laid back and recoiled at a hard lump in the pillowcase. You looked inside to find a book of Shakespearian sonnets. The pages were dogeared and annotated in the margins, some of the handwriting your own, and some that must have been his. You took the book with you when you left his cell. 

When the day finally came for the trip to Springhaven, you were more than ready. You brought the single bag you brought with you from the Sanctuary and rode with Lydia and Carol in nervous silence. 

“We’re leaving a horse and a map for whenever you want to come home.” Carol said before leaving Negan’s crate on the front porch and heading back to the Safe Zone. 

“Um..hello?” You knocked tentatively at the door, but no one answered. “Negan, are you there?” You heard someone move inside, but the door stayed closed. 

“I know you’re in there, Carol told me,” you paused, but you couldn’t hear anything. “The Sanctuary is doing well. Dwight and Sherry are running it now, funny enough. They found each other a few years back. He was your choice to take things over too, right?” You rambled. The door creaked open part way, and you saw a grey haired man with hazel eyes that you recognized in a second. 

“ _Negan,_ ” you breathed.

“I went looking for you,” He started, voice low. “I heard you took over the Sanctuary, and when I broke out, I went back there for you, you were gone.”

“We moved-” You started.

“You didn’t visit me once. I watched you walk by from that cell for months, looking away, pretending I wasn’t there.” Negan accused. “You didn’t even say goodbye.”

“You have to see things from my perspective, you said people were a resource, then poisoned weapons, killed people, and burned down my home; my brother lost his arm. You can’t tell me that screams ‘good guy’” 

“Things had gotten out of control. We both know I made mistakes, I’ll have to live with the things I’ve done for the rest of my life. But I’ve had years to reflect, and I did plenty of horrible shit _before_ that. Stop pretending you _dropping me like a bad habit_ was about anything other than other people’s opinions.”

“I’ve had years to reflect too, and it’s a bit more complicated than that, but that’s...a little true, and I’m sorry for it. I saw what went down, watched people die, heard what everyone else had to say, and I never came to you to hear your side of things. Everything that went down was bad, and I had let myself fall in love with the man that was behind so many people’s pain. I thought I had been wrong about you, and with everyone around and you so close, I couldn’t sort anything out about you or how I felt, so I left.” You paused. Negan just looked down at you. “I didn’t mean to be gone for so long. I went from the Kingdom to the Sanctuary to help Carol, then took over so she could go home to the King. It was meant to be temporary. Then we decided to move, and I led them through that process. Then we got there and had nothing, we had to build things up, and I knew the area. It was just one thing after another, I didn’t want to lead, but there was no one there that I felt comfortable passing the reins to until Dwight and Sherry. There wasn’t a day that went by that you didn’t cross my mind.” 

“I wasn’t in a good place when things went down. You were the one person who _really_ knew me, who could have _helped_ , and you weren’t there.” He reminded you cooly. “I watched for months thinking I’d see you walk by my window before Rick mentioned that you left to take over the Sanctuary. You didn’t say goodbye.” 

“I know, I-” You tried to explain. His hand on the doorframe shifted, and the light gleamed off a silver ring he wore on his pinky. _Your_ ring. The fact that he still wore it after all this time told you everything you needed to know: that there was hope.

“I came here to be alone, kid. Just leave.” The door closed. 

“Well I came here to be near you, so one of us is going to be disappointed. We’ve both got hang ups to move past. I’m willing to work for it. We’ve got nothing but time, you know,” you paused, but there was no response. “I’m moving in next door.” You informed him before walking over to the abandoned house to the left of his own. 

You camped out there for a few days with a supply crate of your own. Every meal, you’d leave a plate outside Negan’s door and tell him it was there, but he never ate it. With little to do, you spent your mornings reading the sonnet book from Negan’s cell. It was clearly well read, the binding coming apart from being held open so many times. Sonnet 116 seemed to be a favorite, the margins taken up with black ink. You couldn’t help but notice the writing: _if love looks on tempests and is never shaken, this wasn’t love._ And _she left._ He may have wrote the words years ago, and it may have been the writing of a very broken man at the time, but you could see why he felt that way. Looking through the sonnets almost felt like you were getting a glimpse of what Negan went through when he was struggling in that cell. It was almost like reading a diary. Whether it was the delusions or not, there was a time when he truly felt something for you, which you could admit to yourself that you’d only dreamed of until now. Reading it now, after all these years, it brought you joy and pain at the same time.

The book included some of the more popular sonnets from Shakespeare’s plays. The one from where Romeo and Juliet met stood out. It was written at the top of the page: _For when she comes back_ . At some point, _when_ was crossed out, and _if_ was put in its place. You had read over both of the poems so many times, you memorized them. 

Over the course of a week, Negan started to eat the food you left for him, leaving the clean plates on his porch. One morning, you got bold when you went to leave his breakfast, and knocked on the door. There was no answer. 

“Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments,” You started, reciting the sonnet from memory. “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove. Oh no, it is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests, and is never shaken. It is the star to every wandering bark whose worth’s unknown although its height be taken. Love is not time’s fool though-” You stopped as the door creaked open. Negan looked down at you silently. “Uh,” you paused, mind going blank as your eyes met his. You took the opportunity to switch gears, grabbing his free hand and starting the sonnet from romeo and juliet. Of course in this case, you were romeo. 

“If..” you started, losing your nerve before regaining it “If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.” you started, waiting to see if he’d join in. 

When he looked down at you, there was a playfulness in his eye that made your heart race. He leaned against the doorframe, one leg crossed over the other, taking an uncomfortably long pause before he started Juliet’s line: 

“Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this. For saints have lips that pilgrims' hands do touch, and palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.” He continued. 

“Have saints not lips, and holy palmers too?” you asked as Romeo, smiling softly as your confidence grew. 

“Aye, pilgrim, lips that they must use in _prayer”_ Negan practically flirted as he teased. 

“Oh then, dear _saint_ , let lips do what hands do: they _pray,_ grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.” You flirted back, matching his tone. 

“Saints do not move, though grant for _prayers_ ’ sake” He recited.

“Then..um...then move not, while my prayers’ effect I take” You said shyly, moving in to kiss the man that you’d spent the last 12 years dreaming about. He kissed back. 

“I found your book,” You told him when you broke apart, trying to explain the random sonnets. 

He didn’t reply, pulling you through the doorway to kiss you again. 

Things escalated quickly from there, belts coming undone, shirts being thrown to the floor. You were both naked by the time Negan shifted the two of you over to the couch. He sat back, pulling you down to straddle him. You were afraid to ruin the moment with words, but grabbed the back of the couch with one hand for leverage as your other ran down from his face to his chest. You pressed your body tightly against his, grinding naked against him to let him feel how wet and ready for him you are. You moaned as his nails raked your back and you leaned down to kiss and bite his neck, tickled by the stubble of his beard. You lifted your hips back far enough to work him in your hand as you toyed with him, making him moan in kind. You sucked hard on his neck; eager to leave a mark of your own, to claim the man beneath you. 

You had fantasized about this moment a million times, but no fantasy could compare to you how it felt now. You hovered above him now, one hand guiding him to your entrance. You wanted to tease him, to draw it out, to edge him, and torment him, and drive him wild, but this wasn’t the time for that. Desperate as you both were, you settled for staring straight into his eyes as you slowly took him in. You were overwhelmed by his size, and reveled in the painful pleasure of being stretched so far.

“ _God_ , you feel so fucking _big_ ,” You moaned as you started riding him. Slowly, at first, then faster and harder as you adjusted to him. 

“ _Damn,_ sweetheart, I forgot how _good_ you feel.” Negan moaned. “ _Ride me harder”_ he commanded darkly as he gripped your hips roughly. You took this as permission to let loose.

Still gripping the couch frame with one hand, you let the other wrap around his throat, squeezing gently. You could feel his pulse beneath your fingers, and fucked him to its beat. You looked down at him as you rode him hard, moving up and down his full length each time. 

“Who are you?” You asked him, a mirror of years before. 

“ _Shit_ , I’m _yours_ , kid. I’ll always be yours” Negan admitted without hesitation.

“That’s right,” You encouraged him. “You’re _mine.”_

“ _Fuck,_ baby _”_ He moaned beneath you, and you felt the vibration of his vocal chords against your hand. “You’re not the same kid you were when you left the Sanctuary,” He added, smiling. 

“No, I’m not. Can you _handle that_ , sir?” You asked, slowing down to grind in circles in his lap, enjoying the sensation of him pressing into your walls. You let go of his neck, watching the blood rush back to his head. You could almost feel the same light headed euphoria you knew he was experiencing. 

“I fucking _love_ it, baby,” he started. “But it’s _my_ turn now” He said as he lifted you off of his cock and moved to stand behind you, pushing your chest against the back of the couch as he braced one foot on the cushion next to you. 

He slammed into you without warning, making you moan. He wrapped your long hair around one hand, using it like a leash to pull your head back, deepening the arch in your back. He cupped your mound with the other hand, letting his fingers slide down to work your clit in circles. Pressure rose quickly between your hips, only increased by how rough and erratic his thrusts were becoming. 

“ _Negan,_ ” His name escaped you, sounding desperate and pleading. Negan pulled your hair harder, forcing your upper body towards his, the new angle threatening to send you over the edge. 

“Who are _you, love?_ ” Negan growled in your ear. 

“ _Yours, sir. Negan,_ I’m all _yours”_ You moaned, overwhelmed by just how good he felt. 

Your orgasm came quickly, and your spasms pulled him over the edge with you. 

Negan pulled out slowly and collapsed to the cushion next to you. You sat beside him and curled up in his arms, both of you breathing hard. 

“I’m sorry that I was so quick to turn away from you back then. That I abandoned you, and that I didn’t say goodbye” You whispered into his chest. 

“After the shit I pulled back then, any sane person would have done the same.” Negan paused, “But I won’t lie kid, it's nice to see you again.”

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Weeks went by where you and Negan did nothing but catch up, filling one another in on your misadventures over the years. You drank Alexandrian wine, and played chess, and fixed up the abandoned house the two of you lived in to make it a home. You went fishing together, cooked, and debated literature in the evenings. Life with Negan felt like a dream. It felt good for neither of you to be responsible for anyone but yourselves and each other, away from any outside forces that could come between you.

One morning, Negan insisted you both sit on the front porch and watch the sun rise. You made tea, and sat in the rocking chair next to his. 

“You know, you told me to hang onto this until you came back to me,” Negan paused, slipping your old silver ring off his pinky finger. “I know I’ve held onto it a little longer than either of us bargained for, but I’ve been saving it for something.” He continued, getting out of his seat to get down on one knee. 

“I know it’s probably  _ tacky _ to propose to a lady with her own  _ ring _ , but they’re in  _ short supply _ nowadays. I know it’s just a  _ technicality _ at this point, but I don’t want to spend another day without you by my side, doll. So I guess I’m trying to officially  _ lock you down _ . I love you, kid. Will you be my wife?” He asked. 

“ _ Yes” _ You whispered, overwhelmed by the gesture. He slipped the ring on your finger just as the sun came up.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next spring, you welcomed a daughter into the world; Eleanor Negan. Negan wasn’t sure about her middle name, worried that she’d be branded for his past. But you had learned your lesson about worrying what the rest of the world might think. She was clever enough to keep you both on your toes with jet black curls and Negan’s round hazel eyes. When Negan’s banishment was lifted, the three of you moved back to Alexandria for Eleanor to socialize with other kids her age. People talked, but they eventually got over it. You visited the Sanctuary once a year, checking in on Liam and acting as ambassadors for trade between your two homes. 

As far as life could go after the end of the world, you lived happily ever after.

The end.


End file.
